recording and learning

55 minutes - noting whatever arises, mostly mind/body, started out loud..
Starting calm, experiencing deep and easier, a few thoughts similar to earlier, like negative self images.. At some point the calm deepened, noted it but not sure yet what 'calm' is - will need more investigation. Out loud suddenly seemed too much, too abrasive to the experience, shifted to silent, then at some point the mind and body were still enough that the noting stopped, just sitting there, mind hitting objects, broader awareness, hitting thoughts, mostly thoughts of there being an observer.. Then that thought was wordlessly noted and there was a moment of unity, with no self anywhere, just a quick look, then a shift to more energy in the body, some sort of pleasant exitement, fading again and back to just more being here.. At some point it was obvious that drifting and unobserved thoughts about the experience would set in, and so I started out loud again for a minute then back to silent, silent noting until the bell.

70 min silent noting this morning
-hearing, seeing, rising, falling. Thoughts like images of failure, worrying about failure, desire to be free from worry, anxious mindstates, thoughts of attainment, got caught in a few daydreams, noted daydream. Some tension in the body, mild intensity. Noting it, feeling it, noting the aversion (belief that it shouldn't be there flavor) - ahh the many flavors of aversion. Maybe that would make a great ice cream store?

- I always notice more worrying and fear of failure/ desire for approval/acceptance and aversion to being negatively judged when I sit with other people, which is Friday morning and Saturdays.

Note to self - when sitting in DN territory, experiencing harsh unpleasant vibrations in the body, emotions, etc - it is *key* for me to see into the nature of the aversion, noting its qualities, as images, thoughts, etc.

55 minutes noting at lunch.

Started out with harsh vibrations, lots of aversion. Noting sensations, vibrations and contractions/tension in stomach, chest, neck, head - some pulsing in different areas as well, everything out of sync, happening off-beat with each other in different parts of the body. Tried smiling a bit while noting the aversion, the sensations, didnt seem to do much, might have allowed for a bit of release.
What *did* seem to make a difference, unless I am completely fooling myself, was taking a wider awareness and noting withing that. I Allowed awareness to expand wider to the whole sense of the body in a gentle way and kept noting sensations and thoughts, and some vedana and mindstates. Seemed to be easier, more natural than focusing hard on one thing after another, trying to look at it. Could be that it is best to allow attention to match the jhana corresponding to where I am in the maps?
After a while I got interested in whether awareness/experiencing itself is solid, and tried to investigate. Things had been getting calmer and calmer, more open, and more clear without a hard sense of effort. Like last night, I seemed to lose the energy to not out loud. For the last 20 minutes or so the most I could summon the energy for was silent rising and falling, while awareness was wide, and thing got clearer and more calm. There were still some worries and striving floating through, but it seemed easier to notice them in that wider space. After a while I actually started to feel good all over in a mild way, tried to see what that was made of as well.
I had this thought of 'finally a place to rest. This is so great' - I know better and noticed that thought too but afterwards I am glad for even that small bit of peace. Its been a while since I have felt anything comparable.

Anyone else out there - is it true that it may be helpful to allow awareness to expand as wide as it feels natural in the various nanas?

Could it be true that from 1-4 nana one should have a smaller region of focus for the noting while the DN should be almost the whole skin boundary, with 11 going to panoramic? I think I have been trying to force a smaller focus the whole time.

edit - wow. Getting kind of harsh afterwards... I have to go out of town this weekend, will try to keep 2hrs a day up. Feels like I am making progress here but I am considering adding more sitting into the mix.

Sounds like really good practice!
I couldn't comment on expanding or contracting awareness depending on the nana. I've recently been trying to keep it more open myself though, I'd noticed that it had become very tight/narrow. The results have been good, less unpleasant and better able to notice sensations. Personally I use what feels natural as my guide at all times, which can be difficult when I think I'm supposed to be experiening something in particular(nana/jhana stuff). For me it's been a lot about trusting that this stuff will do what it wants, and needs to, I just have to practice well and watch the show.

Back.

Observations from the weekend -
I think I am going to revise my map stuff a bit to match my experience better.

First, I dont think anymore that I am hitting the 11th nana - I'm pretty sure now that what is happening when I get peace/calm/expansiveness is that I am solidifying an open awareness or just hanging around the 4th nana. My old practice was always towards open awareness so I think sometimes its natural for me to shift to that kind of state....

Secondly, something shifted in the last three days. I suspect that for a long time my cutting edge has been a very complex and long-winded fear nana, because now what I notice is that at the end of the day my last sitting period is ending up in a mode where tensions in the body suddenly are flavored differently than 'normal' for me - they feel like sickness or nausea now. I remember feeling that on rare occasions before, but the *norm* for me for a looong time has been that they always feel like anxiety, flavor of being scared of one thing or another. My 3C's tension I think is similar, but with more of a flavor of resistance, of not wanting the experience of life to contain unpleasantness. Now I am noticing that when I move past the resistance stage there is a nice period which might be a smooth, less eventful 4th which often seems to have 'unitive' experiences now. I havent been able to feel the shifts clearly 5th-6th but now ending the day with having tension in the body being flavored like sickness would seem to indicate being in the 7th. I think part of my confusion is that my 3C's stuff may feel discordant like the 10th and have lots of resistance, but I dont think what follows it is the 11th. There is also a chance that some confusion could arise from sub-nanas and whatnot that would be more easy to get lost in a daily practice than on retreat.

