Laurel's practice

"You seem to be experiencing this quite differently than if you hadn't practiced at all. Do you find your practice has proved beneficial?"

Actually, Tommy McNally made the point that the 10th and the 11th nanas have in common the sense of viewing the world through a wide-angle lens, and I can see this very clearly now. I have had such experiences of universalized sadness in the past, but that is because I was dark-nighting and didn't realize it. I now understand what is going on. I also see the way clinging to self is involved in the entire experience. It used to disturb me that so much of me, seeing myself feeling so deeply, persisted in the sadness. Now I view it as part of the experience at my point on the path. It can't be otherwise for me, now.

There is in all of this a more clear understanding of suffering, impermanence, and no-self. Bob was last week and is not now. I wonder where he is, and realize that "he" is no-where. I try to imagine the same thing for my own self and can't get my brain around it. I know I am still in a state of wanting the ultimate self-improvement, to keep myself and be happier, better. But I'm not at a point of being able to see beyond it.

Practice has been more than beneficial, it has been essential. Thanks, beoman.

"Then I got some monster itches, then I started shaking, and then I went through a series of alternations between violent shaking and calmer vibrations. I got the pressure in the back of the head for some of it. The shaking was actually different from anything I've had in the past, more like being rocked back and forth at times. I remember thinking I was glad I wasn't in a meditation hall full of people! "

I had long lasting episodes of violent shaking (or serpent spine) before my shift and watching self drop away in real time. If you can't stop the shaking off the cushion and it is bothering you, you can bring your attention into your body, or even you feet and it should help.

Have you resolved to try to be as attentive as possible to every little detail throughout a given day? I'd be curious what the elder practitioners have to say, but it sounds like your momentum is really good...

Sorry to hear about the loss. When I wrote my post above I had not read that far down your thread. *hugs*

Thanks for sharing the story about the choir and bob and his dog.

I come from a traditional catholic background. A big part of my spirituality for several years was meditating on the sorrowful mysteries. I wept a lot, and so I've always been interested in the concept of "holy tears." Suffering and it's meaning is a big part of Christian spirituality. It is of great significance that Jesus wept:

"When Jesus saw her [Mary] weeping, and the Jews'¦also weeping, he was greatly disturbed in spirit and deeply moved. He said, "Where have you laid him?" They said to him, "Lord, come and see." Jesus began to weep. So the Jews said, "See how he loved him!"

Here's a neat article on it: thefierymind.wordpress.com/2011/04/29/tears-of-infinite-value/

Thanks for the hug, Justin, and thanks, Mu, for the article. There's an Anglican solitary, Maggie Ross, who wrote a book in 1987 called *The Fountain and the Furnace* on the subject of tears. I managed to lose my copy in one of my transitions, but just ordered one used from Amazon. I was interested in the article you referenced: that "[tears] flow . . . when the soul, moved by the spirit or by the outer world, experiences a higher degree of intensity in its inner life than is customary." It does seem as if that's what happened on Sunday. I first bought Ross's book on the recommendation of a spiritual adviser, and tears were a defining feature of my spirituality at that time. I am wondering what will happen as I proceed on this path.

Yesterday I meditated twice, for 30 minutes each time. The first was early morning, and settled into fine vibrations. The second was in the late afternoon at the meditation center. I noted through almost the entire sit, and caught myself wandering into thinking threads a couple of times. At no point did I experience the sense of spaciousness that was present in the morning sit, but it was okay.

Hi Laurel, hugs coming from me, too. I'm impressed by your determination to stay with your feelings honestly and yet learn from them. Your compassion and dedication despite the tough time you're having in keeping at the meditation are shining through in your posts and remain an inspiration.

It's wonderful to hear from you, Liam. I hope you have a fruitful meeting; it's in a day or two, right? I wish I could fly across the pond and join you.

I've been cylcing back and forth from Re-ob to low equianimity, and it's been a bit of a slog. My workload is crushing me at the moment, and I can't sleep more than 5 1/2-6 hours a night. I'm seriously thinking of cutting back, but won't be able to do that until next year. But even a decision to drop a course would ease my mind. I'm working on it.

