Laurel's practice

Thursday night: couldn't sleep to save my life; had done samatha before going to bed and loving kindness in bed, but then woke up in the middle of the night. Ended up reading. The concentration practice took awhile to settle but eventually did, although the concentration broke up after awhile. I think I was experiencing anxiety about my visit to the doctor yesterday to look at my hand. He was perfectly okay with leaving me in a splint; I was so relieved I cried. Was tempted to feel like an idiot and suppress the tears, but bypassed the inner scold and went with the reaction.

I had had a rotten day Thursday, actually, with a nasty conflict in the department bothering me all day. After awhile, yesterday, I was able to identify what had led to the unhappiness. There was a lot of talking involved and thinking. So finally, last evening, I began wondering about my ability to see the 3 C's in everything. I thought, I can see the first two, but the no-self is eluding me. Then suddenly I went through a list in my mind of the ways I've been self-ing for the past few days, beginning each statement with "I" and then eventually asking, who or what is this "I"? It was a clarifying moment. All the drama dropped away.

This body-mind then went and sat for about an hour, and got equanimity pretty quickly. It was like watching a lot of phenomena rise and pass away in rapid motion without attaching to any of it. There was no desire to move or stop or do anything to change any of it. I noted for awhile but eventually dropped it because things were happening too fast. Eventually I had to get up and say goodnight to my son, then go to bed, where I kept on noting. After the interruption I found that I was back in the 3 C's with itching all over the face, thinking oh great, that's just perfect. Noted diligently for about 45 minutes and then went to sleep.

This morning: 55 minutes of eq. on the cushion, followed by 25 minutes of walking meditation. Am resolved to note as much as possible off cushion today.

I think that's excellent when you can catch that desire to change what's being experienced (ie wanting to cry but the "inner scold" trying to stop it, for example). Who is it who is so busy always wanting to change what's actually going on right now?

Just to note, I have had many periods of sleep disruption during times I was meditating intensively. When getting up and writing wasn't an option, I would either just meditate laying there in bed or I would listen to podcasts with headphones, which didn't disturb others in the house. The downside of that was I now instantly fall asleep any time I put a podcast on.

It seems that whenever I begin to get to something that might be high equanimity, the hindrances lash back at me. This time I had a couple of sessions that were almost like jhanas, they were so peaceful and effortless. Then I got reading some postings over on DhO describing the experience of advanced level yogis and I panicked. It's as if I want all my old stupid stuff back; I am afraid of the unknown, of having no center, whatever. I am trying now to keep my attention fixed on what's directly in front of me. But I had about a day in which I noted off cushion but didn't do too much actual sitting. I just have to make a resolve not to fall for this again.

Last night, had about half an hour, but gave up in disgust before the timer went off. My asthma was driving me nuts and I couldn't quit coughing. Then I had insomnia, got up at about 3:00 and meditated for two hours, beginning with an hour sit, then half an hour walking, than another half hour sit. Was not quite as settled as I have been at my deepest point but got into eq. Off cushion, though, I'm a mess. There's a vexatious situation at work and I'm allowing it to get to me. Right now I'm feeling anxiety and anger. I have taken some action in the situation but have no idea what the fallout will be. My morale is low and I want to do something about it. I feel constrained and frustrated. These thoughts don't dominate my meditation, but they tend to become troublesome in daily life.

Sometimes Shinzen Young's Focus Positive can give me a lift when I am having to deal with a lot of interpersonal stuff: www.shinzen.org/Retreat%20Reading/Focus%...Positive-Summary.pdf

Thanks for the tip. I've printed out a copy and will keep it on hand for easy reference.

Half hour last night, 40 minutes this morning. In both cases reached low eq., mild vibrations, slippery mind. This morning I took a long time getting settled b/c my asthma was acting up and I kept coughing. Eventually reset the timer and everything was fine.

Today: keeping up the momentum with mindfulness. I have begun to see this as a default way of being. I don't actually do a lot of noting, although I do some, but I am disembedding from the thought loops and the dwelling in the past or future. I note when I find myself reverting to those things. The challenge is keeping at it when I am actually working.

"Off cushion, though, I'm a mess. There's a vexatious situation at work and I'm allowing it to get to me. Right now I'm feeling anxiety and anger. I have taken some action in the situation but have no idea what the fallout will be. My morale is low and I want to do something about it. I feel constrained and frustrated. These thoughts don't dominate my meditation, but they tend to become troublesome in daily life. "

Hi Laurel. Your diligent practice through all of this is inspiring. Ever read Kenneth's exercise "the toll booth"? I always find it really helpful when I can remember it:
KF:
"This exercise is inspired by a comment that Adyashanti made in one of his talks. He said that once you discover this simple, direct, awake way of being in the world, you would like to be able to live this way instead of just lucking into it now and again. You *can* learn to live in it, he said, but there is a price. The price is simply all your resentment, all your fear, all your anxiety, all your stress, all your manic joy, etc; you have to give over all of that in this moment in return for peace.

I think of this as a toll booth. Anytime I am suffering, a man appears in front of me with his toll booth. "Hand it over," he says. At that moment, it is as if a gold coin magically appears in my pocket; my anxiety IS the currency in question! All I have to do is hand it over. This is the best value in town! I happily hand over the gold coin and smile. In return, I get peace."

