Meekan's meek journal

"
Ahh, in life I'm skilled at avoiding it, whereas sitting I just see suffering?
If I do some walking in the woods I tend to see lot of pleasant
"

It's one of the primary characteristics of reality. It reveals itself at the three characteristics stage (along with no-self and impermanence).

20 min sit. Aloud
Really tired.
4fs in sequence. Mind wandering really far off track during thought.
Totally fell out and automatically fell into some reciting of 1st foundation.
Bystander
Then mixed noting. Followed itches that changed somehow and wnt away.
When something was really prominent I noted it (calm, imaging thought, etc) and returned to the original itch.
Yawned a lot, which brought tears, so I noted "moist, itch, unpleasant..."
G'nite

stressed and tired going into sitting for a couple of days
30 min sitting aloud noting
4 Fs in sequence, "prssure, moist, itching..." "unpleasant, pleasant, neutral..." "embarassed, anxious, jumpy..." "dialoguing thought, selfcoaching thought..."
bystander a short portion
mixed noting, here the monster itches came. mind wandering at times, trying to follow one itch till after disappearing.
one monster itch nearly gave me goose bumps (almost as tough as some time ago), so I finally gavein and switched to that one.
pulsing, wriggling, peaking itching.

30 min
3*10 breath count. Comes easy to me even when other things interfere I don't lose count. Maybe 'cause I used to count breaths years ago.
Noting aloud.
99.9% bodily sensations (including seeing, since the jury's out on that one
Often forgetting to note tone, since often I just feel they are words.
I need to intellectually ask myself "what tone is this?" "well, I'd like to get rid of it... Must be unpleasant" but it doesn't feel like such a big deal.
Had an interesting itch near the nose close to my left eye. As I focused on it and noted it would feel like a poking (pulsating?) sensation with occasional pain pulses.
After that I had some pressure between the eyebrows, and focusing on that it would feel like it was behind my eyes.
Got a monster itch near left nostril that sent several shivers down the left side of my back all the way down to the buttocks.
It had tough competition from other itches, right nostril and near left eye.

The pulsing is really neat! I got really interested in those. Seeing if they were analog (smooth curve to the pulse) or digital (on, off, on, off). Also watching to see if it disappears instantly at some point or does it fade out. Also neat to see if the pulse has different rates at different points in your session or if it is actually several different pulses interacting to give the impression of a single one, things like that.

It sounds like things are starting to break up more and more for you. Keep doing what you're doing!

Also, really nice about the breath counting. I love breath counting (learned it from the three pillars of zen)

In the three pillars the students are first instructed to count 1 on in, 2 on out - up to 10 - repeat.
Later they only count the out breath (so in, out -1, in, out -2) etc. This way you coun't each set and it is more difficult.
Later still they only count the in breath (1, out, 2, out, etc.). This is harder still (I guess because you aren't doing a set and then counting but counting first, then breathing out, so it's harder to keep track of).

Kind of a neat way to play around with it I guess.

Thanks for the encouraging words!
I'll investigate the pulses more!

I've done all kinds of breath counting in my earlier days, whereas now, I just do on the outbreath.
Probably that's why I can do it. Funny thing is I wouldn't say I am very concentrated at all...

27 minutes
3*10 out-breath count (tired as a dawg, but still counted OK)
noting aloud, right into the mixed noting
"pressure, unpleasant, pressure, pain, calm, sleepy, pressure, sleepy..."
seldom noted tone
zoned out completely several times, and the feeling was like I had suddenly become mute
"Yikes, my speaking has come to a stop. Can't say anything... Reset" and then my noting started again.
My ole friends monster itches came by. Didn't note much pulsing, but there were again like waves of itch rolling in over the "background" itch or maybe pressure.
After hanging in there for a while, slowly diminishing, leaving a residue (felling like someone had pressed my skin there), and then vanishing.

on o content note, lots of tough stuff to deal with in life, but anyho...
25 minutes noting aloud
3*10 outbreath count
4 Fs + bystander
mixed noting
pressure, unpleasant, fear, sad, itching, pressure, unpleasant...
came a pain in the wrist, noted pain, pain, pain...
pain was there, but waves of pain moving, after a while the pain sensation went from wide to focused in a small point
it disappeared and I noticed that I didn't notice the precise moment of disappering
another pain came and it was more like a double tap of pain, then gone, then back, then gone (I thought it was gone "for good" a couple of times)
later itching, noted "itching, itching..." when zeroed in on the itch it transformed more to the aforementioned "poking feeling". Like someone was pressing my skin at that place.
pretty constant till it disappeared
other itch, "itching, itching...", but this one was more like the worm wiggling around under the skin

don't know if this is of any relevance..
Had the opportunity to do a little walking on my own. Walking meditation for 40 minutes and noticed something I've experienced for short periods of time lately.
Don't know how to describe it, but as I was noting the steps looking out at the world I have the perception that is best described as being in a beautiful 3D landscape. The perspectives of objects as I am moving around are very distinct (distances between them and such).

In a way I am there, but in a way dissociated from it all (which sounds to me as I am moving AWAY from oneness?!).
Like being an avatar in a 3D animated world.
I'm not making too much of it at all, but was just wondering if this is just some random experience or if it is in any way connected to vipassana meditation?
(BTW, starting analysis of it all and thinking about it messes the experience up

What you are doing seems to be working. Don't take that pot off the stove!

heavy resistance to sitting and not much discipline today
20 minute sit, 3*10 on the inbreath this time
noting aloud
pressure, unpleasant, itching, itching, analyzing thought, itching, unpleasant...
came a very tough itch. it persisted to the end, some wigglinf sensation, sometimes the itch felt like water dripping. Once thought it was gone, but back in full force.
finally just bailed

Haven't been sitting at all for a couple of days.
Taoist, Wei, no wei.
Hey, wu wei, or whatever.
I'll be back.

