Meekan's meek journal

Quality of sits different after I added metta I believe. Kewl!
10 minute puppy metta
Rushing happy tension waves throughout jaw, making me smile
20 minute mixed noting
Expansion, joy, contentment
Plannning thought, imaging thoughts (many)
And for the first half almost all bodily sensations disappeared the moment I focused on them.itching, pain, pressure, etc

Until half-time when there came an itch that persisted.
Now sensations stayed longer and less expansivity experienced, less imaging thoughts of vast spaces, etc.
More impatience noted.

10 minutes metta
Intense rush of love and joy throughout arms paired w lightness in head just as the 10 minute gong went off.
25 minutes mixed noting
Joy coming bavck at times.
Vibrating tension in face spurring me to smile.
At one time 5-10 minutes in, I noted pretty much anxiety at the same time as facial muscles were smiling and feelings of joy mixed.
Started analytical thoughts that this was weird (sinultaneous joy and anxiety almost)
Then bam! Fear struck. Intense fear, tension moving about and images of a dark whirlpool. I noted seasick several times, cause this was what I felt.
This disappeared quite fast.
Back to joy, expansion, a little impatience, pain, etc.

Remember the map that goes

mind and body
cause and effect
three characteristics
arising and passing away
dissolution
fear
etc.

Well, you tend to go up to your leading edge in a sitting and then back down again. Sounds like you may be starting to get a glimpse of the fear nana. I could be wrong obviously, but perhaps that pattern will continue. You could even be going beyond fear (how intense was the tension, how long did it last, etc. ).

You are doing great.

Thanks Mu for helping out!

I have no idea, and maybe I thought that these "markers" along the map would show up in a more pronounced way.
So far it's all just "things you might feel during meditation" if you know what I mean?
Sometimes calm, sometimes woozy, sometimes bliss, sometimes anxiety...

My sit today was just sooooooo 2010
I guess I jumped into a time machine and had a sit from a couple of months ago.
First 10 min metta.
I really felt quite low going into it, and although I contacted love and happiness and it coarsed through my body I couldn't sustain it for long. But managed to get it going a couple of times.
20 minutes mixed noting.
Noted some expansion, much sadness, disappointment, doubt.
Some flashes of calm and contentment.
Bodywise lots of persistent monster itches. This is what I remembered from old sits.
Led to lots of disappoibtment, judging thoughts, planning (what to write thoughts and so on.
Well, well, let's roll that boulder right back up that hill, eh?

10 minute metta - got the good buzz going
30 minute mixed noting
This was more similar to sits before yesterday, but even much more pronounced I felt like I was a container containing all my experiences (make sense?)
There was definitely a sense of an "I" observing, but I felt like a cylinder containing my experience.
And when I felt different things such as anxiety, joy, contentment, itches, unpleasant, pain, neutral, planning thought, judging thought, selfcoaching thought, humor, etc. there I was with a very calm surrounding it all.
Like I was observing it from a very calm position all around this.
At one point in the meditation my noting accelerated quite rapidly, and there was pulsation felt in my head and slightly seen as well. I had some images of something vortexlike, and I stayed with it and noted it rapidly (I guess 2-3 Hz maybe) and sort of told myself to stay with it. So I surrounded this somewhat chaoslike turmoil of images, pulsating feelings and rising intensity.
Then things just suddenly went calm, my noting became slower, and I had an image of being a calm lake.
There was calm all around, but some itches came and went, some humor, joy, smiling.
And I rounded it off with 5 minutes of metta, smiling my heart out

10 minute metta + 30 min noting + 5 min metta
In the beginning of noting some visual and tactile pulsing in head, but only briefly.
Not the pronounced "container" effect from today.
But all sensations still were in a frame of calm
Much contentment and joy, humor noted.
But also disappointment, and lots of pain noted.
The pain was painful but enveloped in this calmness.

10 minute metta, took a little time, but revved up those surges of love and joy
55 minute mixed noting. Continued with the feeling that pain and "negative" emotions were surrounded by some joy.
During the first half hour, when I had a painful thought or the like, I noted it and very frequently it was followed by a surge of joy and I laughed at it.
The same with my back, I had a very painful pain in a cramping muscle, but at the same time laughter bubbled up after noting it.
After hslf an hour it sort of calmed down and I was more "calm".
Just somewhere at the 50 minute-mark I had laughter an d joy just bubbling up.
This calm joy encompassed "impatient", etc, as well.
Finished it off with 5 minutes metta.