Thanks, Joel. I've also been thinking about the hot coal analogy--it's time to drop it!

Always easier said than done, of course!

The tollbooth is a clever tool. I just recalled, one thing I used to do when severely distracted (on or off the cushion) by anxieties and such was to remind myself: "You can think about that later." Which has a similar effect as handing the thought to the tollbooth man.

1 hour this morning. Began with lots of coughing, decided to note the sensations of irritation in the throat with as much diligence and attention as I could muster. Kept coming back to "irritation," investigated it--does it change? pulse? move around? Noted ringing in ears, went back and forth between that sound and the sensation in the throat, plus congestion, breathing, and any thoughts that came up (not much space for thoughts). Didn't really settle into anything for about half an hour, but eventually got a deeper peace and mild vibrations. Felt familiar, melted into it, noted in a relaxed way. There was a period in which thoughts flickered through the mind in very rapid succession, none of them sticking. Then the sense of peace deepened, and felt a stronger pulsing of vibrations. Kept this up for awhile until the timer went off, sat for about 5 minutes after the timer.

After that did about 15 minutes of walking meditation. My mind gradually became more active, began thinking about my path so far, its twists and turns, its progress and points of regression. I feel that I finally understand what my own peculiar hindrances have been; but now I'm prepared to let this thing unfold without getting in the way. The key at this point is momentum. Joel's attainment has given me hope. This is doable. There is nothing and no one, on or off the cushion, that has the power to prevent it. Thanks, everyone!

Nice.

Hi Laurel, I just wanted to let you know that your determination and honesty are very inspiring to me, so thank you for that. We can do it!

Thank you both, Andy and Marc, for the encouragement. This site is worth its weight in gold--if cyber-space weighs anything . . . oh well, it's just an expression

50 mins. Began with settling on the breath, 3x10, then noting. Itches, an ache in my hand where I had the surgery, throbbing and pulsing. I went back and forth between the ache and the itch as fast as I could, threw in the ear-ringing for good measure, when the itch subsided found another sensation and ping-ponged around the body with it pretty fast, all sensations vibrating. I noted a few thoughts after awhile, other sounds, then fell into a bit of dreaminess and sleepy feeling. Eventually felt vibrations over the top part of the body, still dreamy. Then suddenly the feet and legs started with obvious, clear vibrations, and bliss wave after bliss wave passed over me from the top down. This continued for awhile, then I began to experience an intensification and acceleration of pace, my heartbeat was speeding up, and I eventually felt myself breathing out my mouth as if I were out of breath. The visual field was in motion, my body seemed to be warmer and warmer, everything moving. There was a kind of rush and then things eased up, slowed down, cooled off. Heartbeat and breath returned to normal. Timer eventually went off, then my family came home, but I'm still a little spacey.

I'm not a doctor, but you mIght consider taking the day off tomorrow on account of how you're probably going to feel.

Hm. Well I am kind of wondering--so far I feel normal but still a bit spacey. Meditated for about half an hour in bed later last night, got back to the absorption in vibrations, then couldn't sleep so read a book for awhile, but had no taste for it. Eventually got sleepy, during the night had some intense dreams but nothing like the nightmares of recent weeks.

Just did 55 minutes sitting, about 10 minutes walking. Had trouble settling, lots of "sticky" thoughts that weren't disturbing, just persistent. This pattern persisted for what felt like a long time. Eventually felt the gentle vibrations and the slippery mind, then the more pronounced vibrations that took over the whole body. Didn't have the buildup of last night.

I don't really know what happened last night; I'm waiting to find out. I do feel as if part of the center of "me" has gone away; thoughts and sensations are happening, but "I" am not generating them. It will be interesting to see how the day goes. I will keep you posted. Thanks, Andy.

It does sound promising.... and definitely cool, regardless! Watching this space....

Watching this. Great job regarless! I am impressed by your ability to rebound after your surgery. Go back and read those posts right afterwards and now read these latest ones. Huge inspiration!

Okay, so I've been a bit disoriented today, have been functioning normally nonetheless. I meditated briefly mid-morning and felt tingling, especially in the third eye. Then this evening I settled in for some samatha. It was like turning over the ignition on a Ferrari; all of a sudden the engine roared into gear. I was sitting through waves of rushing vibrations, tingling, and bliss that just kept coming at me. It was a bit like walking outside after having one's pupils dilated at the optometrist's office, almost too much to be pleasant. I've had feelings of fear, euphoria, doubt, confusion and whatnot, but not sure what to make of it. I'm sort of tired--spacey tired--but not exactly sleepy. Not sure who I am at the moment. That's about all I can say for now.

"Not sure who I am at the moment."

Thats odd...seems to be contagious around here...

"Thats odd...seems to be contagious around here... "

<smile>

"Then this evening I settled in for some samatha. It was like turning over the ignition on a Ferrari; all of a sudden the engine roared into gear. I was sitting through waves of rushing vibrations, tingling, and bliss that just kept coming at me. "

Enjoy your Ferrari Laurel, you have definitely earned it!



Mudita

Sounds like stream entry, Laurel. Congratulations and welcome to the club.

Kenneth

Congrats Laurel, well deserved!