recording and learning

Excellent notes mate, your descriptions of the ñanas sound pretty good to me. Solid practice, great momemtum and great progress since you started posting! Get in there!!

Thanks guys!

started noting out loud whenever I drive anywhere 'because I can'...

60 min noting at lunch on the cushion, mostly out loud.
concentration felt a bit low
rising, falling, tingles, itching, thinking, lots of thoughts I couldnt quite see...
hearing, hearing, looking, looking (back of eyelids as usual), tingling, pressure in the head, third eye pushing out, tingling, pressure, some light creeping tingles moving up the left and right forehead, more thoughts, the usual images of failing, 'i cant do this' thoughts, images., images - its not very clear yet but I notice the self images that pop up. They seem to be just pictures of a generic 'somebody' in one emotional state or another, and when the images arise which is often contant in the background whether I see it or not, the attach and trigger sensations in the body. Like some sort of voodoo doll made of dream fragments, if the images look like a person wanting to be sad there is sadness in the body.
More basic noting, a few doubles, tried to catch some mindstates but seem to have a weakness in doing so. I can pick out individual thoughts but identifying mindstates is tough. Often there is something going on but the label for it escapes me.
More tingling, itches, breathing, then again noting this 'self image', and back to the rushing energy in the body, tingles strong and everywhere, tingles filling the top of the head and then going away after being noted for a bit. More hearing, breathing, tingles until the bell, noted impatience and desire to look at the clock a number of times.

got busy - yesterday did another 50 min out loud. Decided this time to stay with one sensation until it went away or something else got more interesting. Started rising, falling, hearing, some body sensations, then discovered a few flickering points of tingling, pinpricks flashing on and off on the end of the left index finger, right on the tip. Stayed with that, noting tigling, pinpricks, flickering, vibrating... After a while it went away and noticed some other stuff vibrating in the body. It came back again for a few minutes and then went away for good. Then noticed pressure in the third eye area, stayed with that. Built up into a very very strong intense tingling, pulsing, shifting pressure, almost too intense to stand. Didn't see very many thoughts clearly that session. After a while the pressure spread out, shifted a bit. There were some pulling sensations, twisting sensations where it felt like the pressure and tingling shifted to the left side of the head or was trying to, and somehow the head felt pulled over. At a spot there was also this twisting force on the neck, feeling like it wanted to twist a bit. Then I noticed intense heat in the left foot, shifted to that, noting heat, then some vibrations and pinpricks around, but heat was dominating that area for a while. After a while the whole thing calmed down and hearing, rising, falling prevailed until the end of the session. Did a few doubles on the sensations but its hard to see feeling tone, lots of stuff seems to not have any, except for some contractions/unpleasant or pressure/pulsing/pleasant...
Felt kind of 'burnt' after that session and was somewhat irritable the rest of the evening and some of this morning. Judgemental thoughts sticking, quick to see faults in others, etc. Also switched to ships in harbor a few times.

This morning I did some quick shamata before yoga and then tried my 'equanimity prayer' again. It sometimes works very well. (cont..)

bascally I wish for all beings to be in a state of equanimity, with no attachment to thoughts or feelings, like so: 'may all beings be free of attachment and aversion'. If I really *mean* it and am somewhat powered up by concentration sometimes the mind will give me a taste of that state, and for a minute or number of seconds thoughts and feelings will slide by like skates on ice and it seems easy to have a direct experience. I came up with this a week ago, not sure where the idea came from.

Late report again...
Session with Kenneth yesterday - take away:
More doubles and triples/quads, Binary noting or reductionist on the mental side probably better for me now - I have seen the stuff many times no need to note the detail. Its images, or thinking, or noise. Playing with that seems to be more useful as most of the thinking at this point feels like daydreams anyway, whether pleasant or unpleasant. I have very very few verbal thoughts anyway they are mostly sensory or image fragments, usually not very clear.
-Continuous mindfullness during the day important.
I will start sitting in the morning daily to start the habit first thing.
Staying with the most pronounced sensation until it changes or releases is a good thing to do.

After the session I got mired in some extreme 'despair' - mind looping and was unable to see into it until I hit the cushion after work.