I like to evaluate this stuff every so often because if I am not making at least slow progress then I need to change things up or sit more.. I will try to hit 2-3 hours now a day for a while and watch what happens.

Last observation from the weekend was that I came real close to first Jhana while trying to fall asleep Saturday night. The key was being relaxed, inclining the mind towards pleasurable feelings while simultaneously trying to hold onto a continuous feeling of the breathing in the mouth - its that continuity I think that does the trick, not losing it when it shifts from in to out, or in between. I noticed that I was in a state where fear wasn't really possible, as if some portions of the brain's reactive system had been suppressed. I think knowing the three things I had to do to get there should be helpful - even if I just play with it during the day and not on the cushion.

edit - I also may be totally wrong about the maps here, due to inclining the mind one way or another. I may have gone up to 11th sometimes but where I get normally in a day is another matter I think.

did an hour this AM, mostly silent, some striving thoughts, lots of hearing, seeing, and tingling. A few 'can'ting thoughts' and self judgements thrown in. Did a sweep of 2nd foundation once or twice as well.

I'm curious about your experiences with Jhana and falling asleep. I've not heard anyone else mention this, but I've noticed for a long time in my Jhana practice that the entry and exit from sleep is somehow significant for me. If I try to attain Jhana, and I drift into sleepiness, sometimes the Jhana sensations arise by themselves when my mind stops trying to stay focused. I've also had a number of times where I've woken up during a meditation session in hard Jhana, and as I wake completely, it goes away.

Hmm - I havent noticed that kind of thing happening but I do notice, Saturday night for example, my dreams were very vivid, I kept falling asleep and waking up again, and had a very vivid lucid dream where it was clear my mind was creating the dream and after I got bored decided to wake up, which was very easy to do. The only time I have ever been in 'hard' jhana was as part of obvious A&P experiences, preceded by masive tension/aversion in various parts of the body, usually chest/neck/head...which I take as 3C's. Maybe.

55 min mostly out loud noting. Rising, falling, hearing, seeing, kept noting a subtle undercurrent of striving, struggling to achieve something thoughts, then noting images of a self that attach to sensations in the body - first sensation is noticed, then an image of a 'me' takes its place - not much in the way of contractions in the body, some at first but body fairly calm. Had both moments of 'thoughts are not me' and 'body is not me' - no wild tensions like yesterday. Some pleasurable pushing out in the head, some tension moving up the neck, this time the spine and not the surface like normal, moving up and into the center of the head. More of a hot/tingly neutral tension than a jarring, painful, aversion-prone tension, which is what I had yesterday for a while.

Tried some spinal breathing technique (intuition telling me its important) - I started feeling like the energy in my body was fighting itself again, jarring, mind starting to feel disjointed and 'spurting' random thoughts - the spinal breathing worked wonders for some reason. All I had to do was a few rounds up and down the spine, maybe 7 or 8 at most, and the energy seems more directable, and oddly experience felt deeper, more direct. This will be an interesting experiment to add to the mix.

I apologize if this has been covered here, but what is spinal breathing?

I will find the link later - got it from antero's first log.

55 min noting silent this morning.
Sankharas for breakfast.

rising and falling, keeping a more continuous attn, noticed a mind loop of images of being a victim, images of being disliked, lowest of the low, etc - no idea where this stuff comes from. Noted it, over and over, going back to the rising and falling. once or twice noted irritation at thoughts, wishing to be free of this stuff, but for the most part the mental loop was held away from me a bit, with some space and less aversion/reaction to it than I can remember ever having. More rising and falling, some heavyness, tiredness, and the bell.

If I'm understanding correctly, spinal breathing is when you visualize the breath flowing in through the crown chakra, down the spinal column (aka sushumna) and out through the base chakra, or through the feet. I'd call it "polarization" but my experience with it involves also visualizing a warm, golden light on the inhale and a cool, bluish light on the exhale. Check out "Chakra & Kundalini Workbook" by Dr. John Mumford.

www.aypsite.org/41.html

I'm doing it more this way, actually feeling into the spine starting at the root and up into the head, then back down sometimes. Thats an interesting description though Tommy - I may try that as well. I'm not using any visualizations or anything. What I find is that when I try to feel up the spine there are spots in the spine that bring up emotion, just like feeling into chakras can do sometimes, and I have noticed in the past that there are places I can't feel into neare the spine at the neck where somehow feeling into that spot makes experiencing more clear and seems to lessen aversion. Odd but thats what I've noticed.

lots of pulsing tension in the body after the sit this morning, still happening. I have noticed though that I can stay with the sensations easier and easier, I think I am slowly disembedding from the stuff, whether its just 'stuff', or 3C's or 10th, either way. Just glad to be able to open to it more than I used to, since it seems to be around for the long haul, or has been, anyway.

