Laurel's practice

I haven't posted for almost a week, but I've been meditating every day. Last evening: 45 mins., pretty active, lots of kriyas, prickly stuff. This morning I woke up early after a nightmare in which I was walking along a street somewhere nice, maybe Italy, with my husband, at twilight, not too many people around, looking at beautiful shops, suddenly hit with a premonition of his death, feeling desolate, abandoned, fearful that everyone I love will die and I will be left alone. Stayed with these feelings for a few minutes before getting up, then sat for 45 mins., did walking meditation for another 20, then yoga.

The sit was hard to settle into, but eventually got gentle vibrations that turned more and more prickly, then some itches then some more shaking, which got progressively more intense as the time wore on. I was glad to get up and walk when the timer went off. My mind had a tendency to get lost in content while walking, which I would observe, then try to turn attention to the sensations of the bottoms of the feet on the floor. I got further distracted during yoga practice.

I seem to be feeling anger lately, wanting to tell various people off, people who've offended or disappointed me in some way. The other mental activity that's attracting me is planning. I'm at that point where one semester is ending and I'm focused on the future, thinking that if I somehow plan things right I'll be happier, more successful. This is all very old.

40 mins. yesterday evening, interrupted by a telemarketer (I didn't talk, but had to check the phone). Somewhat wandering, noting, then prickly stuff, some mild shaking, then itching. Ho-hum. I ended when my son coming home earlier than expected.

45 mins. this morning, different story. Started with 3x10 breath counting, distracted for most of that (typical these days), then switched to noting, beginning with sounds, thoughts, itches, aches here and there, anxious tension in the abdomen. This continued for an indeterminate length of time until I started gently vibrating, experienced "slippery mind," somewhat vague thoughts that kept cycling in and out. I thought, "I'm in equanimity!" and let it unroll. Very mellow, some mild restlessness from time to time (are we there yet?). Wondering about the thoughts, which were pervasive but not particularly gripping in any way. Some anxiety still there, but not bothersome. Succombed from time to time to projecting thoughts, wondering whether this meant I was done with the dukkhas or would have to go through more of them, or if stream entry was close. Did mostly open awareness through this stage, with occasional noting if I thought the distractions were too strong.

Hi Laurel,

This may be a superfluous reminder at this point, but I just wanted to say, as reinforcement / encouragement:

Stream-entry is a momentary and instantaneous experience. That is to say, the right conditions only have to line up in one, infinitesimally-short moment. Technically, it's absolutely fine if in every other moment prior to it, you were anxious, projecting, wanting, planning, etc.

I say that because, speaking for myself, I'm very familiar with the feeling like you have to solve every problem, and be all mentally cleaned up before you can "earn" something like stream-entry, or else, that you have to have rock-solid, sustainable equanimity in which you're always 100% confident.

You don't. You just have to set up the conditions (all of which you've already fulfilled separately at various times) and then, when they happen to sync up, ta-da.

So- have faith, and treat yourself kindly when you can

That is excellent advice in my book!

Thanks Rob--I just hope I'm setting up those conditions. Last evening I meditated for 45 minutes. At the beginning I was plagued by grotesque fantasies of being shut up in a coffin (sorry, but that's what was in my head), then feeling the horror of it, worthy of H.P. Lovecraft, then actually saying out loud, "Laurel!" to get myself to cut it out, then back at it again, wondering whether I could ever willingly subject myself to something like that (to save my son?), just God-awful stuff, horrifying and stupid (yes we're being judgmental here) and finally it slipped away, and I slipped into something like equanimity, with gentle vibrations and a pulsing feeling of spaciousness. This continued until the timer went off.

This morning, 50 minutes. Got into equanimity (although I have no sense of going through the various earlier stages to get there, even though it took a little while and stuff happened that I can't describe too well). It was nice. I noticed at a certain point that my throat was dry and I was thirsty, but I didn't feel like reaching out for the water glass next to me because I didn't want to break out of the state I was in even for a moment. There were random itches and aches, but none of it bothered me at all.

Did some yoga after that, felt grounded and centered, all that good stuff. But towards the end I began kvetching to myself about all the people I'm annoyed with, wishing I could tell them off--again, kind of stupid, really. Then I went upstairs and made some breakfast, spilled milk on the floor, spilled coffee on the counter, and to top it off spilled coffee again all over the table. I don't quite get what that was all about; I normally am not even remotely so clumsy. Probably it doesn't have anything to do with anything.