2 hour sit. Noting out loud for first 90 min.
Essentially there was a tension/cramp in the solar plexus. At first this was the most pronounced. I noted it a while, got into it, then expanded to doubles, triples and quads, still on the cramp. after 5-10 minutes it started to shift and change, and eventually died down, at which point s tremendous amount of tension appeared in the head region, so I stayed with that for a while. It broke into tingling sensations, pulsing, and at one point felt like there was a mass of small worms crawling all over the surface of my head. The sensations were *very* intense, and I was doingabout half singles, half triples and quads. Then the head would simmer down and again the cramp would appear in the solar plexus.
Back again to repeat the process. This happened at least ten times, back and forth, probably more. I saw at least 4 or 5 flavors of aversion - images of pushing away, images of fleeing, images of despair, images of whining/unfairness, images of blocking/resistance...
cont..

by the end of the sit it felt like all kinds of stuff in the body had released. I noted calm, some doubles where I noted tension/pleasant/curiousity (the thought was how could it be pleasant?) - at some point near the end hearing the silence in the room become overwhelming compared to anything in the body, so I switched to that for a bit.

edit - forgot I had some times this AM when vision seemed to be choppy, like somehow it was fading in and out really fast, just barely noticeable but not something I usually see at all.

Sat for 30 this AM. Noting silently. had a weak version of the solar plexus to head thing again, some daydreams which are normal for a morning sit for me....Today I feel a bit on a razor edge like I can stay with the body and remain OK, or jump back into a mess. I will continue some binary noting or at least noticing when thinking is occuring and coming back.

55 minutes at lunch. Out loud.
Found a weak cramp still in the stomach. Noted it, some doubles and triples but the mind side is starting to get fragmented. Just unclear image fragments, like chopped up memories or something. No idea.
Similar to last night, but not as strong. Cramp would reveal pulsing, tingles, heat and then submerge and sensation would surface at the head again. Mostly identities, image-like thought fragments. A few rounds back and forth from stomach to head, then some strong itching on the nose, then somewhere else... Hard to keep a rhythm going, noted tired once or twice.

think I will start sharpening some of the other F's, exclusively for a few sits, starting with the 2nd.
I had this weird experience last retreat where I somehow put my awareness in the 2nd foundation, where thats *all* I saw of the mind for a few minutes, judging as good or bad, every object as it presented. I'm missing alot there. Once I get that sharpened up I will work on 3 and then 4. Should be able to do another long day Sunday (4-6 hours probably)

90 more min tonight in two blocks. Intent to work on more doubles and triples but things went in a slightly different direction.

Staying with prominent sensations and doing doubles and triples - some of the sensations occuring and mind states are unknown. Worked hard to break into some of the stuff. Seeing constant running idea of being broken, trying to fix. Noting it over and over - some memories of childhood stuff popping up. All kinds of memory fragments, no reason - do a triple and look at the mind and poof there is some memory of being caught in same mindstate 25 years ago or something..

Also - in both sits especially the first one the body seemed clearer than usual - not reacting as much or at all to the mind stuff. Later in the first sit got a taste of low EQ again, thoughts getting lubed up somehow and smiling at accepting everything entering and leaving. Tension - OK. Angry thought - OK... Not solid but I can see how everything really can be noted.

Had a number of 'release moments' where some tension building up, with some thought loop- seeing the thoughts more clearly and noting them and then all that energy releases - a wave of sensation/tingles and noting 'release'.

60 minutes out loud this morning, some doubles and triples. Body fairly clear except the head,
rising, falling until noticing tension in the head - noting it, tension, vibration, pulsing, heat, noting feeling tone, switching to triples and getting no clear mindstates except sometimes 'self fixing', a few thoughts like 'desire for approval' or 'desire to avoid disapproval' - much of the time when looking at the mind side when feeling the tension/sensations in the head I am getting half formed stuff or random memories popping up. Stuff I never think about at all, like suddenly having the brain recollect a few moments of something from 15 years ago for no reason at all. Did have another release, looking into an image of something, some picture of self again from a memory possibly and then a surge of tingling throughout the body, filling the head and the tension changes, moved/shifted somehow. Have noticed that for the last few sittings now tension won't stick to the stomach anymore - when it occurs I note it and feel into it and it dissipates on its own.

