Laurel's Practice II

But I admit, Chris, that I'm also trying to tell yet another story to make sense of these experiences. And what I really want to do instead is write myself out of the script: "exit, stage left." My facility with words has been my own undoing. So you're right that I'm in danger of over-correcting. Doing that just perpetuates the dynamic that keeps the self engaged in its pattern. I am going to have to be cautious and, as giragirasol says, just observe what's going on. What's going on: pressure, stinging, aching, tension, pressure, aching, hearing, stinging . . .

Anger patterns always comes from unacknowledge hurt. We all get angry, but whenever anger sticks or becomes a pattern it's a "covering up". It's not covering up something conceptual or cognitive, it's covering up something more raw, primal, and pretty immovable unless fully experienced.

I've only found that the only way to defuse it is to really, really, really sitting with the feeling of anger, exagerating it, acting it out mentally, visualizing, and feeling it in all of its righteous glory. Keep doing that and you will pick up on something else. Don't quit too soon. Feel for the very heart of the anger. When it starts opening up, don't quit too soon. Huge insights come from experiencing raw hurt. Raw, raw, unintellectual hurt.

What happens next is unexpected and exactly what is needed.

So odd how this happens but I was just parusing twitter and saw this: www.tricycle.com/wisdom-collection/teach...ycle-teachings-anger

Free e-book. Worth checking out. I am for sure.

EDIT: Dangit, you need to be a member, sorry.

"Anger patterns always comes from unacknowledge hurt. We all get angry, but whenever anger sticks or becomes a pattern it's a "covering up". It's not covering up something conceptual or cognitive, it's covering up something more raw, primal, and pretty immovable unless fully experienced.

I've only found that the only way to defuse it is to really, really, really sitting with the feeling of anger, exagerating it, acting it out mentally, visualizing, and feeling it in all of its righteous glory. Keep doing that and you will pick up on something else. Don't quit too soon. Feel for the very heart of the anger. When it starts opening up, don't quit too soon. Huge insights come from experiencing raw hurt. Raw, raw, unintellectual hurt.

What happens next is unexpected and exactly what is needed. "

Yes, with the precaution that being with the anger in all its pure rawness is not the same as stewing in the stories. One gets nowhere sitting there fantasizing about the stories "should coulda woulda". It's about feeling the anger in the body and mind as manifesting experience, in the moment (even if the moment is one in which you sit down and say okay, bring it, let's sit with this anger and really feel it fully).

Otherwise, yes, agree totally. Getting right to the heart of it is enormously beneficial.

When I'm actually in the throes of self-righteous rage a part of me is enjoying it so much that I don't want to stop and look at it closely. This past weekend I couldn't settle down while it was going on. Now I can settle down, but the anger is gone. What I remember about it was a sense of exaltation, a lot of energy. There was a buzz in my head and in my midsection, a sense of energy swirling around in the skull, and lots of tingling. There was also a choking sensation in the chest.

Mostly, though, I was in love with my own narrative. I kept looking back over and rereading my words, craving a kind of closure from them that I never got. It was like a trance. When it crumbled I was horrified. At first I struggled to maintain the trance, and then I began to feel a sickness in the gut and a sense of disorientation. I had to teach a class and attend a meeting in this condition, and it was like a nightmare, trying to communicate through a thick mental fog, across a wide gulf. The nausea is still there, but not quite as intense as at first. I also still feel as if there's a glass wall between myself and others, and that I'm carefully maintaining a shell, trying to protect everyone from myself. There's a sense of not belonging to myself any more. It's as if a part of myself has been destroyed. Maybe my narrative is what was holding my self together, and now it's gone, and I'm disoriented.

I'm trying to figure out how this experience compares to others I've had pre-stream entry. Part of what is going on is I'm trying to substitute another narrative for the one that's lost, and I catch myself doing it and step back. The I'm-a-horrible-person narrative is very tempting.

