Meekan's meek journal

25 min
Not strobing like usual.
More like one tap of quick darkness, interval, new tap.
Saw a flash that startled me.
External light, eyes moving, or just an imagined sensation.
Otherwise uneventful.

Sounds about right meekan. Just try to keep up a daily practice. Things will get more exciting.

What's you practice these days (noting, witness, etc.)?

What's the beginning of the sit like?

Kewl, Mu!
Thanks for commenting on my stuff!

I am only doing noting. No mixing. Sometimes (like one sit in 20-30 I might just note silently for fun).

The beginnings are quite calm, but sometimes frustrated when I do either foundations in succession, or triplets and the like.
Feel more at home with free noting. Even though I often go searching for things to note and don't just note what "is" there.
Even though I am in a pretty good mood before and after, my sits are dominated by noting negativity, aversion, pain, frustration, sadness, etc...

I had a period where I experienced this shutter effect immediately.
Now not so sure...
Cheers!

Could the period of shutter effect been A&P and the ********** now be the dukkha nanas? It's possible. There's a period of calm right before (dissolution/3rd jhana).

The power of the four foundations is that it keeps us from embedding in the more subtle stuff which can be very painful.

Try and see if there's a pattern to the negative sensations.

"Could the period of shutter effect been A&P and the ********** now be the dukkha nanas? It's possible. There's a period of calm right before (dissolution/3rd jhana).

The power of the four foundations is that it keeps us from embedding in the more subtle stuff which can be very painful.

Try and see if there's a pattern to the negative sensations."

I don't really think I've moved along any kind of map since I began noting practise.
That's OK, since I try to practise regardless of...
In the beginning I was obsessed with where I "was", but I guess if anything really revolutionary happens I'll notice..?
In the meanwhile I'll meditate when I can.
It's a ***** getting noting going during daytime for me though
Stay cool, Mu!

Sat down and fror fun reverted to old style of meditation.
Silent, only noting "thinking" when applicable.
Intense fear and nausea in the beginning.
Then lots of frustration and sadness along the way.
Actually bailed a little early this time.

25 minutes
Immediately shutter effect
Zoomed in on it noting "seeing, seeing..."
Fast pulsing.
After a while it transformed to a pulsing beating in the head slightly different than the earlier feeling sensations I've had. Same freq as shutter.
Then disappeared.
Fairly regular sensations came.
At one point shutter at much slower pace, like a wave.
But after short time gone.
Had one monster itch wiggling around my right nostril.
Impatient during most of the sit.
But not very aversive apart from that.

Where is that weasel, and when will it go pop?
(and what does that mean?

"Where is that weasel, and when will it go pop?
(and what does that mean?
"

Note impatience, anticipation, patience, wondering when, craving, wanting, desiring, etc. It will no doubt pop when it's ready. It's a process. Like a fine wine, you have to let it mature..then drink it. Same for the 11th nana...let it mature!

"Note impatience, anticipation, patience, wondering when, craving, wanting, desiring, etc. It will no doubt pop when it's ready. It's a process. Like a fine wine, you have to let it mature..then drink it. Same for the 11th nana...let it mature!

"

Maybe I'll get to know that weasel yet
Thanks, Nik

Very short sit today.
Silent. Tired.
Just lots of sadness. Short, itchings, etc. Low intensity. No strobe

Before noting, meditating consistently brought with it a more easygoing attitude of not getting caught up in small stuff.
Lately I am embedding in stuff all the time (it's been stressful lately)

30 minutes
immediate strobing or flickering light sensation, zoomed in on it and away it went
it came back several times, and then didn't go away as easily
still too fast for me to really follow the beginnings and endings of the "shutting"
lots of disappointment, frustration noticed. thoughts about practise going in the wrong direction
people often talk about forehead pressure, I have had those for several months now, and they often turn into a slight sensation of pain during sits, and sometimes go away.
I followed the sensation of anxiety, and noted anxiety + a soreness moving from below solar plexus moving upwards with accompanying vibrating tension in arms
also sadness, like a pain in chest + dryness behind eyes, tension behind eyes

chronic yogi chroning on

1 hr sit + 8 min walk + 15 min sit
First hour pretty usual sit. After some initial 1F, 1+2 and triplets (as usual getting me into a foul mood
A litttle 4f and some bystander.
Mixed noting.
Not much eventful, hardly any shutter.
I realized a couple of days ago I lost my sense of curiosity.
But now I've become pretty curious about my feelings. Noting "Anxiety" How does that feel?
and then noting tension moving, pains, soreness, etc.
A little along the way I read by Ezra Bayda some time ago "What is this?".
Then 8 minutes short along a short stretch noting steps in three parts.
Mind wandering a lot.
Sitting down for 15 minutes.
Markedly different.
Immediately as I sat shutter effect + bodily sensation.
Focused in on it, and my suspicion pretty much confirmed. Some kind of eye movement going on there.
Short while of investigating prompted it to stop though
Then movement outside of door prompted me to get "rushed".
Hearing, anxiety, tension, etc...