I was noticing yesterday that the only time I have verbal thoughts is when I imagine I am talking to someone/playing out a convo, or writing (or noting of course). Otherwise its all image fragments, sometimes really hard to see. Not sure what that means, just the way its always been. I would be curious to know how different people think differently. I can purposely shift to verbal thinking but it feels 'slow' and abnormal.

55 min at lunch.
less eventful than the last few days..
Just rising, falling, tension/unpleasant/aversion, a few different flavors of aversion, one the 'whining' one and one the pushing away one, mild. Most of the tension in the head, not very much in the rest of the body. Near the end noting calm a few times, had another bit of release, and noted desire to fix, desire to strive a few times after which things got fairly mellow - noticing same feeling predominating now even 3 hours later.

30 min last night, daydreaming, took extra effort to stay on task.

50 minutes this AM, seeing more daydreaming, noting it, noting noise, noting clarity, rising, falling, seeing, hearing, noting some daydreams, judgemental thoughts, a tendency to default to thoughts of self pity, noting that.
Interesting that I got to a point where I could note 'noise', and see what the mind was spinning and it would dissipate, clarity of the senses would return. Attachment to clarity occurred and I forgot to note it.

55 min noting out loud (mostly) at lunch -
rising, falling, tension in the head, tingling in the head, sometimes pleasant, sometimes unpleasant. Thoughts of striving, trying to fix, trying to achieve, thoughts of defeat, thoughts 'I cant do it', hearing, some sort of thought loop running that I couldnt see - maybe I was trying too hard? Bell.

"55 min noting out loud (mostly) at lunch -
rising, falling, tension in the head, tingling in the head, sometimes pleasant, sometimes unpleasant. Thoughts of striving, trying to fix, trying to achieve, thoughts of defeat, thoughts 'I cant do it', hearing, some sort of thought loop running that I couldnt see - maybe I was trying too hard? Bell. "

This post made me think about the subtle attitudes we bring to meditation. I've been trying to bring a gentler, more accepting and even joyful attitude to the noting practice: just the arising and passing away of objects and the knowing of this, moment by moment, nice and easy, no reason to strive. Can I see the object and the knowing of the object as impersonal and disconnected from any agenda I might have?
I'm not entirely sure about this, but I think it's possible to be embedded in a kind of background mind state that is somewhat stressful, even as you do the practice. It wouldn't make sense that over-striving could just be stuck there, a permanent fixture, but maybe it's possible for striving or resistance to be repeatedly coming up as temporary mind states/objects, but not noted or disembedded from frequently enough. As a result, they create a kind of tone for the session. Maybe bringing an attitude of acceptance, relaxation, etc., helps to counter this? Certainly, one would want to note these more 'positive' mind states as well.
But the fact that you're noting 'striving,' 'trying to fix,' defeatist thoughts, etc., seems like great news: you're aware of these things as they arise and so you're not entangled in them.

Thanks - yes some of the mental habits run deep enough that they are very hard to see.

"I'm not entirely sure about this, but I think it's possible to be embedded in a kind of background mind state that is somewhat stressful, even as you do the practice."

-I'm sure thats the case. Whats interesting is it doesnt ruin the whole practice, it just means that I cannot go deeper until it is seen and noted.
Feels like I am peeling an onion lately. Thought habits that were running the show are being seen and noted, and they are starting to lose their power - I dont even care what part of the maps this stuff is, I feel clearer and lighter just from seeing it, accepting it and noting it, and lately there has been a shift where it seems much easier to directly be here with the senses.
I'm consciously trying to bring an attitude of acceptance to the stuff that arises - it seems to allow smoe things that were supressed to be seen and noted, and move on. Otherwise they seem to hang around forever saying 'hey look at me, I need attention...'