It's really normal to have death-themed imagery, especially when we are at "letting go" points in our practice. One teacher told me once that it's as if the ego's main job is to take any scenario of change and go: "if anything changes, it might be scary, in fact, you might even die!!! so don't change!" It's just a natural thing. If you can laugh at yourself a bit, that can help! Imagination is a powerful thing, but what silly stories it conjures up! You are bigger than that, and the power of those stories is broken if you can gather a little courage and say "Ha, you are trying to scare me, but I won't fall for it! Nice try, Mara! Giving me a coffin? Fine, I'm going to decorate it with Christmas lights and put in a jacuzzi. Ha!" Hang in there!

Actually, I did say something like, "Mara, you're messing with me!" Thanks.

Had a lesson with Beth yesterday, who told me two things. The first is to make an effort not to get absorbed in narratives about myself, like getting mad at people and wanting to tell them off, or thinking about my sick nightmarish fantasies and wondering about their origin, etc., etc. That's actually a huge relief. When I sense one of these papanchas coming down the pike I will just note it and move on, rather than running with it. The second thing is to inject more energy into the noting to get to my edge in practice. A couple of times lately I've gotten stranded in 3-C's with the monster itches, not a pleasant place to be but more to the point not my edge. Also, when I get to equanimity and I start spacing out with slippery mind type thought loops make an effort to see these thoughts more precisely and let them go, not get lost in them. So I've been doing that.

Yesterday evening, about 35 minutes, got to eq but was genuinely sleep-deprived, so my head literally kept nodding with sleepy-time dreaminess. There are times when a person just needs sleep! This morning, 45 mins, got out of bed after I realized the anxious thoughts were going to keep on streaming, used a mixture of out-loud and silent noting (Beth recommended out-loud noting). When I started to drift I'd do the out-loud noting, when I felt that was getting in the way of observing phenomena I'd revert to silent noting, then back again. Took a bit of fine-tuning. Got to eq, worked at keeping up with things rather than drifting. When the absorption got stronger was able to drop the noting from time to time and just be in the moment. Timer went off, kept going for another 5 to 10 minutes.

Have been sitting through the holiday weekend, and am mentally preparing to go on retreat Tuesday. Sits have been variable. Quite a lot of problems staying awake and alert; last evening I actually gave up after about 20 minutes. Both this morning and this afternoon did 45 minutes; got to eq. each time. This afternoon it seemed to take awhile. Unlike some people here who can observe themselves going through the nanas one by one, I often just seem to sit and note, mostly "hearing" the ear-ringing and "itching," some "pressure" and then "tension" in the midsection, which is how I note the physical sensation of anxiety. Then I'll note "thinking," sometimes specifying (planning thought, anticipatory thought, doubting thought, memory, visual thought, etc.). I mix all of this up as I go along, throwing in an occasional "pleasant," "unpleasant," or "neutral" when it seems appropriate. Then after awhile I'll notice the vibrations settle in, and the more dreamlike thought loops, which I am trying to note as soon as I can. I think I can tell when these cross the line into an actual dream state brought on by the need to sleep.

My insomnia continues to interfere with life, but I'm not creating a drama around it. But it's the reason for the sleep deprivation; I'm not deliberately short-changing myself on sleep. I've had the problem off and on for years.

I am keeping up my awareness of the Three Characteristics during the day. Other interesting points: in one sit a couple of nights ago, I experienced my body as if it were transparent; there were sensations at discrete points here and there, but nothing solid holding them together as a unity. In another sit, I did manage to experience the insight path step by step, but lost the thread after a very mild a&p going into fear.

I'm back from retreat. It was a wonderful time, a non-residential retreat up in a Buddhist center in Minneapolis. I stayed in a neighboring house, where one of the residents was also at the retreat, so we teamed up and went together. We had noble silence from 8:00 until 9:15 and interacted normally the rest of the time, although we didn't do a lot of extraneous talking. It was in many ways easier than residential retreats with round-the-clock silence. I stayed away from books and media.

I feel that I made significant progress in equanimity, and am happy with the way things went. A part of me was hankering after a big breakthrough, but I am beginning to realize that what I need to do is focus on each passing moment and not get caught up in thinking about the future.

Actually, though, the most notable points in the four days were two dreams I had, one night after another. First I had a variant on the coffin dream and woke up in absolute horror, spending the next half hour fantasizing about one form of appallingly violent torture and death after another before finally falling asleep again. Trying to tell Mara where to get off did nothing to stop the panic. The following night I set a resolve that there would be no more horror shows; I almost made it, but just before waking at 6:00 I had a dream in which I was embroiled in a sexual scandal that would mean disgrace, a public lawsuit, shame, and job loss with my family out on the street. Once I got fully awake I thought, oh great, that was entertaining.

