recording and learning

The last full day and morning I became a noting machine - I noted and noted and noted until I couldnt note anymore, and then noted that as well. I very clearly got up to some level of equanimity. I was amazed at how there were chains of thoughts causing suffering that I was able to see more clearly for the first time, how a thought would arise, which would have its own associated sensation in then body, then a second thought judging the first one, with its own sensation - that second thought in many forms was one that previously I hadn't seen into clearly, and it was clear to me how silly it was to judge a thought after it had come and gone already.... Thoughts became less sticky for a while and everything was OK, no matter what - at some point it became hard to even see what was happening in the mind. I would note a thought and before I could see what it was it had popped, then there would be a thought of irritation at not being able to catch the bugger, and then that thought would pop as well, the whole thing just being OK, in a deep way that I don't remember experiencing before...

At some point after this I was doing a walking meditation and I started to notice that the visual sense was doing something funny I hadnt noticed before - I began to sense that there was some discontinuity there that somehow the mind was covering up, filling in the gaps for. I couldnt quite catch it, but it weirded me out, thoughts like "wtf does THAT mean??"

cont...

I had some experiences of what Vipassana really is, where I would look at a spot in the body, some pain, and it would desolidify, turning into a tremendously detailed mix of sensations, vibrations intertwining, energy moving and bouncing around, thoughts like 'thats soooo *cool*!' - iI have been used to experiencing emotions as vibrations or contractions but that was a level of detail I dont think I had ever seen in the body - inside my ankle for a second I swear there were 10-20 different sensations interacting. No room to get bored there!

The noting was hard on my brain - I got more tired than I can remember being before, even the next morning after doing the first full day of noting- I had noted at least 90% of the day from waking to sleep, and the brain really wasn't used to that level of work. I barely made it back to my room without running into a wall or falling over it seemed.

I sat in my car during a break afterwards and realized that I had gotten closer than ever before, mind trip I know but I thought back to the years of being in dark night, remembering whole days or even weeks of having the most unpleasant energy in my body, with no cause, remembering a few years back walking around with the worst of it thinking 'what if its always this way? How do I live like this?' - I brought myself to tears knowing that the cycle will soon be completed, that all I have to do is continue noting in this way as much as I can, wearing out the path from my lowest to my highest, until eventually it completes itself.

did 90 minutes noting yesterday (Sunday) - as well as during the day on walks, etc. I dont remember much of the detail now but during the end of the noting on the cushion I was noting thinking and for a second saw clearly the illusion (same as a dream) aspect of the image of 'self' - and there was this sudden spontaneous dropping or falling into something unknown feeling, but another thought came in and pulled me back up... I noticed after the sit that I was very irritable, and started investigating it and it turned out to be some sort of tension in the hara that was feeding it - keeping awareness on this spot seemed to prevent the mind from interpreting it as emotion, instead noting as 'contraction', 'pains'- so at least I wasn't grumpy with the GF...

55 minutes noting at lunch..
rising and falling of the breath, noted a daydream or two, did some out loud for a bit, noted lots of thoughts 'image of a self failing' 'image of a self not good enough' - contraction, tension in stomach area, higher than the contraction last night with the irritability and anger... Then the contraction moved up into the heart (center of breastbone right above bottom of breastbone), and the repeated thoughts took on a different tone, one of not being loved, etc... Contraction, tension in the heart....

Really this 'stuff' takes on a totally different tone when I see over and over that there is some cycle occuring, I am seeing this more and more clearly, where I'll be in some sort of loop and I can find the spot associated with the looping, it seems to be a contraction of sorts that moves from the chakra below the navel, up to the stomach, the heart, then up to the neck and lower head (where it is very very unpleasant and all the thinking is aversion), until some moment of surrender, merging with the sensations for a bit and then moving back into some sort of equanimity, thoughts back to 'normal', and able to see what is going on a bit more clearly - often then it moves to then crown, can be very strong, and either terminates in a non-event, or sometimes a PCE which has happened a few times also... Weird.

kind of like going from 10th to low 11? I dont think I ever *really* get to 11 except for the retreat last week where it was very clearly the 11th for a while, with some aspect of teflon mind and super OKness going on..

I'm starting to take a kind of adventurous attitude here, 'what will today bring up?'

Taking a day off in a week or so to do an all-day notefest. I sense that the more I do at this point the better off I will be, although it feels to me like I wont push my high edge without a major effort at continous practice.