3x30 minutes noting -

very different today -
fearmind, anxiety, looping - hard to concentrate.
Basically did tension/unplesant/aversion over and over, seeing into the images of aversion, feeling the contraction in the gut, chest and neck - the pressure in the head. Did have some release at some point but never really shifted out of this mode.
what did Kenneth tell me? Something about after a while the dark knight will be like my old friend..

while noting on and off throughout the day yesterday I noticed that there is a big difference between having a thought of anxiety arise (I get some sort of half formed, vague image that immediately triggers fear - no idea what it is), and noting the mindstate as 'anxiety', versus noting 'anxious thought'.
Seems like using the wording 'anxiety *thought*' adds into the noting process the objectification of the object as being a *thought*, and makes it seem less powerful. Its almost like I note thoughts but without the word 'thought' in the noting there is less knowing of the fact that it is, indeed, just a thought. This seems helpful and I will try to note thoughts in this way more often, exclusively if possible. I may also try adding the word 'mindstate' to mindstate noting or 'tone' or 'reaction' to vedana noting. Since pleasant and unpleasant seem to be reactions of the mind, this may clarify that foundation better for me than just noting 'unpleasant' - maybe. I will try it and see how it works. I might even try adding the word sensation to the end of first foundation noting and see how that works. Might be cumbersome but could be helpful for situations where the sense of 'I' is firmly entrenched in some sensation or thought combination.

eh - adding the word 'thought' to 4th foundation is good. The rest dont seem to be helpful.

Did 6 hours on the cushion today with some walking. Most noting out loud, last half hour was concentration to stabilize. three two hour sits.

First sit seemed to start where I left off yesterday at fear/anxiety, shifted to light nausea and a different tone in the body. Thoughts mostly aversion, some irritation at the mindstates noted.

Second sit seemed different, body more calm, but tension popping up in stomach and neck region, thoughts seemed to be aversion but of a 'self pitying' flavor and resistance of the giving up variety. Felt as deep into the tension and sensations as I could, noting tons of aversion and self pity mindstates/thoughts/images.

Third sit started off with a bit of the second, but then the mind got harder to see, obvious thoughts were nowhere to be seen. Some striving noted and random stuff, mostly tension in the head, but flavors changed to more neutral and pleasant and tension moved up higher, sometimes to the crown. I was in a good groove there, noting 4-10x on each sense and moving it around. The mind wasn't clear exactly but almost every time I moved to note mindstates or thoughts I drew a blank and quickly moved on. Started to feel in this sit like concentration was limiting me somehow, and since I remember concentration being a good idea after these long sessions I did the last half hour pure on the breath, mostly in the nose and the 'spot'.

I know I've been here before, but once again...:

"It's my observation that thousands of post A&P "chronic achiever" yogis are stuck precisely because they have poorly developed concentration skills. They have been told to "investigate," but do not have sufficient concentration to access deeper strata of mind. This bobbing around in the shallows can go on forever. You can investigate the froth on the surface of the sea for eons without finding the treasures that lie in the depths. "

Indeed I know how this feels. Then I looked at the basic instructions again, and they seem to indicate that one could only note rising and falling, over and over, switching *if* I get torn away from rising and falling.

45 minutes noting at lunch - Noted rising and falling, felt some tension crawling up the neck area, saw some fearful images in the mind, repeating, yet vague, indistinct, like some image or memory of being hurt somehow - not sure. While still noting rising and falling noticed an increasing depth to the sensations in the stomach, and in the body generally.

37 minutes noting tonight, will do another half hour in a few with the gf.

Noted rising and falling, felt sensations in the stomach, more crawling tension up the neck, which then moved up to the head and became a strong pulsing sensation with a mildly pleasant to neutral tone, Continued to note rising and falling and saw many thoughts passing by, found the 'witness' suddenly as awareness was behind everything all the sudden, which came on strong and then got sometimes weaker and sometimes stronger as the sit went on. After about 15? minutes or so something shifted and the mind noise present in the first half of the sit just went away. Mildly pleasant overall tone. Still on rising and falling, watching the mind, seeing many half formed images and thoughts pass by, many seen as having the same flavor of a dream.

That last 30 minutes last night -
Noted rising and falling, silently, felt lots of energy and movement in the body, intense, almost painful pinpricks and tingles all over the head, some strong witness, and at some point I saw some C's - in a big way, like seeing that all of experiencing is unsatisfying somehow, and somehow not very solid, noticed some fear and uncertainty, questioning, and a feeling like the rug had been pulled out from under me. Went out to eat after, was in a really great mood, silly, almost manic but not quite. Felt clearer than usual.

-Haven't logged this but waking up with a headache (light migraine) last 4 days in a row. I get them sometimes but never ever like this day after day.