Sit yesterday for 30 mins., was nothing special. Just now, 45 mins. Lots of thinking, thinking, thinking as I got settled. Then noting, then a few itches, some muscle tension, then fine vibrations, sleepiness. I'm wondering if with the lack of sleep I would be better off making every effort at meditating/napping during the day (maybe both together!). It's restful to get into samadhi, more so than spinning my wheels, which I'm tempted to do far too much these days.

I have a five-day retreat scheduled for late January at a local retreat center, with Rebecca Bradshaw. While I'm looking forward to that, it feels like a long time to wait. I don't know how many half-days or daylongs I'll be able to get to with the need to work over the weekends to keep up. Maybe Thanksgiving weekend.

I've been meditating off and on over the past few days. Friday at around noontime I was at a stopping point with my work, and instead of taking up another task I decided to take 30 mins. and focus. It was beautiful. I need to do it every day. Of course, I blew off some things I "ought" to have been doing, but it was worth it.

Have had a couple of sessions since, all about the same: some sleepiness & dream imagery, followed by vibrations. This morning just before the timer went off started to get some itches, but had to get a move on. It might have been interesting to keep going if I could.

I've been alternating between low equanimity and reobservation for quite some time now. I don't know how soon I'll be able to break out of this pattern; it depends on how much time I'm willing and able to carve out, which is not always easy. Distractions are as much of a problem as anything else these days. My usual response to overwork is to look for any way possible to avoid settling down and getting things done. Yesterday I had grading to do; I got through about half of it and read a novel. Stupid. But that's the way I am. I'm wondering at what point these old patterns will change. I have to be patient; I've already changed a great deal; I'm not the person I was a year ago.

One unfortunate source of distraction is this forum, especially when there are conflicts. I tend to follow such threads avidly. I suppose the controversies replace my former obsession with political websites. I am trying to be aware of the charge that conflict carries for me, but even with awareness I find it hard to resist. Every time I go there, the decision to get involved reinforces the habit. There's a reward structure in the brain that's being activated. Of course it reinforces the constructed self--"I" think this, "I" don't like that.

"One unfortunate source of distraction is this forum, especially when there are conflicts. I tend to follow such threads avidly. I suppose the controversies replace my former obsession with political websites. "

Ha! Sorry to laugh, but I know exactly where you're coming from. All weekend, I was thinking "No, don't look at KFD, don't at KFD, you're just rubbernecking". Of course I looked anyways. I've reflected lately that I may have just traded in an obsession with Daily Kos for an obsession with this. (And for me it is extra-stupid since I am not even American!)

It's very hard to be a political junkie and a Buddhist . I've found a better balance in the last few months- even during the intensity and excitement of a Canadian election [no jokes about "intensity and excitement" vs. "Canadian", please ]. But it's still a pull.

[Part 1]

On another note:

Try not to let yourself rule out equanimity (or even stream entry) due to external commitments.

While my experience isn't really comparable to your current situation, my last switch from Re-observation to EQ prior to stream entry happened at a time when I assumed it could not be done.

I had a potentially-contentious 3-day family visit, when I would have no time to meditate, right when I was feeling some flaming dukkha nanas.

So I said to myself, "I won't be able to practice; I just KNOW that my most selfish, bitter, and whiny internal voices will be in full swing. I will just try to stay with the situation, and make an effort to be as helpful and supportive to others as I can".

To my surprise, when the visit was over, my dukkha nanas had vanished- so much so that I was actually kind of confused and aimless. I simply could not find it in myself to feel "bad" (nor "good" either... just... "fine"!). No sitting was involved. I sometimes wonder if it was the resolution to roll with the punches for a couple of days made the difference.

What I'm saying is: try to resist that feeling of "oh well, I guess I am putting it off until later". Literally anything can happen. Maybe you can find some kind of positive resolution that's in line with your current circumstances, that can stand in for beating yourself up for not practicing enough!

[continued...]

[continued from above]

Also- this may not apply to you, but it does for me- there can be a powerful but subtle predisposition to look for faults, for reasons to "fail", for bad feelings in the body. To this day, I find meditation often brings on tension rather than calm, and I think this is because I just have so much trouble *not* constantly taking my temperature and looking for what is wrong.

