Meekan's meek journal

Yeah I don't know what feelings are due to meditation and which are just life, but then again, is there a difference?

"Yeah I don't know what feelings are due to meditation and which are just life, but then again, is there a difference?"

Yeah, you're right!

It's all just food for the practice, eh?

Yes and more and more according to my experiences lately.

My experience has been that when my troops (where as it was just a few scouts before) are moving through the fear territory, I feel anxious even while not meditating. Just a real sense of unease. If this isn't your norm, I would seriously consider if that may be what's going on.

Have an eye as well and see if you start experiencing anything else emotionally as it progresses (tiredness, depression, aches and pains, lethargy, etc.).

Hmmm... I dunno.
I've had problems with pains and headaches and tiredness in periods for many many many (you get the point years, so I don't know if I would notice.
And I've had lows and definitely anxiety for periods of time.
What I think I notice now is that the quality of the uneasiness, irritability, tiredness and those anxiety attacks (which aren't panic attacks BTW is a little different.
The undertone is there, but these attacks just appear.
So is this what's going on, I dunno..?

It's quite possible. You'll really notice if they seem to just go away when you get up to equanimity.

It's something to be on the lookout for.

Keep an open mind, over time you'll begin to notice if there's a pattern to it. In the meantime... PRACTICE

"In the meantime... PRACTICE "

Aye aye, Sir!

35 minutes mixed noting
Much pulsing, seeing, pulsing, excited, curious
After a while itching, and things seeming lighter, itches, lighter, some pains
This phase lasted for a while, imaging thoughts of nice images, seeing light through eyelids, and judging thoughts (thinking if this is a&p, mine are weak)
Then, after cycling through this phase, with a little impatience.
WHAM!
Suddenly someone put a searchlight right in my face.
I was so startled, I had to look if something had turned on more lightsources, but no.
Shivers throughout body.
Lots of seeing noted.
No joy or such though! Rather this light sensation was like a ball filling my head, and creating a distance to all the sensations that were going on.
Like itches, impatience, analytic thoughts (about what the heck this was really?).
Like they were there, but again they weren't happening to the me that was watching.
This stayed for a long time. Confusion also noted.
Then fell away, and I started notong itches more clearly, tiny nausea.
Imaging thoughts of dark places with walls of charcoal.

Noting confusion as I write this. Again powerful sensation of light, and this time sending shivers throughout, but no real joy, etc...

Reread omni's account of the a&p and guessing (which I shouldn't) that this was a revisit to the a&p but no warmth or joy. Funny that it is different everytime.
Sensationwise and intensitywise.

10 minute metta 45 minute mixed noting 5 minute walking 45 minute mixed noting
First 45 minutes sat down. Calm, some pressures, pain, lots of selfcoaching and imaging thoughts
After some time monster itches, subtle light, little joy.
Basically I cycled through the itches - light joy thing.
With some impatience, disappointment, judging thoughts towards the end.
Walking - slow motions, noting lift, push, put, intentions at turning, mind wandering
Second 45 minutes began with irritation, disappointment, imaging thoughts
After a while predominantly calm noted, some judging thoughts, imaging thoughts
Major pain came at this time, was noted and stayed (varying slightly in intensity, and center).
So pain and calm took up most of the noting.
10 minutes before end, I looked at timer, after that pain subsided, disappointment, sadness, judging thought, itches.

Summarizing, first sit - spent with itches, second - spent with pain

(1 step forward, 15 steps backward? Dazed n confused)

What kind of pain was it?

Hi!
It's a cramping muscle in my back that's been bothering me for years...

You probably tried lots of things already, but maybe take a look at this:
drbookspan.com/clinical.html (crappy site, great info) and is.gd/bK70rj

"You probably tried lots of things already, but maybe take a look at this:
drbookspan.com/clinical.html (crappy site, great info) and is.gd/bK70rj "

Yeah, I've tried a lot of stuff
Thanks for the recommendation, will check it out more thoroughly!
Do you have experience using these books, yourself?

Yes, I taught yoga for a couple of years, and the posture tips in that book really helped some of my students to get rid of back aches. For myself, it helped me cure chronic knee pain.

Sounds great!
Thanks a lot!

I hope it helps.

Meekan,
I've been reading your journal for a while but haven't written because we seem to be in similar places and haven't felt like I could add anything useful. I still don't, but just wanted to say that your ability to struggle through all this has helped me keep up my practice as I do my own struggling. So, Thank You, and keep up the good work. Rumor has it all this pays off in the end.

"Meekan,
I've been reading your journal for a while but haven't written because we seem to be in similar places and haven't felt like I could add anything useful. I still don't, but just wanted to say that your ability to struggle through all this has helped me keep up my practice as I do my own struggling. So, Thank You, and keep up the good work. Rumor has it all this pays off in the end. "

Hi, Rev!
Can't tell you how much I appreciate you telling me!
It sure can feel uphill and lonely at times and I am happy that my journaling is of some help to other fellow travellers.
I've gotten lots of good responses to my entries from friends here as well.
Dunno if I'm making sense right now, but just wanted to convey how happy I am because of your entry!
So... Let's do it together! And see where it takes us!

45 minutes
Intense pulsing in beginning.
Small itching after a while.
Some light.
Little more itching.
Pretty far into sitting - short sensation of patterns displayed on eyelids, and then the light became more intense.
After a couple of seconds at the same time as this light, and calm, calm (a little 'excitement' just as light turned on) I had the most intense "itching" which stayed with me during light, calm and expansion.
After some time with this, itching subsided. And for the first time "pain" became an issue. And some shortness of breath, fear, anxiety.
Then imaging thoughts of some horror movie scenes.
This calmed down, and after a while started having familiar sensation of being rocked (as on a boat at sea) but in an unpleasant way, "seasick, seasick".
This calmed down and I had an intense period of dark imaging thoughts in a chaotic way, but "calm" since I was distanced from it all.
A little itches at end.

Things surprising me: tough and persistent itch during light and expansive calm, again being distanced and sort of watching things at a screen that would've thrown me around emotionally in life off cushion.

Curious note.
I am not at all sure I am this far along the map.
But I noticed my renewed interest in conversing about progress, and the failure to believe I have progressed (although this has probably been with me all along...).
Reading about the tenth Nana resonated with me in respect to this obsession with progress and selfdoubt.
Make any sense?

Short 25 min
Pretty calm sitting in.
Tired, calm, sadness, calm
Seeing (light)
Itching, disgust, itching, light, tiredness
The entire sit was like this.
No intensity to any of it.

Lots of irritation and sadness in daily life.
Just feeling it sucks so to say.
But I am pulled to sitting.
But sitting in itself is a little demanding.
Feel like I want to fight verbally with people, even in here
thanks

Sounds like the Dukkha nanas are in full effect.

Keep it up, not far to go!

"Sounds like the Dukkha nanas are in full effect.

Keep it up, not far to go!"

Thanks for the encouragement, mu!
Right now I feel like my presence is unwanted here and in many places, so thanks to you and other commenters for disproving that. This is some kind of self-pity!

Reread my last entry, maybe it sounded peculiar.
I meant I feel like I just get urges to say stupid things to people. Thankfully haven't done it too much though.

I went through that too. I felt like I was just the worst.

You aren't. In fact I think it's very exciting to see you guys go through this stuff.

Believe me, we feel your pain!