Woke up migrainy, sat for 1 hour, Noted rising, falling, witness was weak, ability to stay with object was weaker than last night. Noted some failure images, self doubt, tiredness, desire to sleep, Rising, falling. Its normal for me to be unable to stay with objects in the morning, so I usually look at morning sits as a way to start the day - if I keep it up throughout the day usually the evening sits benefit greatly.

For a bit I will try to walk that thin line between concentration and insight - seems like if I can stay with the rising and falling solidly but notice everything else as it occurs it feels very productive to me. Its been a while since I saw any of the characteristics clearly and without meaning to before. Its just kind of popped out there on its own. I'm also starting to see how I am all over the map, but how my lack of concentration seems to keep me from staying up there - I also have lots of 'stuff' that seems to mimic DN. Whether this is because I have crossed to DN already or just because I'm nuts who knows. I'll vote for the latter ;p

last night:

1 hour plus a bit, Noting rising and falling,
Noticed some space behind the mind at first, followed by an overall pleasant tone, then shifted into tension rising up into the neck, very intense, moving up into the head, some tingling and pinpricks, then something changed and there was a feeling of being very streched out in space somehow, like the sensations in the stomach were far away, all the space could be 'felt' somehow. Then the body got very puffy feeling, dense, felt very very heavy and puffy somehow, then after a while things got back to normal and the rising and falling continued, occasional thoughts noted, chains like tension/unpleasant/aversion or strivingmindset, self judgement, tension...

50 minutes at lunch.
Noting rising, falling, tiredness, heavyness, lazy mindset, rising, falling... It took extra effort to stay on track in this sitting. I was in my car on a job site and noticed half way thru that I couldnt stay alert leaning back, so I adjusted the seat upright. That was better but the whole session felt like I had just woken up for some reason.
-Later on I had a tension stuck in the middle of the neck, so I noted it and felt the area repeatedly. As I felt into the area while noting it, awareness got sharper and more open, as aversion to the tension lessned its hold. This was after the lunch sit, just working.

hour noting after work..
Unable to do the rising/falling only - no ability to stay with an object. Switched back to just noting what comes up -
tension, contraction, not wanting this thoughts, aversion thoughts, - aversion looping had set in underneath over the last few days and needed the note. Bad. It was kind of a tantrummy, desire for deliverance type aversion.
After a while there were a few events of release, lots of energy rushing, tingles, and then noting calm, mild pleasant tone.
Near the end more tension, more aversion.

edit - also had this weird clenching of the mouth and lips a few times... face must have looked pretty strange.

I surrender to this, and I note it. Noting desire to cry and curl up into a ball.

45 minutes out loud, noting what comes up this AM...
-rising, falling, contraction, tingling, hearing, -
fairly calm, hearing/seeing (back of eyelids), some breathing, noted 2nd foundation all over the body for a minute, mostly did body or environment notes back and forth with mindstates or thoughts/images as they arose. Added word mindstate to some noted mindstates. Noticed lots of normal stuff, fear of failing thoughts, vague worrying mindstates, desire to measure up thoughts, images of not being good enough, like memory fragments, caught some images from memory, noted anger at people in my past, noted irritation at repetetive thoughts noted above, noted desire to be free of conditioning. More hearing, seeing, lots of rising and falling somewhere near the end, some release again of energy as I looked directly at a half formed image of a 'me' cowering in 'failure' of some sort, very vague but looked at it and then rushing energy in the head, tingles pushing out of the scalp, noted calm, noted release, back to hearing, seeing, rising and falling. Bell. Noted lots of mindstates this time, most listed above, - they just continue to arise, over and over, and get noted. Sounds tough but the reaction in the body was not very strong and the thoughts/mindstates above were subtle, non-verbal.

55 minutes at lunch - seemed fairly calm fort a while, rising, falling, small tensions, some tingling, noticing lots of images of a self, images of being inferior - very subtle, like a sheet covering my experience, a mental habit, noted occuring over and over. noting identity, images.
Phone rang, noting irritation, complaining, thoughts of self pity, this went on for a while, with the requisite contractions in the stomach, chest and neck, then settled back into about the same as before -
near the end experiencing was deeper still, with the mind trying to interrupt every second with images of a 'me' , usually negative as before, though sometimes just an image of someone being aware, a vague thought, like a dream fragment. Hearing and seeing, rising and falling, images, images, until the bell.