Personal reflection: apart from a couple of seconds of pulsing in head I haven't really had much of the pulsations lately. And I believe I have gained in my acuity when. It comes to noticing (and noting even when internal events are hard to label sometimes) what sensations make up my emotions.

10 minute metta, took a little time, but revved up those surges of love and joy
55 minute mixed noting. Continued with the feeling that pain and "negative" emotions were surrounded by some joy.
During the first half hour, when I had a painful thought or the like, I noted it and very frequently it was followed by a surge of joy and I laughed at it.
The same with my back, I had a very painful pain in a cramping muscle, but at the same time laughter bubbled up after noting it.
After hslf an hour it sort of calmed down and I was more "calm".
Just somewhere at the 50 minute-mark I had laughter an d joy just bubbling up.
This calm joy encompassed "impatient", etc, as well.
Finished it off with 5 minutes metta.

Personal reflection: apart from a couple of seconds of pulsing in head I haven't really had much of the pulsations lately. And I believe I have gained in my acuity when. It comes to noticing (and noting even when internal events are hard to label sometimes) what sensations make up my emotions.

This is what is, and noted.
I certainly hope this is just the way my sits look right now and that this "frame" of calm and joy isn't just fleeing the negative sensations.
However, they still are there, and I feel the pain of them. Well, this will all soon change again I guess

Tell us more, Meekan. How much sitting are you doing now? Do you feel called to it? Is life easier in general? You seem to be going through the Arising and Passing Away of Phenomena. If so, this is wonderful news. I don't know if you have ever had the A&P before, but even if you have, to be able to access it in daily life is a huge step. Be sure to keep up the momentum of your practice; you want to "wear a groove" through the lower nanas so that you can get up to the A&P and beyond consistently in each sitting.

Hi, Kenneth!

I sit for different periods of time 15 minutes to an hour daily.
Don't think I'm more called than I was before some periods of not wanting to sit.
Life easier? Hmm.. Not sure. It's been quite easy going last week, but today after a pleasant sit, I was reminded of some stressful events coming up and whirled away in an episode of stress/anxiety, so apart from the quality of the sitting being different, I really dunno...

Thanks for your much appreciated feedback!!

Regarding life being easier in general - I had a really stressful day and spun away in real stress (thoughts, behavior, the whole shabang today)

Now I had:
32 minute sit
Did no metta, just basically flashed a picture of a cute puppy as I sat down.
Mixed noting
The joy in the back- (or is it foreground?) came back, and I noted lots of joy, humour, rushing, but also
some pain, anxiety and impatience.
Experienced pulsing in head in beginning, and also at the end just as I heard people were coming in through the front door.

I am speculating here, but what I feel like is that I am for the first time getting glimpses of observing pains, anxiety and nausea (all noted) from a place of total disengagement.
It kind of threw me when I even saw a thought that a couple of hours ago would throw me into a stressed anxious state, and noted it as from afar. I even noted anxiety and impatience from here.
But doing this for a while I got engaged and noted lots of wishing thoughts, joy, hopeful, etc...
So it seems to me like I am now learning how to meditate
But so far this last episode I've only seen this difference in my sitting, so maybe no A&P yet?

See if you can recognize a typical sequence of events. Often people report that they start out scattered, become concentrated after 5 or 10 minutes, then go through an agitated and unpleasant period with pain and bright itches. Then at about the 20 minute mark, everything opens up and they can feel lots of subtlety along with brightness in the visual field and a sense of well-being. This is the A&P. You have to work your way up to it in each sitting and you always doubt you'll ever get there right up until the time it shows up. It's not really a big deal after the first few times, just a feeling of being able to clearly see lots of sensations and thoughts arising and passing away. You want to wear a groove through these first few nanas, getting up to and beyond the A&P in each sitting, so it's important to sit for about 45 minutes at a stretch; you never want to reinforce the habit of getting up before the A&P comes in each sitting as this leads to the 20-minute yogi syndrome, which can be hard to decondition later.