I had a memory pop into my head again this weekend, of sitting when I was 17 years old, for several months for 30-45 minutes a day - I can recall having some very vivid experiences of seeing trees and whatnot with clarity and seeing some kind of shimmering around everything, doing alot of self-inquiry, and then hitting a wall of fear, having panic attacks on the cushion and stopping my practice.

"... remembering though, remembering thought"

irritation, amusement, self judgement, tingling


55 minutes noting at lunch, most out loud but shifted to silent some near the end.

Rising and falling the main object but took trips around the body and mind, did another 2nd F sweep.
Started with some pulsing tension/tingling/unpleasant in the head, quivering/shaking, rising, falling.
The mind seemed unreasonably strong, almost too much so, enough to note commenting, evaluating - things got calmer over time, the level of thoughts seen started to get more subtle, images of a self, fragments, tingling all over the body but not rushing like it sometimes does, tone mostly neutral to pleasant with a few odd unpleasant tensions that would come and go with certain thoughts like striving, self judgement, failure images, etc. Some mildly intense pleasant tingling in a spot in the back of the neck that usually has unpleasant sensations in it. Got caught in a few trains, noted 'daydream' once or twice or wandering. Also noticed at one point at the bottom of the outbreath - the intent to start breathing in, and for a few seconds that seemed like a looong time it felt like I forgot how to breathe.

hmm - I found this very helpful:

here-and-now.org/VSI/Articles/TheoryMed/theoryIcky.htm

30 minutes before yoga - started out loud, after my usual drive home note-fest which i never put in the journal, but it happens twice a day for ~20 minutes.
Started with some small tensions, but noted calm afew times, some tensions, irritations, tingles, aversion, but things kept getting calmer anyway, noted peace, then saw the mind was still very strong so shifted the last ten minutes to shamatha , breath in mouth. Following it, especially the shift from in/out, immediately excitement arises, but it was gross, not too intense but somewhat jarring. After a few minutes of this decided to see if I could walk myself up, *may* have made it to a weak two and then three where it was like the breath was there but the middle of the sensation area was blurred or something, although I could feel the perimeter of the breath, then got lost looking for 4th, willed myself back to whatever that sorta 3rd things was, back down to 2 and 1. Rekindled 1, then shifted to the pleasant sensations, which seemed to work, and they spread, but got more subtle and refined, vibrations of a higher frequency, then very very clear experiencing of the whole body in this subtle pleasantness which faded out and I found myself just plainly here, feeling normal but cleared out a bit. Ding.

-Good idea I think to remember when the mind seems uber strong work on concentration ;p

55 minutes noting at lunch -
tiredness, rising, falling, hearing, seeing, thoughts of striving, some daydreams, desire to drift, desire to be special, desire to achive, some planning thoughts, some small tensions in the body but mostly tingling, energy, and the tones were mostly pleasant, neutral. A few aversion thoughts but very light - some tensions I am used to feeling but now without the aversion. Able to feel it without as much reaction for some reason. Some drifting noted, tiredness, space, images of self, thoughts of being an observer, and near the end noting this undercurrent of trying to fix, trying to change, noting and releasing somewhat, leading to rushing tingles through the body but mostly the head, noting tingles - very intense tingles filling the space in the head. and the skin, for a few seconds.

this afternoon I had a 'piti attack' started while driving home and I pulled into the store parking lot to try to be with it for a while. Even a small amount of effort to be aware produced pleasure, although it didnt feel to me like concentration was all that sharp.

did ~75 minutes maybe when I got home, half concentration when the piti wore off, energy had moved up to the crown and was very active but then fizzled. After that something shifted and I felt like smoe negative/unpleasantness was back, down in the stomach. Then some silent noting - lazy mindstates, drifting, the mind felt energetic but somehow wasn't in the mood to cooperate, noted some resistance. Lots of tension near the end of the sit, able to see the sensations and the aversion split apart somewhat more than I remember.

Noting out loud rocks.

55 minutes this AM out loud. Sankharas for breakfast.

Rising, falling, seeing, hearing, pleasant/unplesant sweeps and noting almost every thought passing through - some striving, one or two daydreams, tiredness, desire for rest, resistance, whining, complaining.. Very subtle in some cases reactions in the body, and the thoughts were hard to see as well, not fully formed or very quick, nonverbal. There was one in particular which I recognized as being one of my repeaters that I havent seen clearly yet, it kept coming up and each time I noted it and tried to see it more clearly - eventually what I saw was an image of a person's face, with some vague idea of being sad for being judged or not measuring up - a very quick and subtle, compact, repeating sensory thought that has been down there for a long time. Noted 'self congratulation' after I saw that a few times and had energy rush/tingles/release. Also noted a repeating vague sense of the present moment not being good enough, a desire to shift it or change it in some way to something else, like being more aware, or being happier. Body was mostly calm during this sit, some tingling, some contraction, but I had to really look for the body's reaction to some of the thoughts, notice small tensions, contractions. Had a few stronger contractions in the stomach but only a few times did any clear aversion arise and it was noted, as aversion, or whining, or complaining. Most of the aversion was at the beginning.

Sounds like a powerful practise! Eager to hear more...