35 minutes noting - having all kinds of unpleasant stuff going on, decided to do doubles and try triples, seeing how important it is to include my reaction (pleasant,unpleasant,neutral) when looking at the sensation - if they are repeatedly seen over and over as two things eventually the mind will map them as two and it will be clearer to see the chain of causality for suffering.. Heck it seemed to make a big difference just during the sit. Changing some laundry out and going to note a few more minutes if life allows...

snuck in another half hour of noting, almost identical to the last in terms of experience...

As I fell asleep last night I was feeling the chaotic sensations, noticing a pulsing 4-6 Hz all over the head area, with different sections inside the head pulsing out of phase with each other - I'm glad I was able to stay with the experience instead of find a way to distract myself which is the metal impulse that comes up in that mode...

In the middle of the night I woke up a few times feeling some sort of bliss and happyness - then this morning I notice I feel more solid somehow, and the mind more willing to practice, discordance gone for now. Maybe I slipped back down to the beginning? Guess I will see how the day goes. Doesnt matter of course just that I find this stuff interesting on a fundamental level - when I start investigating what state I am in and realize I have been there before, and notice patterns and cycles it seems to make the whole thing less about a 'me' and more about a process that I dont have much control over. Curious eh?

60 minutes noting at lunch: had done noting a bit over the morning with some direct mode right before the sit

rising, falling, contraction, thought of achievemwnt, self judgement, rising, falling, self doubt, contraction/unpleasant, etc - some doubles in there, mostly mind/body. Settled in and felt very calm after the first few minutes, got so calm the noting started to get lazy so I sped up the noting to 1.5/sec or so and that seemed to help keep the mind busy enough to prevent the space out.. twice got thrown into daydreams for a minute, calm, noting pleasant sensations in different areas of the body, with sudden unpleasantness as thoughts of 'not being good enough' or 'am i doing this right' creep in.

"60 minutes noting at lunch: had done noting a bit over the morning with some direct mode right before the sit

rising, falling, contraction, thought of achievemwnt, self judgement, rising, falling, self doubt, contraction/unpleasant, etc - some doubles in there, mostly mind/body. Settled in and felt very calm after the first few minutes, got so calm the noting started to get lazy so I sped up the noting to 1.5/sec or so and that seemed to help keep the mind busy enough to prevent the space out.. twice got thrown into daydreams for a minute, calm, noting pleasant sensations in different areas of the body, with sudden unpleasantness as thoughts of 'not being good enough' or 'am i doing this right' creep in."

This is a very good report! No judgements, no stories or speculation. "Just the facts, ma'am," as they used to say in the old Dragnet television series. More like this please!

The tendency to live in our stories is exactly the problem. This second-hand life is the very essence of un-enlightenment. To wrestle the attention away from this narrative, to experience this moment just as it is, without having to comment on it one way or another is both the means to and the reality of awakeness.

Thanks -
I am wrestling again with remembering those close to PCE experiences I had recently, and there is some part of me that feels very strongly that somehow that is the key to this whole thing - the pull to the perfection of the present moment without judgements is very strong, but my ego wants to *gain* something, like stream entry - it doesnt want to be happy to be here, it wants to be special in some way. My desire to get something is now conflicting with what I know to be true about real happyness - and it seems that the desire to get somewhere drives the noting practice. I need to let some of this stuff bubble around and see how I really feel about all of this - 3rd gear seems to draw me in, but a part of me doesnt want to give up my stuff!

I know exactly what you mean. But the irony of it is that the only way to make progress toward stream entry *is* to be present in this moment, relatively undistracted by the commentary. Wanting stream entry has no value unless it becomes the motivation to stay *here* moment by moment. You can feel confident that stream entry will come if you can just keep returning to this moment, noticing the commentary, letting it be, and returning again to this moment. Frustrating at first, yes, but the momentum does build and the road just keeps unwinding beneath your feet. Keep on keepin' on!

Sorry to drop in, but I saw Kenneth's comment and wanted to say: You can do it, look at the number of people on here who've been where you are right now and understand exactly what you're saying. Practice well, get the momentum going and you're on y'er way!

Good luck mate, all the very best.

