Laurel's Practice II

It has been relevant to my own practice to recognize all of this as happening "out of the blue," letting go of the illusion that one is in control of the experience of reality just as it is. It has seemed to me that any time there is that tendency to grasp at being someone who is running the show, it crashes into the natural flow of reality, creating a sense of disconnect and tension. It is easy to perceive that as willful, but I have found it is not really. For example, a period of tension, fear, doubt, etc. ("dark night" type stuff) might arise - by itself, as part of the natural process - and then eventually it fades into a period of release and openness - by itself. One tends to struggle against the tension, more vigorously at first, then gradually less vigorously - but that struggle is also spontaneous, arising from habit, karma, human instinct, etc. When one struggles hard, it creates more suffering. When one struggles less, then tension is simply tension. It's like the tides of the ocean or the sun rising and setting - part of the rhythm of the process that is cleansing away delusion. The more the delusion falls away, the less strongly and less frequently the periods of tension arise, and the more subtle their manifestation. One cannot make periods of opening happen, nor make periods of tension happen. Practices (such as noting, surrender, prayer, etc. in various traditions) serve more to keep nudging one into alignment with the natural flow. Not by some sort of willful control of anything, but by letting go of trying to control anything. Does that make sense to anyone else? Fine if it doesn't.

Just to add, I think that it can be very productive for beginners in particular and some personality types in general to be motivated by teaching that encourages effort, because it helps them engage with the practice from where they are and how they perceive things. But I have met very few people who are awake who don't look at effort as an illusion and perhaps even as a joke. That's part of the revelation of awakening, commonly. So there is a good purpose for method-driven, ritualistic or other "do this and then this will happen" type practices at certain phases or for certain people for whom that will keep them motivated, determined and strengthen their practice. Nothing wrong with it.

I'm loving this conversation. Laurel, I know you said the first time this happened to you, you were very destabilized. How are these new experiences different and why do you think they are not so scary? I still get these weird not-self moments, but most of the time they come up out of the blue in conversation and I get terribly overwhelmed and destabilized like I am not sure who the person is talking to, etc... Fear still comes and not joy for some reason. The only times where I have had these joyous versions of it have been in the honeymoon after 2nd path, but its faded again and had another kind of scary version today at a restaurant.

I had a phone conversation this afternoon with Kenneth and he was telling me about Ken Wilbur's 1-2-3 practice. It sounded interesting to view everything from s third, then second, then first person perspective. It also reminded me of this conversation because it makes it so clear that everything is based on the perspective we approach it from:

www.selfknowledge.org/resources/bookreviews/123.htm

I took a look--thanks for the link. What surprises me somewhat is that I always have been attracted to the second-person approach (for example, I love the Christian mystics, especially Meister Eckhart). But now, here I am, and I don't know why.

Russell, I can't say exactly what has changed, but during my post SE period I had all of the physical sensations of anxiety along with the non-dual awareness, and then I began to develop an anxious thought-stream that kept the anxiety alive. It was all entirely new and I was confounded. Then about a month ago, when it happened again, I was intrigued by it and felt not joy so much as peace. I've also had a lot of strong experiences in the past few months of the misery of being bound by my identification with the ego, so I don't feel that there's a fallback position that I actively prefer; in fact, all my anxiety lately has occurred directly in connection with the ego-drama.

I've also been doing grounding practices and sitting less, all of which I think has helped. What giragirasol describes in post 163 above is the antidote in a nutshell. Just yesterday morning I was having an attack of paranoia, thinking I was going crazy. I was exhausted from inadequate sleep, and was at an all-day meeting. I ate a really heavy lunch, and after that I was fine. When I later got hit with the sudden shift away from self-identification I was pleased and intrigued.

You started this practice from a place of anxiety, as I recall, and you've made a lot of progress in a short time. As giragirasol says, you can either continue to tough it out, which is what it appears to me you've been doing, or mitigate the response by the means she's described. I'm choosing the latter course simply because I have a limited tolerance for the static. Either way, though, I get the impression that both of us will be fine.

Well you nailed it on the head. I am a tough it out and get it done kind of person. This probably does not help in some regards because I like to see progress. But at this point I am realizing progress is happening by just sitting, observing and letting things unfold on their own without my interference. There is obviously nothing I can do to make it move faster by trying to nudge things along or figure out where I am on the maps.