In that story I just told, I think that, with that resolution, I accidentally short-circuited- at just the right moment- my tendency to accentuate the negative.

Thanks so much, Rob. I am actually in something of a quandary right now, because things have come to a head, at least temporarily, involving some medical issues that are probably stress related. I've bailed out of a couple of evening activities, and am thinking of cutting my workload, but am not quite sure whether and when to do that. But I've been doing hard time in the dukkhas all week, especially last night. I've done some sitting, done some work with awareness during the day. But then I got some chest pain and had to take a stress test, and because of family history I'm being referred to a cardiologist. So I got to spend some quality time thinking about what it would mean to die. Premature, I know, but when people start telling you how and when to take the nitroglycerin pills they've prescribed, it's scary. I had some of the pain last night and was able to get it to go away with relaxation. The doctor says in that case it's probably not the heart. That's good to hear. I do feel, though, as if I'm walking around with a very, very fragile glass of water that I'm trying not to jar or spill. It's not the pain that's the problem, it's the stories I begin telling myself about it. I haven't felt any actual gripping panic in the body, but there've been some tears, and then of course the sudden death of my friend a couple of weeks ago has been weighing on me.

The main message, however, is to cut back on all the extra-curricular activities, the performance ensembles (which, given my performance anxiety, just create more stress) and the extra conferences. I have one I can't get out of, but am bailing out of the second. For a couple of months I've been in this curiously charmed state where I've been able to do almost anything, all day, and all evening, and barely sleep, (cont.)

(cont.) and it seems that vipassana has given this gift to me. It's almost comical, in a way. My early warning system has been disrupted. So of course I fill up the time with more and more stuff. But I'm happy to back off now; that's the place I'm going with all of this.

I don't think I meditated at all on Friday, but yesterday I practiced for 35 minutes in the morning, and then last evening I put in some time before bed. I set the timer for 35 minutes, but blew past it and ended up sitting for well over an hour. I was alert just about the entire time (in the morning I'd been pretty sleepy) and I have a humongous headcold, which I had been thinking of as an excuse for just bailing. But I sat with it. I worked myself up to the monster itches and the shaking and gentle rocking back and forth. It took a long time to build up to that, and then it kept going for a long time. Eventually I had to decide to get up and go to bed, but I kept practicing as I got ready and went to bed, and every time I woke up in the night I kept practicing. The thread was broken this morning when I had to deal with people, but then I read some of Nick's posts about stream entry on The Hamilton Project and have been resolving to maintain mindfulness.

I had a lesson with Beth earlier last week, and she told me the most important thing for me to focus on was mindfulness during the day. I putzed around for the rest of the week, not sure how to do this, not feeling much like doing it. But after yesterday I'm feeling more focused and motivated. I've been losing momentum for awhile, knocking around in the dukkhas and low eq, and I'm sick of it. I've also been looking to the future, trying to plan retreats, or plan a reduced workload, and imagine what that will be like. But it's time to get moving RIGHT NOW. So there it is.

Last night: about 45 minutes. This was similar to the sit of the night before, but not exactly the same. There was a long period of buildup, this time with some drifting and sleepiness, then a long period of itches on the face that turned excruciating; what started as one or two monster itches became what felt like blistering all over the surface of the face. I wanted to claw my face off. I resisted this urge and tried surrendering to it, and it got worse and worse, sometimes acting like pinpricks, other times breaking out into several monster itches plus background irritation. Eventually I started shaking and rocking a little, but the main feature was the itching. When it began to die down I ended the session, about 10 minutes after the timer went off.

This morning, 35 minutes, lots of sleepiness. I think I was actually dreaming; I dreamed about talking to Nikolai, because I'd been reading his blog on the Hamilton Project, I dreamed about my mother, whom I saw last night (and who talked about her own passing, what she wants to do before that happens), and I dreamed about Halloween and then about Santa Claus (holiday stress coming up, I guess). When I woke up I'd be lightly vibrating, but then get submerged again. I wasn't sorry to hear the timer go off. After that did about 40 minutes of yoga, focusing on body sensations. Side note: there's been nothing interesting in the visual field for a long time now.

