Meekan's meek journal

35 minutes.
First a while of 3rd f exclusively, sadness, confusion, uncertainty...
Then 4th exclusively, selfcoaching thought, dialoguing thought, imaging thought.
Then tada... Quads for the remainder, maybe 20 mins.
Slowed down really much. 3rd and 4th don't come easy to me... How can I find a way to...
Also the range of words used was radically narrowed.
Tension, unpleasant, sadness, imaging thought
1st was basically 90% tension or pain, 2nd unpleasant, and then sadness or uncertainty or fear rounded off with imaging thought.
A few planning or self-coaching, but basically 99% imaging.
Some shutter-effect, a couple of "flashes"

Noting 3rd then 4th
Really slow noting, because of either not having access to appropriate verbal labels for what is going on, or that the intellectual verbal noting process is so slow.
I reckon it uses up the processor capacity though.
Pulse behind eyelids.
Mostly calm noted today, and self-coaching + imaging thoughts.

"Pulse behind eyelids."-Meekan

Hi Meekan,

What is the frequency of the pulse? Is it a visual pulse or a tactile pulse?

""Pulse behind eyelids."-Meekan

Hi Meekan,

What is the frequency of the pulse? Is it a visual pulse or a tactile pulse?"

Hi, Kenneth!
This one was about 3-4 Hz, and just tactile.
Feels like the eyes move rapidly behind eyelids as I close my eyes.
Too fast for me to "be there" with each pulsation.

"Hi, Kenneth!
This one was about 3-4 Hz, and just tactile.
Feels like the eyes move rapidly behind eyelids as I close my eyes.
Too fast for me to "be there" with each pulsation.
"

Nice! (Could get better, could get worse, could stay the same.) The fact that you are noticing this means that you are penetrating the object. Only good can come of this...

Obj

Doing the 4 fs.
1 verbal description of bodily sensation
2 trying to latch on a label to #1 where I make an assessment of whether I feel it. To be aversive, nice or just don't care
3 trying to find a verbal label for a bodily sensation paired with a cognitive assessment, aka "emotion"
4 trying to catch what is going on at thought level.

Still feel like I am moving in circles with this and STILL using this technique.
Must have been a good sales pitch.
But I wonder if there is any room for curiosity when searching for appropriate labels??
It is not that uncommon to find it hard to describe private events though.

Anyhow 40 minutes.
Quads, bystander, mixed
Just lots of sadness, knots in stomach
Frustration - tension and waves of "bubbling" moving
Planning thoughts, disappointment, imaging thoughts.

Meekan, it sounds you are still trying to find something that is outside this practice. There isn't anything like that. In other words, there is no "noting free zone" that stands outside what can be noted. If you feel curiosity, note "curiosity." If you are having difficulty finding a label, that difficulty is what is center stage. Note "difficulty" or "doubt" or "struggling," etc. Feel those emotions in your body and note the body sensations. There is nothing wrong with noting "frustration" for as long as it lasts. If you feel bad about noting frustration, note "aversion" for as long as it lasts. The most important thing to note is whatever is in your face, not the mysterious something that you think you should be noting but do not see. You seem to be going through a difficult patch, which is a normal part of the process, so go easy on yourself and note each unhappy or difficult emotion carefully along with their corresponding body sensations. Progress is not measured by whether you feel good or bad during your meditation session. Progress it measured by how continuously you can note. Keep it up! You are doing fine.

Kenneth

Hi, Kenneth!
Thanks for the encouraging words!
However, I have no problem noting negative emotions (heck, that's almost been all of my practise for months now),and really, I understand that "frustation" and "doubt" and "disappointment" about "failing" to note are what is there now, thus are to be noted.
However until I am skilled at finding for instance the correct label for the current mind state (since you say that all four are always present), I may draw a blank, and then either I invent something or wait till I notice that I am frustr ated due to not finding the appropriate label so I THEN can notice "frustration".
I.e. I wait tilll I find something for which I have a label.
This is valid only for noting quads for example. In free noting I can just jump to what is then center stage.
But the RULE for quads is 1,2,3 and then 4, right?

This kills my investigative curiosity.
Once upon a time when following the breath, when noticing something I used to examine "what is this?" and try to find out more, whereas now I am m ore preoccupied with verbal retention

Thanks for bearing with a grumpy noter with no progress

20 minutes
Struggling, sometimes sad about all the thoughts that fly by.
Wasn't I s'pposed ta catch more and more of them?

Traveling w/o moving

How does one note faster pulses?
MCTBstyle would be "dit dit dit dit" or sumthing like that.
But slower noting, like approx 0.5-1 note per second, how note pulses?
Just "pulse" or "poking" or something?
Short sit.
Bodily sensations, aversion, dullness, sadness, uncertainty et al. Were there.
Imaging, pepping and selfcoaching thoughts.
Time went by, not much else happened.
Sensations came and went.

With pulses just note it at some steady rate but make sure you are aware of the pulse. You needn't try and keep pace with it. Use the note to make sure you are keeping attention directed at the pulse.

"How does one note faster pulses?" -meeken

Just leisurely note "pulsing, pulsing." Allow yourself to drawn into the pulsing. Notice any sub-pulsing or fluttering within the pulsing. If you are able to clearly stay with the pulsing and notice the subtlety within it, don't obsess about the noting. Remember, the noting is intended to keep you on track. It's a kind of picture frame within which the experience unfolds. You will notice many things that are not noted; that's expected. Use the noting as a feedback mechanism to let you know that you are clearly and continuously noticing what is going on.

edit: I just realize Mu had already answered with essentially the same advice. Right!

Thanks a lot, mu!