Not much practice lately. Some energetic phenomena, tingling and heat/coolness in the body. On the whole, though, am going through bad emotional stuff and painful narratives. I'm going to try to sit this evening. I haven't been sleeping all that well. Actually felt hatred yesterday for the first time in years. Eventually it passed.

I went to a half-day retreat today and it was wonderfully refreshing. I've allowed myself to get sucked into dukkha lately, which has done me no good at all (of course). But I had two sitting and two walking meditations today, plus listened to some good dharma talks, and am ready to get back to it. My two sits were different. The first was deeply absorbed, refreshing, and showed signs of slippery mind followed by fine vibrations, all of which suggests Low EQ. The other was more diffuse, with some pain, some fear, and mild sensations but not the same level of samadhi. In the first session in particular I got some gorgeous light shows and colors, including a deep, velvety purple-blue. I also got a bright white light at one point. The second sit had some light effects as well. Haven't had anything like that in a long time. Both walking sessions were focused.

I sat last evening, and resolved to deal with my insomnia by considering it as an opportunity to practice. It helped a lot. also sat again this morning.

I'm participating in an intensive practice period sponsored by the meditation center I went to yesterday. We'll see how that goes. they're asking us to do between an hour and a half and three hours each morning, sitting and/or walking, plus attend sessions at the center. There are slap talks on dharma seed that everyone will listen to. Should be a good time.

Up at 5:00 yesterday, two half-hour sits with a half-hour walking session in between, followed by yoga. The first sit felt like it took a long, long time. I don't remember much about it except there seemed to be more persistent thought loops than usual, but the net effect was a pleasant way to start the day.

Went to the center last evening, had a 40-minute sit followed by group discussion. On the way up experienced lots of anxiety and fear. Got into my sit, and it was kind of ho-hum through most of it. The windows were open, so I heard airplanes overhead, some street noise, what sounded like a windchime, breezes through trees, people coughing occasionally, whatnot. No spectacular light shows, no deep state of absorption, which I experienced the other night. There were lots of thoughts, lots of tingling all over the body, but nothing bothersome.

Then at a certain point I realized that I could be perfectly content sitting there indefinitely with these sounds and sensations manifesting within and around me. Each momentary awareness was as if it were completely new, there was a sense that time spent was not really spent, just passed away, leaving me with the sensations and sounds that were completely satisfying just as they were. When the chime sounded I was rather surprised that it was over. Then I realized that it wasn't really over, that things were just manifesting in a different way, with people around me moving and talking, and with visual input as well as auditory. I could say that I felt calm and relaxed, but I didn't really feel anything--I wasn't really there. It was like a lovely vacation from me. The rest of the evening passed in that state.

I had the darnedest time going to sleep, though, because there was the tingling and electricity passing up and down all over my body, plus the mind was spinning a bit, trying to grasp onto whatever it was that was happening. I was trying to put it into words. (cont)

(cont.) Not being able to sleep caused concern, but not frustration or active unhappiness. I finally got up and walked for awhile, and eventually made it to sleep.

Today, some tension in the gut, but some peace and calm as well. Couldn't sit this morning because I couldn't get up early, but will get some in as the day progresses. Actually, what I'm feeling right now is a sense of expectancy, almost like joy trying to break through. It's a bit threatening because there's a lot of energy behind it and I'm working at tamping it down a bit.

I've been reading some of AEN's posts quoting Thusness and can't yet get my brain around it. Whatever is happening, I feel as if I'm walking deeper and deeper into something wonderful, away from my constricted self. The ride home last night, for example, was entirely different from the ride up to the center; there was no anxiety manifesting anywhere, just calm and contentment.

"I realized that I could be perfectly content sitting there indefinitely with these sounds and sensations manifesting within and around me. Each momentary awareness was as if it were completely new, there was a sense that time spent was not really spent, just passed away, leaving me with the sensations and sounds that were completely satisfying just as they were. When the chime sounded I was rather surprised that it was over. Then I realized that it wasn't really over, that things were just manifesting in a different way" - Laurel

That's beautiful. Hugs.