Perhaps a case of the old nighttime a&p phenomenon (judging by the three characteristics stuff you ran into before bed & the dreaming/vibrating)

"Perhaps a case of the old nighttime a&p phenomenon (judging by the three characteristics stuff you ran into before bed & the dreaming/vibrating)"

Yes, it certainly feels that way. I am thinking that I am not sitting for long enough at a time to make it past this stage; maybe my loss of momentum in the past month has contributed as well. In any case, I'm going to a conference out of town on Thursday, and every minute I'm not required to be involved in it I will devote to a mini self-retreat.

Last evening, set the timer for 35 minutes, made it through about 22 of those minutes. Sleepy the whole time, dreaming. So I thought I'd just make it official and go to bed. I'm getting ready to go to a conference, my paper isn't finished (today's the day I get it done), and I'm not feeling panic, but I'm not totally relaxed about it either.

Woke up in the night and decided to meditate after it was clear that I was spinning in thinking. I thought I'd wait out whatever processes were unfolding, try to get further down the path. I made it through the dreamy stage to the monster itches, which weren't as intense as the night before but lasted a long, long time. Then there was gentle shaking, and what felt like vibrating, but it was so subtle I wasn't sure. Cycles of itch, shake, vibrate repeated over and over, long and slow and not very intense. After about an hour of this I decided to call it a night. I'm not sure what my edge is, or how to get there.

I've been trying to maintain mindfulness during the day, and have been checking in with myself every time I can. It's hard to keep at it when I'm either preparing classes or dealing with with people. Sitting at a meeting, I can begin to check in with myself, but while teaching I go into a zone of concentration on the class. That's actually pleasurable in and of itself. But then yesterday afternoon I went for a walk, and all of the content of the day kept cycling through my head over and over, and I had trouble dislodging it. I tried looking at it head-on and asking, what is the payoff for me of thinking about this? Where does the payoff manifest in the body? It seemed that whatever satisfaction I was getting from it was settling between my throat and my eyebrows. I've read Antero's discussion of selfing and see some of that process at work, plus in my case the throat chakra is way overdeveloped.

35 mins. this morning, in which I experienced the progress of insight much more clearly than ever before. I started off distracted, but got settled down and then felt a nice, relaxed focus, noting easily, and experiencing gentle bliss waves washing over me. Then I noticed myself feeling restless and wanting to stop, and wondered, why is that, and then immediately realized, because it's getting difficult. The pleasant vibes were turning prickly and harsh. At about the point that the timer went off the itches had started up. I could have gone on, I suppose, but I had to stop. But I'm going to be away at a conference over the next few days, and will experiment with some longer sessions in my hotel room.

I have been through this territory before, but had no specific sense of it pre-A&P except for the itches. Off the cushion, I'm doing my best to stay mindful, but have been preoccupied with getting my conference paper finished. (It should have been done by the end of the summer, but that's another story.) There was a moment yesterday evening when I just said to myself, that's it, I'm through tinkering with it, I'm done. It may not be perfect, but it's good enough.

I'm at the conference. I've been coming to this conference most years for over 25 years now. The people who were the older generation when I started are dead or retired, and now I and my cohort are the senior people. I could map the progress of my entire career around my experience of this conference--my career being my efforts at creating and maintaining a self that somehow satisfies "me." This is the first time I've been here since undertaking a serious meditation practice.

There is an enormous amount of posturing, comparing, positioning, and self-promotion at these affairs, along with networking, catching up with people, and, of course, presenting one's research and hearing other people's. It is all very stressful. As a younger scholar all I cared about was getting in with the people whose approval I craved. Then for awhile I found myself on the receiving end of some of that kind of attention. Then I got disgusted with the whole thing as an empty show. But underlying every role, every pose, has been the feeling of fear of exposure, of others finding out that I am a fraud, an impostor. Every single time I think, this paper is awful, it's not very good, it's embarrassing. And then afterwards someone frequently says, you should submit that to my journal, you should publish that, it was really interesting. Or else asks me to write something for an anthology, or whatever. Every year it's lather, rinse, repeat. I go home thinking, from now on I'm going to read everything, write everything, do everything I've always dreamed I would do, and this time I really mean it. And then life takes over and I feel like the biggest failure. This, I reckon, is the hot coal I'm carrying around. This is the cost of being "myself."