And kenneth, you added some very useful info about the noting.
I really appreciate the clarification of the attitude and a concrete exampl e of words that can be used!

"happy, exited, grateful" , guys!

Last 2-3 days feeling pulses during sits and a slight jerking motion in my neck as if my head wants to start shaking.
A little like a small version of the scenes in that old movie jacob's ladder...
This shaking feels a lot different than the upper body swaying I often had half a year ago, but of course no I sit in a chair and not on a zafu.
Other than that the 'usual' pulsing and pain/tension between eyebrows.
Lots of planning thoughts, and glimpses of contentment in the aversion.

Feeling like I am investing in a company that's going further into ruin. "one day it's gonna pay off!"
Last couple of days I've been motivated to sit.
But as I sit I immediately feel frustrated and sad. Conditioned?
Incorporated the short metta technique Kenneth showed me. I don't have a pet of my own but love puppies, so love and tenderness opening the heart is easy.
But trying to switch roles just doesn't work. So I just try to redirect the feelibg towards me.
Works ok. And I try to feel that way towards sadness, etc... that pops up.
But hard to maintain, turned to noting and things just turn crap.
Frustration, sadness welling up, i.e tension wandering in arms, knot in stomach, tension behind eyes - wanting to cry.

I used feel that using my old technique I ended up in less entanglement in emotions and thoughts.
Is it just the fact that now I am looking for results?

Time for a sit #2.
31 minutes.
10 minute metta, 11 minute noting, 10 minute metta.
Tried to keep loving-accepting-open feelings going through body, meetint doubts and such with this.
Like a vibrating rushibg sensation with perhaps a little warmth.
Did the noting mixed, tired, scattered, pain, unpleasant, tired, lots of imaging and planning thought.
Evaluating and coaching thoughts.
Much tired, scattered, uncertain.
Then back to some metta. Easier to remember to keep the rushing going throughout. But mond wandering.
No special sensations apart from that.

Short sit
10 minute metta towards myself.
Sometimes mind wandering, but reving up that good feeling.
Not attaining any fantastic bliss states, but doing ok.
5 minute focused on a friend, mind wandered more
7 minute noting, monster itch returned on nose, first wiggling around, then solidifying, then moving out under eye.

10 minute metta
visualizing an animal I feel for, and imaging opening up my heart to it for a loving and accepting feeling.
Turning it on me and wishing for myself. Throwing in the occasional memory/thought of a joyous situation, and using that to further that wish.
No extreme highs, but pleasant feelings throughout.
Mind wandering at times for a second or two, releasing tension and thoughts and doing the cycle again.
30 minute mixed noting
Feeling open (imaging thoughts of open space + expansive feeling in head).
tension, pain, itching, unpleasant, neutral and in the beginning some pleasant tension noted.
After a while lot of self coaching thoughts and argumentative thoughts about what the heck the practise is about. Noting frustration and disappointment and lots of planning thoughts (about how to write this in the journal). Much of the time however I felt like there was an openness about the frustration that sort of pulled me back to a pretty open, and even though I didn't note it as such during the sit, maybe a 'contented' feeling.
But much intellectual debate, planning, coaching, imaging thoughts.
5 minute metta
mind wandering, falling back into noting, releasing and getting good feeling (vibration spreading throughout body) going again. Wandering pretty much of the time and less concentrated than the first metta

Went into this session with a head ache.
10 minute puppy love metta meditation
visualizing pets I would feel nice towards (haven't had any of my own. but I can feel like this towards cute pets)
feeling rushes of vibrating nice feelings throughout my body, and adding some verbal stuff, i.e. wishes for myself
35 minute mixed noting aloud
sensations appearing noted, and disappearing quite quickly, e.g. itches and pains.
a very much wandering mind - I would almost describe it as a mixture of planning thoughts and some very weird daydreaming, where images of giant beetles and other weird stuff would take center stage in my mind (very weird 60-ies psychadelia + headache and tired
also at times during this wandering period I almost experienced a weird aphasia. Strange words would come out of my mouth when noting aloud that made no sense.

much "confusion", "uncertainty". "planning thoughts", "judging thoughts" noted
just at the end there was a little strobing and a mantra of "unpleasant" and when I discovered I was just mantra-ing (new verb...), there were some judging thoughts noted

headache still here now

BTW, dunno if this is because of the puppy love metta, since everything is in flux, but last days I am sort of calmer about things I find frustrating, etc.

They are framed in some kind of equanimity (term not necessarily used as is normal around here)

45 minutes walk
Noting feet and breath.
Short episodes of anxiety, disappointment.
One moment fantasies of winning money - greed, judging thoughts
Some pain in back
Planning thoughts, disappointment with this log..
All these were few and short.
More common - joy and expansivity and humor
Interested - in noticing how different views, things and thoughts trigger other thoughts and emotions

10 minute - and we call it puppy lurrrv
nice feelings rushing (tension in smiling muscles, pleasant vibrations rushing through chest and arms)
20 minute mixed noting
started out feeling expansion, contentment
then for some reason my thoughts wreaked havoc and I started obsessing about my sitting posture (modified it slightly fo today)
thus, planning thought, judging thought, frustration, imaging thought, sadness, frustration, imaging thought, disappointment, impatience
anger experienced as tension rushing up from knot in stomach to jaws

started out as donny osmond and ended up as marilyn manson

Good noting, Meekan. Noting works. Keep doing it, be persistent and patient, and your practice will pay off. I've never seen anyone for whom the noting practice did not pay off. And the more you do it, the better it works.

Thanks a lot Kenneth.
I hope my logging is ok for the purpose. I.e. That my accounts of my sits are easy to follow.
See you in 2011!