There's a tremendous amount of sadness, and a sense of how fragile everything and everyone is. I feel myself flinch when I remember things I said and remember what my colleague's friend said about her reaction, almost her being almost physically ill. What I feel now is a burning sensation in my chest, the heart center. I'm also crying a lot, especially when I'm left alone and begin to think about it again. I'm thinking of all the times over the years that I've exploded at people and feel overwhelming compassion for myself and them. It's as if the world is a fragile glass sphere and I want to take exquisite care of it. But the I'm-a-horrible-person narrative starts to butt in at this point and the sense of compassion turns into a story: look at all the harm you've caused.

There is for me a symbiosis between verbal formulations and various sensations that coalesce into identifiable emotions. It's like porn: I stimulate myself with words. Each set of words tells me what to feel, and by extension, who or what I am. Sometimes I will add images to the mix, the memory of the face of a person with whom I've had conflict, for example. Sometimes I carry on dialogues with various people in my head, one in particular. It's as if I expect this person to reflect a self back to me if I can find the words to tell her who I really am.

But what I keep coming back to is that I don't know. I don't know myself, who I am. I don't think I experienced this sense of unknowing pre-stream entry. I think back then there would always be a new story to substitute for the one that had fallen apart.

So, am I beginning to realize I've been carrying the hot coal, and am I dropping it? As painful as all this sounds, it is so much better than the pain I used to experience when I was uncritically invested in my stories. I'm starting to feel gratitude. There is only this moment, now.

Russell, I joined Tricycle and downloaded that book. Will start reading it pronto!

"I also still feel as if there's a glass wall between myself and others, and that I'm carefully maintaining a shell, trying to protect everyone from myself."

More often than not, deep down, it's actually about protecting yourself, defending your own ego, and a misdirected fear of being abandoned and dying. Neat to note also how you are attached to the dramas.

Painful as this stuff is, it's so ******* fabulous to work through it and feel it start to fall away, little by little. Curiosity and wonder and gratitude are great things to bring to it.

Had painful moments last evening, feeling abandoned and dying. Then I sat for 45 minutes. I expected all sorts of emotional stuff to come up, but there wasn't any of that to speak of. I did my 3x10 focus on the breath, became tingly all over and absorbed in concentration, then began noting. There were pains, lots of tension in the belly, and then finally the powerful sensations of itches on the face followed by kriyas, which alternated over and over and got more and more pronounced. Some tingling, some tension, but mostly itches and kriyas.

This morning: same approach. During the anapanasati I developed some good focus, then noting. Noted aching, stabbing, lots and lots of painful tension in the midsection, almost burning; then there was hearing, thoughts, mildly flashing lights, then itching in the face that subsided for awhile; eventually the itching returned then finally shaking. All of these phenomena much milder than last night, consistent with my observations from the past comparing early morning sits with evening sits.

I'm getting a bit tired of this 3C and even A&P stuff and am actually looking forward to the dukkha nanas. I must be daft. But about 5 to 10 minutes before the end of this morning's sit I noticed the tight knot of tension had dissipated.

"I'm getting a bit tired of this 3C and even A&P stuff and am actually looking forward to the dukkha nanas. I must be daft. "

Maybe not. Maybe you're understanding the purification that comes from going to the center of dukka.

At first we want to avoid, create a position for ourselves that is superior, only to find that we've separated ourselves from others, our body, our self. Most people spend their entire live building up the superior position, watching it fall apart, then trying to build it up again. Others notice the pattern and wonder, why the heck do I keep doing that? But maybe they just stop at wondering.

Others go deeper into feeling the sensation of all of these drives, the drive for the superior position, the drive to call oneself a horrible person, the drive to become a great meditator, [the drive to write to write pretentious stuff like this! ], the drive to become something better. Why all those drives? What are we trying to fix?

And then we start looking inward, first finding the knots, then finding the energy of the knots, then we find ourselves in the center of the energy, and inside there is insight.

Stop too soon and you just become someone that can talk about knots and make more stories about knots. Keep going and you will know the truth of the knot --- and know the release and compassion that automatically results from that intimate knowing of these vunerabilities at the center of the knots. If it doesn't hit close to home, it probably isn't the center of the knot.

This work isn't about antidotes, it's simply about really feeling the poison. The rest just happens from that direct experience.

