Meekan's meek journal

1 hour mixed noting.
Fascinatingly started on a good note, feeling joy, calm. curiosity, expecting
Pulsing in the beginning.
Lots of calm noted.
After some time a short period of very fast pulsing in head (and visual), curiosity.
Some sadness.
Then very calm and expanse (no light), monster itching.
calm, itching, disappointment
some image of a dark mass pressing out in my head (not very unpleasant though, mostly silent and dark).
Itching coming back, disappointment, thinking "why don't the itches disappear? I want to move on"
after this self-coaching "embrace what is! don't try to move along the maps"
calm
then very intense sadness came over me
calm, itching
very intense sadness, like I wanted to weep for the entire world
this really intense sadness interspersed with a dark calm and heavy itching, and my back pain came over me four times this sitting.
sadness, moisture, itching (tears)

Would you say you felt miserable?

"Would you say you felt miserable?"

I get uncertain about the word fitting.
Just the most intense sadness, like it's all hopeless and pain for everyone.
It sounds vague and airy fairy, but that's the closest I get..?
I had 4 rushes of that, and I tellya, it lingers on in the background...

"I get uncertain about the word fitting.
Just the most intense sadness, like it's all hopeless and pain for everyone.
It sounds vague and airy fairy, but that's the closest I get..?
I had 4 rushes of that, and I tellya, it lingers on in the background..."

dharmaoverground.org/web/guest/dharma-wi...e=MCTB%207.%20Misery

"This stage can be characterized by great feelings of sadness and loss. Again, there can almost be something nice about the heartfelt depth of these feelings, but this tends to be greatly overshadowed by the dark side of them. We are having our whole concept of self and the world as being permanent, able to satisfy, and even being us or separate from us torn down and violated by the now undeniable truth of the Three Characteristics. There can be a lot of grieving in this process.

This is hard to accept, and our resistance to this process causes us misery. Becoming lost in the content of these sensations and being unable to see their true nature is a somewhat common cause of failure to progress and failure to live healthily. On the mild side, we may just feel a bit like after we do after we have been crying. Misery is the transition point between the drum-like 5-8Hz part of the Dark Night and the very complex, irritating frequencies that follow. Attention continues to get wider and the center more blind. As things continue to fall apart, clearly demonstrate their unsatisfactoriness and their selflessness, this can cause..."

Thanks, Mu!
The sadness part sounds right, but the rest, hmm, maybe, dunno?

One of the tricky things is that we can be in, say, the misery nana - that's our cutting edge, and then sit and still have to go up through the stages prior to our cutting edge and have to do that in each sitting. What tends to happen is that the nanas we experience in each sitting are colored by our cutting edge. It can be a bit confusing.

Just trust in the process, pay attention to what's going on and see if things change.

Thanks a lot.
Funny thing is I haven't been scared off from sitting yet...
That comes later, right?

Well, you've got the map, so hopefully knowing that you are making progress will be enough of an incentive to not get scared away. What tends to scare people away is not knowing what this stuff is and worrying that they may be going crazy, getting possessed, or whatever else their noggin' comes up with as an explanation.

When the dukkha nanas hit me in full force for the first time, I really didn't get that that was what was happening. When I noticed the pattern, sat with it with that in mind, it really took a lot of the power away from it.

meekan,
I've been finding that reminding myself of the three characteristics several times a day has been helpful in dealing with some of this unpleasant stuff. Impermanent and not-self, especially help put anything ugly into perspective. It's just a physical sensation, which will be different in a moment, and my mis-perception of that sensation.
Hope this helps, Stream Entry or bust!!!!.

Cheers guys!
Thanks for being there.

45 minutes mixed noting
in the beginning lots of the shutter pulsing. "seeing seeing"
Excitement, beating (heart), tension, pressure
pulsing faded away
some small itches
lasted for a long time. At ~30 min looked at timer
an instance of short sadness, then a little calmer, a little clearer perception
then after a while, remembering thought, imaging thought (of a person
I've had some conflicts with MANY years ago), anger, tension, anger,
imaging thought
then sadness, anxiety in short bursts, then calm, small itching, itching
at the end lots of impatience, urge, planning thought, interest
(really curious about the sensation of impatience, and how I tend to
give in to the urge to stress on when I feel it, and just sitting with
it now, even though it being so strong).

