recording and learning

"I keep forgetting the real doorway - *now*. No past, no future. If I let go of everything that isnt NOW, there is no problem. 3rd gear... I need to use this as a basis for everything else."

Yes. Always ring the nondual bell first. Nice insight.

Returning to now as best as I can all morning...
55 min noting at lunch - feeling like low EQ, attitude of investigating whatever arises. Tension in gut, noting, thoughts of not being good enough, noting, then at some point feeling head, neck, tingling all over, hands tingling, forehead, spine in neck hot with tingling, expanding feelings, investigating centerpoint, 2nd gear "who is it that experiences all this? Where does experiencing originate" - looking at the centerpoint then 'pop' - there isnt one. Just sensations, but where did the center go?
Getting up off the cushion, triggered upset easily by some work issue, initially thrown and reacting, then stopping, looking at feelings/thoughts arising in space.

two hours - 1.5 Kasina, 30 minutes noting although I started noting a bit during the kasina practice. I am starting to see how as concentration deepens it brings up more subtle levels of my 'stuff' that I haven't fully experienced. I can see the use of staring at the flame until concentration stalls and then noting what gets in the way - lots of old pain, memories of being bullied on the playground, thoughts of wanting to be accepted, thoughts of trying harder to achieve at something to do this... Energy and tension/pain in the gut.

1hr noting and some 2nd gear this morning. Still lots of tension in the gut, watching the feelings... Watching them for change, asking who is experiencing them, etc - ended with some break/up expansion in the head, multiple waves of intense bliss-like sensations, millions of pinpricks shooting up to the top of my head, 5 or 6 times. Peace...

Also noting that last night I could see some DN stuff - this time I was able to ride the sensations... Vibrations all over the body, but not in harmony. Discord, harsh sensations. Like someone playing harsh noisy metallic music all over my body. I think this is one of the first times I was actually curious, almost glad to see the sensations.

Cause and effect (your stuff from post 52)/Three characteristics (pain in the gut, tension)/A&P (waves of bliss, etc.)

Perhaps?

Yep - you may be right about last night being three... Cause today after this morning I am in 'curl up and die' mode - only thing that seems to help is bodyscanning from the root to the crown, over and over again - otherwise I start looping and its hard to come out of it! Wow. Even trying to note is tough, because its enough mental activity to release a swarm of chickens.

'haywire' again - noted for an hour and had to stop... Mind getting jumpy and thoughts racing faster than I can see. Switched to the candle for another hour. Noting without stability doesnt seem to work that well. Did get to soft J1 near the end of the hour though... Seems more stable/stronger than before but just approaching the door still...

Have you tried noting thoughts? As long as you note them they can be just as good as any other object, rather than a problem.

Yes - I tend to get lost though pretty easily... Note everything!

-- Last night was a bit wild after sitting.. Lots of tension, anxiety, feeling of something rising up the body. Very unpleasant until I went to bed, then it shifted into intense, wild energy playing with my head and crown, tingling all over the body from the root up and then something a bit out of the ordinary for me - a white hot, almost too intense pleasurable sensation started at the root and solidly formed a column of this feeling up my spine to the middle of my back - I had no control over this and could just lie there feeling it. It was one of the strongest sensations I have ever felt in the body.. Just another experience!

edit - the mind felt very powerful.. Maybe next time that happens I will get up and do something with it on the cushion.

Ahh - I think I understand what I was doing to myself noting - I was trying to go too fast, in a situation where I was already closer to being freaked out... Next noting session will be slow and deliberate, not trying to notice the hundred thousand vibrations in two seconds, just one thing at a time.

55min noting at lunch - felt more productive. Slower, more deliberate and caught many more thoughts than usual.
rising
falling
tension, tension, tingles, contraction, pain, thought -desire to get lost in thinking...
rising, falling, seeing, hearing, rising, falling, desire to daydream, etc

many times I caught my mind going into things it likes to get lost in, like thinking I have to fix myself or thinking about achievement, or even the more base 'im not enough' - but this time I could see that what happened was *first* a desire to not be here, to think arises, and *then* my mind chooses one of its typical 'poisons' to keep from being here and now. The stuff I get lost in really has no real 'truth' to it - its just daydreams that I have believed for a long time.

70 min Candle Kasina, nothing to report...

angry at *everything* today - such a rare phase for me... Ah well. I apologized to my GF and she said she hadn't noticed I was grumpy so I guess it isnt wildly out of control yet.

hour noting at lunch...I altered the process slightly and twice now it has helped me detach from thoughts better. What I have been doing is switching senses every few notes.. body, hearing, seeing, touch on floor, rising, falling, then I note the mind and somehow after moving around the senses I can see the thoughts more clearly for a bit and its more obvious they are thoughts, 'over there'... Seems to be better for me (today?) than staying in the body exclusively and then trying to see mental states... Guess I use what works best until it doesnt!
I would like to work on being able to remember more of the sitting so I can just write a more descriptive narrative...although my 'goal' here is to see cause and effect... How does my mind best detach from thoughts? How does my mind best detach from sensations? What really causes suffering? Etc..

Is there a you apart from thought?

yes that works well too I have noticed - 2nd gear also adds some space.

75 min breath and Kasina - experimented with a spot on my chest that seems to produce lots of good feelings *but* it produced an undesirable state for some reason... Did the rest on the candle. Starting to realize that effort really does need to be balanced.

30 more minutes of noting last night, 50 minutes this morning... Noting is the Shizz.
Lots of old stuff this AM, noting
seeing, hearing, touching floor, rising, falling, heat, pinpricks,itching,
every time I threw an eye on my mind what happened was images of the past, stuff from childhood that I can see clearly colors my personality...

60 minutes noting at lunch... Very different this time...
rising , falling, feeling floor, feeling seat, hearing cars, rising, falling, contraction, thinking, thought of achievement, image of self,
-this continued for a bit but there was a feeling of 'meh', none of it mattered much and things got calmer and calmer - then something noticed... Image of self in the mind, noted, looked at it, and *it wouldnt stay the same* - coming and going.. thought "omg nothing in the mind stays the same - there's nothing to hold on to" - more rising, falling, sounds, sensations in the body, more calm, noted. Near the end of the sit I had a strange moment where it felt like I was about to pass out or something, wavered for a bit, probably blood sugar or something, - kept noting.. Found tension in the body, noted, and the same thing noticed - gone. Nothing in the body to hold on to either. Calm. Noted.

3x30 minutes noting, hard to stay on track today, slipped back into some looping and fearmind - noted 'looping', 'fearful thoughts', rising, falling, tension, twitching, etc... 'wandering mind'

Thanks for the phenomenological reports. You seem to be doing great with the noting. Keep us posted!

Thanks - its taking some time to get the practice down but it seems to be improving, and is very very effective!

20 min kasina last night, playing with some different ideas - I may try to create a white sheet/brown spot kasina that can be taped up wherever I wish to practice...

75 min noting at the beach today -
more body this time, noting qualities of sensations, vibrations, heat, pinpricks, etc, some seeing some hearing. I notice that closing my eyes seems to be better than open. Also there is a spot in the back of my neck at the base of the neck which is somehow connected to a looping of self doubt that I have had for years. If I really feel into this area and try to note what is felt the looping relaxes more and more until it seems to be mostly gone. curious, and also seems to unblock something that allows for more sensation above it in the head, and a clearer experience of reality...

70 min Kasina - printed sheet of paper with brown circle on it... Getting closer to J1, today I saw that controlling anything in the visual field or the mind is a mistake. "dont control anything just LOOK at it"... The printed circle is a bit different than the candle, but seems just as effective.