"
This work isn't about antidotes, it's simply about really feeling the poison. The rest just happens from that direct experience.
"

Wonderful.

This morning settled with 3x10 on the breath, began noting body sensations and sounds, then there were mild itches, a few flickers of shaking, a brief flash of light, then I started nodding off, literally (as in my head kept drooping down). I'd catch myself eventually and sit up straight, then it would droop again. Finally I felt some vibrations and heat building up in the upper body mainly, then some more pronounced itches on the face and a bit of mild shaking.

At about mid-point I really, really wanted to stop meditating; these sleepy sits are so hard for me. But I reminded myself that I need to sit through difficulties because that's when progress happens. I started speculating, wondering whether I was in dissolution. Could have been.

My drama seems to have subsided now. I caught on to the fact that I really was beginning to turn the aggression back on myself, and realized that aggression is aggression regardless of where it's directed. I'm beginning to see it more objectively now. I also more than ever want to get back to making progress in order to end this stuff. I have a new enthusiasm for meditation as a result.

"At about mid-point I really, really wanted to stop meditating; these sleepy sits are so hard for me. But I reminded myself that I need to sit through difficulties because that's when progress happens. I started speculating, wondering whether I was in dissolution. Could have been. "

Sounds like it to me.

"My drama seems to have subsided now. I caught on to the fact that I really was beginning to turn the aggression back on myself, and realized that aggression is aggression regardless of where it's directed. I'm beginning to see it more objectively now. I also more than ever want to get back to making progress in order to end this stuff. I have a new enthusiasm for meditation as a result. "

Excellent point. Thank you for the reminder. I admire your dedication and honest reporting and trust that you will reconcile some of these difficulties, as to some extent you already have. Good work.

"And then we start looking inward, first finding the knots, then finding the energy of the knots, then we find ourselves in the center of the energy, and inside there is insight.

Stop too soon and you just become someone that can talk about knots and make more stories about knots. Keep going and you will know the truth of the knot --- and know the release and compassion that automatically results from that intimate knowing of these vunerabilities at the center of the knots. If it doesn't hit close to home, it probably isn't the center of the knot.

This work isn't about antidotes, it's simply about really feeling the poison. The rest just happens from that direct experience.
"

Very nice post betawave - helps me a great deal!

Ah, yes. The dirty little secret behind all the suffering

Betawave, very, very nice job spelling this out. My hat's off to you, sir.

Yes; especially the part about stopping too soon and becoming a person that can talk about knots. It's always been a curious thing for me to notice how beautifully someone can talk and yet not gain any real insight. It's especially dangerous for those of us who love to talk for a living.

45 mins. last evening, during which the itches intensified as well as the kriyas. If Dissolution is my edge right now, I barely reached it. It was a highly unpleasant sit; I would dearly have loved to have had the sleepiness instead. I even clawed at my face a couple of times, and checked the timer.

30 mins. this morning. Difficult to settle down; I had a nightmare in the early morning, of being spread-eagled and fastened to a wall for the night. Something like a crucifixion, I guess. Lovely. Anyway, during the initial 3X10 focus on the breath I felt I barely achieved access concentration. I went into the noting anyway and noted sounds, aches, itches, and then started into some gentle vibrations which would alternate with much milder itches and kriyas. There was a lot of thought activity and I was tempted to feel frustrated with it until I reminded myself that it was all part of the meditation. This sit also seemed to last a long time; I treated my temptation to look at the timer as part of the meditation as well.

Got in 45 mins. this morning. I had a lot of planning thoughts that kept poking away at me, kept noting them. Every so often I'd have to resolve to refocus on sounds, sensations, etc., and then the planning thoughts would poke again. There was a lot of restlessness, the feeling that this was taking a long time. There was also, while all this was going on, a gentle vibrating tingling that felt like bliss and relaxation. In other words, it wasn't necessarily aversive to sit through the planning thoughts and have to note them again and again. I did find, however, that there was no discernible progress on any insight map I've ever heard of. I was mildly curious about how to classify any of these phenomena while I was sitting.