Great reports, meekan. Keep it up!

"Great reports, meekan. Keep it up!"

Hey, Jgroove! Thanks a lot!

45 minute
Tough one. Throughout the entire sit, anxiety, racing heart, urge to get out, impatience, judging thought, analytical thought, planning thought.
Not much of a sequence except for, in beginning rushes of more intense anixiety/fear and imaging thoughts of being in some kind of fun fair ride. So more of thrill than fear...
Also after a while intense feelings of moving (similar to sitting in a boat) but this subsided.
Watching timer 3-4 times, and re-relaxing onto sitting with this heart racing anxiety.

How do you feel after the sit?

Funny you should ask
Didn't think about it.
I was very tired/sleelpy going in.
Then directly after the sit I felt focused and energized.
Shortly though, I had a short verbal fight and felt cold and anxious, basically.

All sounding quite Dark Nightish

"All sounding quite Dark Nightish"

Yeah, probably right.
Funny thing, it goes up and doun, but there is this tone of being unsatisfied/sad/anxious to most of my days.
But I haven't been this motivated todo formal sitting in maybe a year or two.
Given my hectic schedule I am quite surprised I've squeezed out so many 45 or longer sits...

45 minutes dead tired mixed noting
Mind wandering off track all the time
Tired, cold, shivers, pain
Two periods of lighter, seeing,expansion
In the middle monster itch with the second light
Cold, shivers, tired, yawn repeated throughout

Fuzzy sit with no clear sequence/stages

Need to catch some sleep.

Sometimes I do my best meditating when I'm asleep. Just kidding, but it seems for me that lately I'm better off being well rested than tired and meditating more. I may be wrong in the long run though, who knows?

The question of balance, eh?
Sit or sleep?
Sink or swim? Nah, not that dramatic
I reckon, with my lack pf time I sleep a little less and sit a little more at the moment.
Some of the sits probably have a lesser quality (concentrationwise) for it...
But heck, noting in all states should be beneficial?

45 min
Pulsing, tension
After some time, sadness, tension. Followed by calm for a long period. Strong itch.
After that short irritation. Sadness, tension, 2-3 cycles.
Intense anger, irritation, tension,
Calm, calm,
Towards end sadness, short joy, pleasure, sadness, pain, itching,
Calm.

Hi Meekan,

Sounds like progress to me! You are accessing deeper and more subtle layers of mind and your concentration is increasing. It may not feel like it because it is not one pointed but broader and more diffuse kind of concentration, like getting the big picture instead of small details.

See if you can embrace and welcome the negative sensations and mind states. There are qualities in Dark Night that can be even compelling. For me dark nights are always interesting because there is so much happening, so much to note.

The more you can open up to the sensations, the faster you move through the layers of mind. Meeting those negative feelings head-on can actually make you feel better. This is time of housecleaning in your practise, so keep that momentum going!

Antero.

(Edit: typo)

Hi, Antero!
Thanks a lot!
I really believe that I am now more at times opening up to the negative states, and studying them.
I think that's been the most interesting part of my practice for months now.

I really appreciate your comments and encouragement!!

Last day after the sit I was all jumpy and humorous. Making jokes and stuff!
Felt good throughout the day.
Today 45 min sit
Fast pulsing, very subtle, for a short while, then fear, tension, constriction of breath.
Came in a couple of attacks, one instance of sadness.self-pity
Then calm for a longer while. Then self-pity, sadness struck full force.
It was like a mix of sadness and fear. And my mind screamed out "I don't want this anymore. I want it all to end!"
After a while calm for a longer while. Smaller sadness a couple of times between calm.
Then had imaging thoughts about physical exercise funny enought. And this seemed to spark intense anger, irritation and disgust.
Then calm for a while, a little fear, sadness.
Mostly calm.
Then as in the last sits impatience, a little itching, pain.
Urges to quit and get up.
That is sitting is mainly ok 30 minutes, then I want to go away.