30 minutes
devoted this sit to noting 3rd F aloud (maybe better the devil you know..?)
resulted in a little slower noting, maybe 0.5-0.30Hz (1/2s-1/3s).
except for some "calm" mainly signifiying I couldn't find much else:
"sadness, frustration, anger, uncertainty, fear, worry, hopelessness, sadness..." and so on
basically the same ones as during other sits with addition of uncertainty and hopelessness (that one sucks!
not much to report except for that they came and went with different frequency (the emotions).
a little shutter effect, but just for a couple of secs.

Just read in Nadav's log, and found some striking similarities to what I'm living with for a while now:
-the feeling that I lost concentration and momentum and have been working to regain them
(I have a really hard time keeping concentration up, and forget things as soon as they're basically out of sight)
-lots of random headaches (pressure) and forehead tension
(You sure bet, aspirin galore at my house)
-doubts about the practice and thoughts about stopping
(this one has been an issue, but at the moment I am pretty content practising, I have more of experience with feeling the hopelessness of it all right now, but no, I am NOT suicidal if that's what it sounds like)
-chills/cool energy accompanied by tingling, followed by what feels similar to 3rd nana but without the bright itching. Difficulty noting/sticking with one object. The itching seems to fade with attention rather than become more intense.
(this one I can't relate to)
-Tons misery/frustration/self-doubt/self-loathing during formal practice and otherwise
(yup, definitely. I also feel like I am a thin step away from potentially doing something stupid careerwise

I believe it has been suggested that I may be on the verge of A&P, I am wondering if these experiences could rhyme well with that?

Hmm... Wonder if this is the place to ask practise related questions?
If I write texts in an empty forrest, is it still a text?

3rd f noting.
Immediate fast vibration with shutter effect hangibg on
Mind wandering like crazy. Hard to stay focused.
Sadness, frustrqtion. Anger, rage and so on.

Meekan,

Are you seeing/looking for a pattern in the crappiness?

The first time the dukkha nanas hit me hard it was overwhelming. I looked at the map, noticed that there was a similar pattern to the suffering I was enduring and then sat with it. This allowed me to disembed from it and get past it. Seeing that it was stage related rather than personal was key in this.

1st Jhana/mind and body
2nd Jhana/A&P
3rd Jhana/Dissolution
4th Jhana/Equanimity

These are the places that are stable and where the mind doesn't seem to wander so much. The nanas between these can be quite hectic/scatter brained. Please keep that in mind.

Thanks for popping by in this room of great solitude
I don't really know where in the maps I should look.
I found lots of similarities in what Nadav reported though.
Kenneth said I may be on verge of A&P spme time ago.
Haven't had any great experiences with angels singing and earth moving since then
Thanks for reassuring me about the scatter brain!
Cheers, mu!

You seem kind of down. Could be DN stuff. If you've passed the A&P, the slide into DN is inevitable.

No problem. I always make sure to check out your posts.

Metta Sir Meekan!

kennethfolkdharma.wetpaint.com/page/The+...+to+Dharma+Diagnosis

" kennethfolkdharma.wetpaint.com/page/The+...+to+Dharma+Diagnosis "

Really appreciate your support!
I've read that text several times. Daniel Ingram says many who come to these sites are DNers. I really dunno. Either I've hade a&ps long time ago or have yet to have my first.
So maybe I'm the wrong kind of idiot for that text

Have you been meeting with Kenneth?

"Have you been meeting with Kenneth?"

I have, but just a few times.

Mindlessness?
I don't have the shutter effect every time.
Yesterday though, very tired going to bed. As soon as I closed my eyes I felt the pulsating in my scull and a sort of flashing behind my eyelids.
It is not flashing in a sense that I believe it is going on on the outside, nor is the light that bright.

Anyways, today I had a pretty tough headache, and concentration ability was veeeery low after it finally passed.
Now during my sit, focusing on the 3rd foundation, I was mainly noting dullness, since it felt like my head was filled with cotton.
Some sadness, disappointment, frustration, anger, tired, aversion, and much aforementioned dullness.
This dullness was a sort of wandering of the mind, but not with a very discernable train of thought. Sort of just going out in lala-land (if that makes any sense).
Afterward I felt like I basically hadn't had a sit at all. Just closed eyes with my mind far away most of the time.
Ergo, mindlessness!