Not long after you access the A&P in daily life sittings, it is common to experience another difficult patch in your practice; the dukkha nanas or dark night of the soul can come hard on the heals of the A&P, so be patient with yourself and don't buy into your thoughts too much if you feel discouraged at times. After the dukkha nanas comes the equanimity nana, at which point meditation gets easier again and you can sit effortlessly for hours each day.

Thanks for your support,Kenneth!
Some of it fits how I perceive it, but some doesn't.
Will see if I can remember the sequencing better.
Some days I can't sit for long, but I'll do my best to move on..!

Short 22 min sit
1 minute metta
Mixed noting
Pulsating in head immediately, joy rush, joy
After a while pulsating disappeared, all felt calm, nice, expansion
Last weeks at times during sits I've had sea sickness (motion + nausea)
Today after a while, from calm, expansive suddenly I felt I was falling backwards for a while, pretty spooky.
And then nausea. darkness, but not very chaotic.

I don't know if this is me conditioned or scripting the sequence and my life off the sits still doesn't feel very different (stress, etc...)

a&p, dissolution, dukkha nanas... ?

Hi, mu!
I myself am just a little hesitant to jump the gun just 'cause I haven't seen it spill over into life, and I don't see it fitting with most descriptions.
But I am probably the worst judge of this
Thanks a lot for helping me out and for coming here!
Don't be a stranger

1st jhana (mind and body) is nice but it's A&P which tends to have pulsing, rushes and joy for me. That usually dissipates into an expansive, cooled out state that is somewhat blissful (are you getting coolness on the skin at this point). I'll notice the onset of some tingling on the skin that becomes more and more harsh along with feelings of fear/anxiety. I often get very uncomfortable sensations following this and at some point I will often wind up gagging and nauseous.

It's good you aren't jumping the gun and I may be just reading my own experiences in to yours. It does sound promising.

"I myself am just a little hesitant to jump the gun just 'cause I haven't seen it spill over into life, "

I know this feeling. That's why I don't think much of the "little blackouts" I mentioned recently.

Omni, we'll have to see how things develop. Hopefully your blackouts will make some "sense" or whatchamacallit

Flsshed puppy for instant metta.
Mixed noting.
Strong itch, tired, unpleasant.
After a while, expansion, light, pulstations. Not like shutter effect, but more like light waves from center (in the light seen through eyelids)
Calm, tired, pain in middle of brow
Suddenly falling backwords for a while, unpleasant.
Then calm, a little itches, tired.

"Flsshed puppy for instant metta.
Mixed noting.
Strong itch, tired, unpleasant.
After a while, expansion, light, pulstations. Not like shutter effect, but more like light waves from center (in the light seen through eyelids)
Calm, tired, pain in middle of brow
Suddenly falling backwords for a while, unpleasant.
Then calm, a little itches, tired.
"

For some reason (?) I've omitted the fact that in last week's sittings I have noticed and noted miniscule movements in my neck, like if the head is doing very small movements. This tends to occur in the middle somewhere snd stays for a while. Then I don't notice/pay attention to it anymore.

Sat down with a humongous headache and nausea.
First puppy love. Had to work a little at cycling feelings since wandered a lot. Intended 10 minues, but ended up with 20.
Then 50 minutes mixed noting.
Calm noted most of time, with some impatience and anxiety coming up at times.
In the middle head was doing small nods, forward and back for a while.
There was a persistent cramp in my back generating lots o pain.
Near the end this pain started waxing and waning in 2-3 second waves.
different than last sittings, but very calm around.

"1st jhana (mind and body) is nice but it's A&P which tends to have pulsing, rushes and joy for me. That usually dissipates into an expansive, cooled out state that is somewhat blissful (are you getting coolness on the skin at this point). I'll notice the onset of some tingling on the skin that becomes more and more harsh along with feelings of fear/anxiety. I often get very uncomfortable sensations following this and at some point I will often wind up gagging and nauseous.

It's good you aren't jumping the gun and I may be just reading my own experiences in to yours. It does sound promising."

Haven't noticed these. I had some coldness and shivers on my left side last sit, but couldn't temporally correlate it with anything else