Meekan's meek journal

28 min sit aloud noting
Slight strobing immediately, noting at approx 1-1.5Hz.
Lots of anxiety and sadness.
Strobing vanished and lots of fear with pressure on chest restricting my breath.
Urge to flee, lots of aversion.
Towards the end opened eyes for a short moment, strobing back.
Itching and pressures.
Anxiey, fear and sadness sums it up.

Good stuff meekan!

Metta!
Good luck!

Sounds like the thermometer is rising fast on your practice. Keep noting that anxiety and sadness really finely and specifically- I've just been through that- close attention does seem to be the best way not to get dragged along by it and into it.

Thanks a lot guys.
It's nice with a little encouragement when things are crappy

I know the feelin' meekster. Just remember that it will pass and that it is teaching you something. Try to be with it, the resistance really makes it worse.

I want to hug you because I know how crappy those points in the insight cycle can be.

You'll be fine though, you are meekan!

This episode, makes me wonder that if there is a 3 characteristics, and that's where I "am", if I want to experience the dark night...

I feel as though you are on the cusp of something, Meekan, so it's more important than ever to ratchet up the consistency of noting during the day and also to add minutes to your formal practice. Keep on keepin' on!

30 minutes
First half, fast strobing sensation behind eyelids + a feeling of something pulsating against the inside of my skull with the same frequency.
Anxiety and fear present restricting my breath.
2nd half, feeling of expansion and light. Strobing and pulsing gone, and anxiety.
More of regular pressure + pain and return of the monster itch.

Thank you Kenneth!

30 minutes
Noing away, singles, doubles, triples, thoughts, bystander, mix.
Lots of tired, frustrated, very subtle strobing of light.
Monster itches, when one went away I focused there thinking, where did it go.
At the moment I decided rhis it was like another itch just flared up as if to say "see me, nothing to see there"
frustration paired with some amusement and even moments of joy.

It's funny. The last week or so this "strobing" sensation comes to me every time I close my eyes. Is this common?

Today only time for 10 minute.
As almost every time lately, immediate pressure/pain between eyebrows as closed eyes.
Slight strobing.
Noting of pain, aversion, unpleasant, pressure, neutral et al.

Sounds interesting meekan!

Keep on truckin'

rooting for ya!

"It's funny. The last week or so this "strobing" sensation comes to me every time I close my eyes. Is this common?"-Meekan

Yes. Common and significant. Try investigating the strobing. Become interested in any stops, gaps, or discontinuities. "Incline your mind toward the passing away of objects." -Sayadaw U Kundala of Rangoon, Burma.

have been away, not much formal sitting.
noting during the days, and noting away during turbulence in flight (something that triggers some fear) and seeing a lot of tendencies to want to get away, and even tendencies to want to "note the fear away" (as in trying to drown the fear out with noting).

today 20 minute sit
lots of tired, itching and pressure. some of the fast fequency, subtle strobing

""It's funny. The last week or so this "strobing" sensation comes to me every time I close my eyes. Is this common?"-Meekan

Yes. Common and significant. Try investigating the strobing. Become interested in any stops, gaps, or discontinuities. "Incline your mind toward the passing away of objects." -Sayadaw U Kundala of Rangoon, Burma."

Not really sure how to investigate it?
I am not that "fast" in my mind, the strobing is too fast for me to exactly follow the gaps.
And also, I have tried focusing in on pains and itches before to sort of be there when they end, and disregarding when other sensations try to take center stage.
But this concentration didn't get me to this strobing thing, whereas pretty fast (1-2 Hz) noting of what is going on did.
Am I fooling myself, or is there a way to go about this?

Thanks a lot for your feedback!

Meekan, the mind goes through a predictable sequence of stages as it settles into concentration:

1) Mind jumps around from one object to the next, won't stick to anything.

2) Mind sticks closely to one small object. Tight focus.

3) Mind sinks into object, focus becoming slightly more diffuse.

4) Mind becomes more diffuse still, only wants to look at edges of objects, can't see the middle. This is what bill Hamilton called the donut.

5) More diffuse still, the entire environment is the object. Able to see lots of subtlety and detail within the whole, but without zooming in or clamping down the focus. It's all there for you to see clearly without straining.

You can't force any of this; it does what it wants. If the mind wants to jump around, any straining to get it to zoom in will only result in anxiety and agitation. When the mind wants to be tightly focused, any effort to make it more diffuse is spitting into the wind. Learn to let it be as it is, using techniques appropriate for each stage. Everything is dynamic from one moment to the next, so you have to be quick and flexible. Feel around for the proper focus. If it hurts, you are forcing it. Don't try to get to the strobing if it isn't happening naturally; it will come when it's ready. Stop being such a bully to your meditation! You are not in charge of this process. But if you go softly and follow it where it leads, it will set you free.

Metta,

Kenneth

Thanks a lot Kenneth!
This rhymes really well with my experience so far of trying to force myself!
What I guess i don't understand is how to investigate and be curious of the gaps, etc without forcing my observation to stay with the sensations?

If I sort of let my mind do what it will, wouldn't it really be a case of investigating EVERYTHING and being curious about EVERYTHING that happens even if I miss, for instance, the GAPS themselves (because my mind left that particular sensation)?

I am so happy I am getting more of clarity regarding this.
Thanks again!

Ohm, sweet ohm.

25 minutes
Sometimes strobing, very subtle
Usual itches and pains and anxieties until somewhere maybe halfway, i had strong urges to get up and away, but at the same time joy came flowing.
I was smiling with all my face, sometimes light chuckles, and getting anxious and sad almost at the same time.
Weird sit... Curiosity about this was certainly noted...

20 min quick
Tired, pressure and dryness around eyes.
Not much strobing, but at one time a sensation of a slower wave of darkness interrupting the light.
This strobing Ive been experiencing isn't as much light strobing, but more like a shutter closing at high frequency.
And today this wave was like darkness pulsating in waves, slower freq.
Only for a short time.
Itching as normal

20 minutes
tired, some blinking/strobing/shutter, at a short time like a veeery fast frequency, and at another time like a slower pulse
had a short experience of expansion almost like a slight blocking of my ears (like in change of pressure)
these were short and the only memorable experiences during this short sit

25 min
Lots of disappointment, frustration, sadness noted
Had some water in my ears, itching so intensely I was going next to bonkers.
Noted how I several times started up a struggle with the itch, and upon noting sort of released it. Over and over again.
Tension building up, anxiety, panic, urge to scratch, shivers through my body.
During one of these I looked at the watch (5minutes left). Judging thoughts, disappointment.

Sounds like a rough patch (have another look at the map, several rough spots along the way). Nothing to be discouraged about.

As long as you were noting...

Thanks, Mu!
Sometimes I've sort of brought sadness with me from the sitting.
But like yesterday, as I quit sitting things were just quite ok.
Just seems like as I sit, the spotlight tends to be at the more "negative" sensations

Attempting to note throughout the day.
Hard to do it for any length of time even when trying to use a timer that chimes to remind me.
I note a couple of things in real speed, and go back into ignorance...

15 minutes bystander aloud.
Lots of pain and itches.
At one moment the vibrating pulse, like pressure in my head came.
After a while it became the shutter pulse. Initially I reacted with some thoughts that the lightin my room was flickering. But soon just noted the seeing.
The pulse is still too fast for me to follow beginnings and endings (i.e. I am too slow)

So it's hard to investigate on another level than the "I experience flickering" as a whole.

On the slow boat to china.
20min
Almost fell asleep
Monster itch in three places around the mouth. Simultaneously