The other high point was my talk with the teacher, who was very supportive and encouraging. He suggested I do some metta practice as I fall asleep at night, after making the resolve. He is also the guiding teacher for the sangha in my home town; it's good to have his support after some of the disappointing interactions I've had there.

Have been doing at least 2 sessions of 45 minutes per day. Tried a jhana session last night, mindfulness of breathing, took a long time to settle in, then did metta after getting into bed. No real nightmares, but a lot of dreams about the retreat or about meditation, anxious dreams. Longing in some way for my old life back, knowing I can't really have it back. But the hindrance of doubt keeps cropping up, in and out of practice. I also have anxious worries about my phobias, wondering for example when I'm going to feel safe enough to drive again more than just around town. For example, there's a half-day retreat on Saturday, but I don't feel secure enough to drive up there and back. I've been doing EMDR therapy locally but we're really just getting started. I've talked with the therapist quite a bit about my meditation practice and she is fascinated.

It feels weird trying to talk to people about it; I'm not able to do it very much with anyone. Those few people in my life who hear about it, even my local teacher, see me as really advanced. Then I come on here and feel like a complete novice. There's a bit of disorientation in that. The teacher at the retreat told me I am "gifted" in this practice. I have been more of the opinion that anyone practicing these powerful techniques would have more or less similar results to show for it, but then again, maybe the people on this forum are a self-selected group of highly dedicated practitioners, and hardly representative of what the population at large could achieve. Not sure where this speculation is leading or what difference it makes, but it's been distracting me.

Sits have been difficult since getting back, even though I get to some level of equanimity most of the time (I suspect it's low eq). I find a lot of restlessness creeping in as the sitting wears on, wanting the timer to go off, wanting to get up and do something else.

(cont.) I've been working on mindfulness during the day as well. But back to my sits: in the anapanasati session last night I experienced monster itches coming up about halfway in, which made me wonder whether I was doing some sort of vipassana in spite of myself. They eventually subsided, but it took awhile and was downright annoying.

I've also had at least one session in the past few days in which I've experienced significant kriyas again. This morning's sit started with lots of thinking, itching, and then eventually settled into an alternation between dreaminess and mild vibrations. I think, though, that since the retreat I've lost my habit of out-loud noting (which I know is effective, but which feels unnatural to me). I'm going back to it.

Great reports, Laurel. For what it's worth, the nightmarish fantasies you refer to are familiar to me as well.
When I was a college student, a particularly horrific, recurring one of these was at least part of my motivation to meditate--I wanted to have some way of escape should something this awful ever become a reality.
Sometimes I watch the Brian Greene cosmological physics shows with my kids. There's this idea floating around now that if the universe is truly infinite, and matter can only be assembled in finite patterns, then everything you can imagine, any way that matter can be assembled, is actually happening, with whole Earths and each of us repeated and repeated in all of these infinite variations out there in the cosmos. I used to see the idea of an infinite universe as inspiring and awesome. Now it just seems completely terrifying--it's like I'm focused on the dark part of the yin and yang circle and don't even care about the other half, the infinitely blissful and good side that would have to be part of the equation as well. Where does this come from? I dunno. Anyway, I'm rambling, methinks.

Well, Joel, I agree with you in hoping that's not true, because otherwise there's a universe in which I've been buried alive, as well as a whole lot of other stuff! I do look to this practice as a way of easing my fears; for now, though, the creepy feeling continues. I had surgery on my left hand Wed. morning to treat my arthritis. I've known about this for months, but had no clue what the fallout would be like. I did some noting Wed before the procedure, but since then have been a mess, suspended between miserable pain and complete dopiness from the drugs. I finally managed to put in 30 mins sitting practice this morning, was slogging along until I got to some mild kriyas. I'm looking to do 30 minutes twice a day for awhile, and gradually increase my mindfulness during the day.

Having my left hand be useless and in pain has been uncanny. I know loads of people go through this, but it's actually kind of traumatic. There's a sense of impairment, of being out of control, having to rely on others, realizing how fragile my sense of well-being actually is. I'm disoriented and I want my life back. I'm gradually getting parts of it back bit by bit, but I don't know what the next few weeks are going to be like.

Sorry to hear about your hand. Metta to you. I know how that feels and you can and will push through it!

I'm not so sure! I had a bad time last night, got a real case of acute anxiety over my hand being immobilized, had to get up and walk it off, then did metta practice before falling asleep. I'm not even in a cast yet--they're planning on putting me in one on Friday. The feeling I have now is on the level of claustrophobia; I've had a wretched morning of feeling trapped. I finally googled and found out that there is such a thing as cast claustrophobia, and it seems pretty likely that I've got it. The problem is not a few itches or even immobility; it's the terror of not having any control over it. I can sit through monster itches in meditation and not scratch, but I know I can stop it whenever I want to.