Thx - Its always been for *this*. I may shift gears all over the place but the real goal for me has to be here, where its always been. Whatever happens will happen. I need to also allow myself to shift gears and not feel like I am quitting or something - its all for the same thing. Its like I get noting for a while and realize I am unbalanced and need to shift back to 3rd, which somehow I have learned to do without using 2nd...

heh - looks like I get to learn everything the hard way... Due to the experiences I had I really want to move in the direction of those experiences of more direct perception, *however* it seems reobservation has taken hold and I may not be able to go there. Sheesh.

55 minutes today of 3rd gear, trying to have a more direct experience of life, instead turned into a ball of anxiety and aversion, multiple feelings of grief/sorrow all at once, hands shaking almost.. Heh... Hardway - thats my name! I may have no choice but to finish this gig the old fashioned way and consider AF the '5th path' - by the way AF is *not* new. One of my old teachers taught it, quite obviously trying to have her students acheive PCE's without calling it that of course...

half hour of ping pong noting with the GF last night- first time.

rising, falling, hearing, seeing, contraction, aversion, desire for escape,

noting a repeated image of a me like a child throwing a tantrum or trying to get away.

will be noting throughout the day...

Keep it at--you're doing great.
Fantastic reports!

Thanks - noting on and off since I got up, coming back to the hara and noting identities as they arise, during yoga in the morning..
Identities seen: failure identity, striving person identity, fear of failure mindset, anger/judgment mindset and bodily sensations, images of a me doing the practice, rising and falling, step, step...

55 min noting at lunch, many fearful thoughts, there was a dual frequency I noticed, about a 4-5Hz in different spots like the head and stomach, with about a 20?hz backgroud vibration - the two were superimposed on each other. focused on breathing for a few minutes before moving around

rising, falling, vibrations, vibrations, thoughts about frequency, vibrations, rising, falling, hearing, dharma thoughts, self judgement, rising, falling, images of despair, fearful thoughts, aversion, rising, falling...

got smoother and saw the mind more clearly as mind, not 'me' as it wore on but thinking was then too rapid to note every thought, just a few of them, then noted thoughts of being the 'one who is aware' and shifted to a more direct perception while still noting, then thoughts of self-congratulation, then back to rising, falling, hearing, hearing as the timer gong rang twice.

90 minutes - started staying on the breathing in the stomach, noting calm, got calmer and calmer, thoughts got faster, harder to see, it became much easier to rest in a wider awareness while noting, then got mired in almost a pleasant fog, noted it, had to go back to just the breath for a while to keep from drifting, noting mostly mind/body, thoughts very fast it seemed, less sticky than usual, noted a thought 'when will that damn bell ring' and a few minutes later it rang.

55 minutes noting this morning -
Rising, Falling, Daydream, Rising, Falling, noting peace, noting calm,
noting desire to think 'bad' thoughts, noting desire for fear, noting desire for anxiety,
noting thought 'Wheres my stuff?', Rising, Falling, Tingling, Pressure, Hearing, Noting mind looking for a 'problem' to get mired in, self judgement, rising, falling, more of this until the bell.

58 min noting at lunch -

started with just rising/falling for 10 minutes, branching out to tingling, pressure, hearing, seeing,
noting tingling/pleasant, breathing/pleasant, noting attachment to calm. noting attachment to pleasantness, noting lazy resistance,
more rising/falling, tingling, many sensations in right lower leg, noting thought of trying to get rid of ego thought, self judgement, more rising/falling, hearing, hearing as the bell rang twice.

hmm - this ships in the harbor thing is interesting.. Seems to work well... I see it can be done also for one sense field at a time, which may not be as useful, such as 'looking for seeing itself' or some such.. But trying to listen for something not there really can bring one to a open space, clearer space.. I should try noting this way... I wonder if thats kind of like doing noting from a weak 4th Jhana? I'm also curious if it effects the maps at all to note that way?

"But trying to listen for something not there really can bring one to a open space, clearer space.. I should try noting this way... I wonder if thats kind of like doing noting from a weak 4th Jhana? I'm also curious if it effects the maps at all to note that way?" -WSH3

Try it without any preconceptions at all, W, and see how you like it. It's best to stand outside of everything you know and just let it take you where it will. You don't have to worry about maps or progress when practicing Mahamudra because each moment of turning toward the unborn buddha mind is a moment of pure awakeness.

ok - thanks.

30x3 noting yesterday, with some extra thrown in, I can't remember much, didnt have time to log it earlier... Today the GF is gone all day so it will give me a chance to go deep, maybe 4+ hours.