There was also the knot of tension in the midsection that is characteristic of early waking. It waxed and waned in intensity. One of my planning thoughts had to do with trying to get up just a little earlier and do some stretches beforehand so that stuff has a chance to work its way out of my system. Then my mind went to why I haven't been doing this lately. Then other planning thoughts crept in and so it went.

Tried to sit last night and actually bailed because I was so tired. Then I woke up at about 3:30, and after trying to go back to sleep decided to put in 45 mins. It was another session like yesterday. It just went round and round and round; I noted but not diligently, just let myself watch stuff for awhile before noting again. One thing I'm seeing is thought loops that keep happening but don't really grab me, they're just there out of habit. Sometimes they turn into dreams and other times they just run out of steam. Also there's repetitive music.

Today has been pretty unpleasant, lots of tension in the midsection, some sadness and just feeling "down." Might just be that I'm tired. I tend sometimes to think dissatisfaction is the mark of a superior, sensitive person--one way my ego tries to get something out of it. Of course that's a crock.

Didn't even try to sit last night. 30 mins. this morning, except I bailed with about 2 mins. left. Not sure why it was so difficult; I stopped not because it was unpleasant but because it felt aimless and I got restless. It was another one of those sits when stuff kept staying in the mind; I noted lots of planning thoughts, some quite satisfying. I had aches and stinging pain, then mild kriyas, then a major itch, more kriyas. I think I may be getting bored with this pattern. I actively waited for the sleepiness of dissolution and it didn't come. Noted "mapping thoughts."

30 mins. this a.m., more of the same. Lots of planning thoughts, some mild itches and kriyas. I've been experiencing doubt and fear off cushion, but after reading Ron Crouch's latest thread on here I'm getting fed up with both.

30 mins. this morning. Another mixed sit, with lots of thoughts and restlessness, but no itches and kriyas. There was actually a settling down in the last 10 minutes or so with mild vibrations and peace. This became the background for aching, itching, tension, compression, hearing, etc.

Off cushion, life has been painful, lots of anxiety and getting caught in a web of negative thinking. Trying to keep myself from going too far down that road, watching it happen. Feel better now after sitting and after reading Kenneth's latest post on 9-stage enlightenment. Very illuminating.

35 mins., very sleepy most of the time, slipped into dreamstates, some of which involved meeting people with dogs. Hm. Probably some sort of archtype. But feels like dissolution. I'd occasionally wake up enough to do noting, something would happen (light flash, itch), and I'd think, uh, light flash, uh, itch. It was like being on weed. I even thought, what the heck, I'm an experienced meditator! What the blank is going on! Then I'd nod off again. It actually was kind of refreshing, though. Maybe I'm just tired and need a nap.

"35 mins., very sleepy most of the time, slipped into dreamstates, some of which involved meeting people with dogs. Hm. Probably some sort of archtype. But feels like dissolution. I'd occasionally wake up enough to do noting, something would happen (light flash, itch), and I'd think, uh, light flash, uh, itch. It was like being on weed. I even thought, what the heck, I'm an experienced meditator! What the blank is going on! Then I'd nod off again. It actually was kind of refreshing, though. Maybe I'm just tired and need a nap."

Hah, read through my log when I was in Dissolution this time around. Same exact thing - nodding off, super sleepy. Happened for a few days and then things accelerated really fast after I got out of it. Just do your best through it.

Thanks, Russell; and thanks for continuing to post on your thread all this time. It really is valuable for people to be able to see what others have done and are doing. I don't know that I managed to congratulate you on second path, so let me do so now. You are inspiring me to go for it! Plus some of the suffering of the past couple of weeks is acting as a motivator. It's awkward to realize that only going to distance is going to take care of this stuff.

I said in #122 that I wasn't sure if it was dissolution or if I just needed a nap; still don't really know, b/c I sat for about 15 mins. a little while ago and got the mild itches and mild rocking motion again. But of course there is all that looping around that we do, so maybe it was. I will say this: once I get eq. this time around I'm not going to rest on my laurels (haha) and slide back to the dukkhas for 3 or 4 more months the way I did last time; at least I hope not!