So all I can think is great, just what I need, another phobia. The effect is all-encompassing, a feeling of acute awareness of just how much suffering there is with samsara. It's like Mara's having all kinds of fun with this girl. No more elective surgery for me until after stream entry!

It sounds bad, and I get it. I have terrible anxiety about health related things as well. Ive also been suggested to have some elective surgery as well, and I will take your advice and not do it right now. Your last sentence alone seems to me like through all the crap that you are dealing with you still have your sight on what you have resolved to do and that matters...a lot. Keep at it!!

One comment -- to the extent that we have issues to deal with we also have opportunities to practice with. Yes, pain, anxiety, worry, all that is no fun at all. But facing those things is what we do in our practice. If we use our practice to avoid these things we're missing something profound about the teachings, and the process, of Buddhism. Most of us got into Buddhism and meditation to reduce or eliminate stress and other forms of suffering, only to find out, counter-intuitively, that facing those things is the fastest, cleanest, most effective way to get what we originally wanted.

Food for thought, is all.

Of course you are right, cmarti. I even thought about that during the worst of the panic, but all I could come up with was, how do I surrender to this? Still, I walked and did metta practice during the night. Then this morning I felt overwhelming compassion for all suffering beings, including my husband, who endured months of suicidal depression three years ago. I watched old, infirm people slowly making their way into church and felt a new respect for them. I experienced a deeper level of patience with my aged mother. I began to understand what the Buddha's initial exposure to suffering and death might have been like.

I also wondered whether, if I ever find myself on the other side of this, I will forget, and once more look on other people with a level of indifference. In daily life, we have these moments of dread, but then we patch ourselves up again and act as if nothing happened. I understand that awakening is not like that, but I don't yet understand what it is like. May it be soon, for myself and all beings.

"I also wondered whether, if I ever find myself on the other side of this, I will forget, and once more look on other people with a level of indifference...."

No.You just expressed a wonderful compassion for others. With a deepening of your practice, you will be able to embrace pain, others' and yours, with a full heart and far less fear, because it cannot hurt you and there is no need to build a fortress around your heart to protect yourself anymore, which allows you to be a thousand times more compassionate, patient and loving. Chris has a very good point - life hands us so many wonderful challenges to practice with. Take advantage of this one! You can do it.

Sorry to hear about your hand, Laurel. Here's to a quick recovery!

Thanks, Joel; giragirasol, I know you're right.

I'm beginning to understand the difference between insight on the one hand and just knowing about stuff on the other. Jack Kornfield, in chap 1 of A Path With Heart, advises psychiatrists to meditate so they'll have deeper insight into some of what their patients experience. I am not a psychiatrist, but I am finally getting it. I thought I knew what the hell regions were like; now I do know. And I thought I understood helplessness, but now, being on such a deeply concentrated state coming off the retreat and then going into surgery--probably not a good idea!--I am really getting it.

Most of my meditation practice these days happens at night when I can't sleep. I must have done at least two hours of loving kindness for myself and all beings last night, then about half an hour of anapanasati, but couldn't get really concentrated lying in bed. I do a lot more walking meditation these days. Sat and did noting for about half an hour at around 4:00 this morning. Slept very little. I am hoping to get past this pattern soon.

40 min sit late afternoon, got settled, began noting, sleepiness and dream stuff for awhile. About 25 mins in the phone rang, which had the advantage of waking me up. Resumed noting in earnest, right leg repeatedly would tense up and then release. Mild kriyas, shaking. Focused on hands at one point, noted that the hand encased in the bandage and splint felt exactly the same as the other hand. Didn't make a drama out of this but noted reassurance.

30 min anapanasati last night, took forever to get settled at all but eventually did. Went to bed, maintaining jhana, then did metta practice. Working throughout on cultivating and developing bliss. Felt tingling sensation like fizzy water through the top of my head, eventually fell asleep. Good night overall, no panic or nightmares.

a.m.: about 20 min walking meditation, followed by gentle movement. Am learning how to work more mindfully with walking meditation. Some papanchas going on causing stress, looking to bypass them.

My sleep seems to be stabilizing--halleluia! I had a 40-min noting session last night that about halfway in broke out in kriyas. Seems to be happening a lot lately. They got pretty exaggerated as time went on to the point of discomfort, especially as I had been hoping for the soothing vibrations of equanimity. I haven't had a sit like that (eq) since the surgery. Oh well.