"And then life takes over and I feel like the biggest failure."

Laurel, can you explain this in more detail? Do you know what it is about life causes the feeling of failure? Have you ever sat with that " problem" and let it soak for a while, like a koan? If you did that what do you think might happen?

Thanks.

It would be easy to say, at least I can take refuge in my meditation, I am above all this stuff, I know better. But I'd be putting on yet another pose. So what I'm doing is watching myself while all of this unfolds yet again, investigating it with compassion. There's the thrill of fear that hits the midsection when I think I've made a gaffe, or the nagging sense of envy when I look at someone else's recently published book, or the sense of loneliness and abandonment when I find myself alone with no one asking me to lunch, or the sense of wanting to get away from everyone and hide.

And then there's what's going on in meditation. I began on the flight, as we were landing, and the pressure in my ears was unbearable because of my headcold. I just kept focusing on that pain, watching it break up and reconstitute itself, observing it, moving to other sensations in the body, and then as we taxied into the gate watching the pavement pass by, noticing each detail. Last evening I meditated for about 25 minutes, making it through the same stages as the other day, but stopping when the itches kicked in. I told myself that between the fatigue and the misery of the headcold I just plain couldn't hack any more discomfort.

This morning, 45 minutes: this was a pleasant session, actually, with lots of tingling and vibrating, no itches to speak of. There was a dreaminess from time to time, but nothing extreme. This afternoon, another 45 minutes, quite similar, although there was more restlessness because of the day I'd just been through. I also had a wave of sadness pass over me, and asked the question Beth asked me the other day, who is this happening to? I don't perceive that there is anyone.

I am beginning to think that what I really need to do is settle down for longer sits, an hour or longer if I can manage it. That and continue to investigate during the day.

Life takes over, as in I don't do all the things I thought I wanted to do, or had resolved to do. I know that I have not put anywhere near as much time and energy into my research as many other people, and that if I had, I would have more to show for myself, more things on my c.v. In my profession, that is where the status is. I have tried to figure out for years why I haven't just buckled down and done it; the question has gnawed at me over and over. And I realize that in the process of trying so hard to answer it, I'm creating narratives about myself, one after another, and none of them really amounts to anything substantial or satisfying.

I don't want to think of the dharma as yet another narrative, although it's tempting to do. I also don't think I can say I'm beyond narratives, because I'm not. But I can say now that in meditating I'm trying to do something different. I have sat with the "problem" and tried thinking my way through it forever and ever and ever and I'm not going to succeed at that. But today I did in fact sit with the "problem" in meditation and I felt sadness, and the ache in the throat and the stinging in the eyes, and I noted, "sadness, sadness." And it wasn't happening to anyone in particular that I could locate. And that is, in fact, different.

I don't know what will happen with it. I caught myself earlier today thinking, either I'm going to go home and put a lot of effort into research and writing, or else I'm going to quit, and then I thought, there's a third option: why don't you just keep on with your practice and see what happens? Because you really don't know what you're going to do, when you get home, or even before that. That's something different as well.

I know all those things, Laurel. It's difficult to get outside of them but then that's why we sit. My guess is that you are driven by expectations, much like I am, so you need to be extra compassionate with yourself. Maybe you can ask yourself not just who is this happening to, but who is expecting all of this.... stuff? Why does't it happen as you see it happening in your thought loops? To whom does it matter? Does it really matter?

I tend to have issues with people in authority, and I tend to grant authority to people, sometimes almost randomly, so I can then have an authority to generate expectations. Mind then generates internal voices that tell me what expectations I'm supposed to live up to, and not living up to them makes me feel guilty. Quite absurdly guilty. Anticipating not living up to those expectations generates anxiety. Absurdly high levels of anxiety. The realization that the voices aren't me and that all of that stuff arises and passes and is unsatisfactory and out of my control (no one can control or predict their thoughts) slowly takes hold and over time the stuff has less grip on me.

Oh yeah, I like your third option