"Haven't been sitting at all for a couple of days.
Taoist, Wei, no wei.
Hey, wu wei, or whatever.
I'll be back."

Hi Meekan,

When I was a hard core spiritual nutcase, I would get so frustrated with myself for missing sits etc. I made myself suffer. But then I realized one day, it doesn't matter. if one day your practice lapses, just realise it and say "Meh!" and then continue to practice. I have a feeling that certain stages (and of course life in general) can really influence us to be absent minded or lazy and miss our sits. It's part of the package. I still am suffering from laziness and lack of drive at times. Although I shouldn't say suffer because I just realize that was what happened and now is now, and I begin again. Awesome! Hurry up and pop!

Nick

Edited to add: Still though, MOMENTUM!!! MOMENTUM!!!! MOMENTUM!!!!! Hehe!
And if you miss your sit, practice while you do your day to day stuff. MOMENTUM!!!

Yeah, I'll just add that I really really think it's important to have compassion toward yourself and to cultivate that. I was going through some really bad stuff and one of the things that really helped was suggested to me by owen. He said I should do a meta practice directed at myself. It really did help.

This process is going to show you some really great things about who you are as well as some really nasty things. Through that process, however, you will learn to accept what you are right here and right now. Through that compassionate attitude toward yourself you will see that compassion spread to others as well.

Edit:
Yeah, you still want to keep momentum going. And by accept what you are I mean learn to see what you really are rather than who you think you are.

Hi, guys!
Thanks a lot for your responding!
Nik, I have to confess that I normally had those kinds of "Oh, shucks, missed a sitting two days in a row, Darn it!" and fret about getting to the next sit.

But this week I've just felt like "who gives a filth flarn filth".
Probably just too much stuff to deal with in the world right now.

And I am reading the discussions here to stay connected.

I'lll get back on that sisyphean job of sitting again soon!
Thanks, guys.

Easing into it with a lot of resistance to starting
20 minute sit.
3*10 breath count. Noted 1-10 on outbreath. Never lost count, but my mind was in lala-land much of the time.

Noting aloud.
sadness, pressure, unpleasant, selfcoaching thought, aversion, pain, unpleasant, ...
noting these, the bodily sensations came and hung around for a while, being pretty static, till they disappeared.
During noting I had sensations of being pretty wobbly. Not swaying physically as I did at times during retreat, but more feeling like I was on a boat but internally.
Had feelings of nausea as well, noting "nausea... nausea"
time felt like 45 minutes, but was 20.

meekan. You are making real progress now.

This part sucks, but it gets much better. A timer and a routine schedule is your friend now. You have to keep going, don't lose momentum.
(Thanks for the encouragement this weekend. It has really helped).

45 minute walking
noting silently
mostly noting steps, but also thoughts and emotions, bodily sensations (no tone though).
mind whirring around.
small glimspes of detached feeling, but other mostly regular quite nice walk. some buzzing heaviness in fingers (probably blood flowing freely to them).

"bodily sensations (no tone though).
"

Same here, when meditating in action I find myself hardly noting tone. I do notice it, but usually there are already other sensations taking center stage before I get to noting tone.

" You have to keep going, don't lose momentum.
"

Oh, I thought it was mo'mentum, mo'problems?
If puns led to enlightenment, dang, I would be there now (which I, where and when??)

27 minutes noting aloud
4fs in succession
Pressure, itching, pressure, pain, itching, itching...
Unpleasant, neutral, unpleasant, unpleasant, etc...
Sad, calm, sad, tired, calm, anxious, anxious, sad, calm...
ImaGing thought, saddening thought, judging thought, imaging thought...
Bystander
See how it sits, see how it feels an itch, see how it feels sad, see hos it sits, see how it has an imaging thought...

Then general noting...
Ome itch was squirming, and focusing on it it became the pressure sensation, as soon as I thought it was gone, the itch was back...
Went on for a while. Then there were other itches, fairly static till they disappeared.
After 20 minutes or so there came this intense sadness and urge, and after trying to focus on the itch where I was, I just went on and finally acknowledged the sadness and restlessness and anxiety out loud, so I could let it be and not fight it.

exit(-1);

Hiya, I'll be taking some time off from writing the journal here.
I'll be writing for myself, and plan on returning if there is anything I feel is changing or so.
I will still be reading some on this site. You guys are sure writing some motivational and inspiring texts. Thanks to Owen for his last text on noting games, a true gem for me!
Thanks Mumu for all the encouragement and Ian, Ryguy, Nik and all of you for answers and encouragement.
And thank you Kenneth for teachings and also for having the site itself!!

And maybe I am making an ass of myself with these thanks sounding as if I'll be away on a journey, where I actually may be back with some new (or not so... profound question in a week

Best of luck. Hope you do come back!

Hey meekan,

I thought about this as well. I see myself writing many very similar posts each day at my practice log, sometimes not getting replies and wondering: am I not boring people with this? But then I decided just to keep doing it, people don't have to read it or reply all the time (I prefer that they do of course ), as long as this keeps motivating me. I don't know if your reasons are similar or totally different, but I just wanted to share this.

I think Kenneth reads them all and only posts when he has something to point out. That's the impression I got from him while talking to him.

I read every post that goes up here. I often don't want to distract people or have nothing else to add.