That was a high point. I've sat this morning; yesterday was a wash because of the insomnia. The sit feels exactly like low Eq. I heard the jackhammer heartbeat again for the first time in a long, long while, and felt the mild vibrations. It was a bit snoozy. There was a gentle feeling to it and it was pleasant. I also did walking meditation, which was quite distracted, so the situation is unstable. Have a bit of dark night stuff during the day, fear and misery manifesting, but not horrible. Most of it feels like equanimity.

Speaking of the heartbeat: when I was in equanimity for first path it was so pronounced that at one point I actually wondered whether something was going on outside in the street. I can recall having it be an almost constant companion. What's weird is how I haven't been able to hear it at all until today, although the loud ear-ringing has been going on for quite some time. It's good to be back in equanimity. I won't make the mistake I made last time, which was to slack off and land hard back in the Dark Night. Don't want to go back there.

Sounds really promising Laurel, and glad to hear you're determined to keep the practice going strong. Are you doing noting or something else?

I find your insomnia rather interesting. I seem to recall it existed before you had a practice, anyway (due to anxiety?), but now it's largely due to energetic movement? I had a grumpy relationship with sleep before I had a meditation practice (I was cranky in the morning, didn't want to go to bed, hated waking up in the middle of the night, often had muscle pain from tension). At some point when practice set off enough energy stuff that I was constantly waking up and only needing 4-6 hours sleep instead of 8-10, my relationship to it just changed. I just kind of let the whole "I should sleep from 10pm to 7am without waking up" thing go and enjoyed the chaos. I guess I never realized I'd had that imaginary rule until then. I still don't generally sleep through the night, and if I've meditated more than one 30 minute session in a day I'm usually up half the night or way before dawn. I often piddle around the house. Sometimes I cook, do laundry, or write or read. It's very weird. But the word "insomnia" seems pretty meaningless anymore.

"Sounds really promising Laurel, and glad to hear you're determined to keep the practice going strong. Are you doing noting or something else?"

I start out with noting, but eventually drop it for choiceless awareness (that's one term for it). I'll note a bit if I start drifting, then settle into it again.

@giragirasol: I have had a miserable relationship with sleep for years, don't know why, but anxiety is as good a guess as any. I am in the process of letting go of the eight-uninterrupted-hours-a-night expectation. I was beginning to suspect that I just don't need that much, but then yesterday I hit to wall and kept nodding off until I gave up and went to bed at around 9:00, slept the night (waking up several times, though). It's hard to get motivated to get up early and meditate when I haven't slept, or even when I have and am still tired. I'm open to a new way of thinking about it, though.

I guess what I was suggesting is that it seems your relationship to sleep is in the process of changing anyway, and mine certainly has, so it can be interesting to just try to let it do its weird thing (which it's going to do anyway) rather than constantly compare it to a mental ideal of how it should be (but never actually has been) and feeling angry about it not matching the ideal. One can also master the art of dozing while seated (I mastered this due to falling asleep while meditating) which allows all sorts of short half-naps throughout the day with no one the wiser. I always get nappy around 3pm. Ten minutes of half-sleep and a cup of coffee helps a lot.

"I guess what I was suggesting is that it seems your relationship to sleep is in the process of changing anyway, and mine certainly has, so it can be interesting to just try to let it do its weird thing (which it's going to do anyway) rather than constantly compare it to a mental ideal of how it should be (but never actually has been) and feeling angry about it not matching the ideal."

Gira, I had an aha! moment and a blinding flash of the obvious reading this comment. I really like the point that the relationship with sleep is changing and will continue to change. Like Laurel, I too have had an antagonistic relationship with the changes in my sleep. It's somehow been easier to watch stuff change moment-to-moment than watching longer-term changes. Doh! It makes so much sense.

Today has been the mother of all bad days. My sits have been Low EQ quite consistently, but I'm battling anxiety because I decided to tackle my driving phobia head-on after months of EMDR. My therapist says I've gotten past the initial trauma, and as I check out my memory of it, I think she's right. But I still don't want to go out on the highway. I am opting to make short sorties every single day, in a program of desensitization. I began this morning. It was fine, but the thought of going out there day in and day out and doing something for which I still have an intense aversion has got me down. It feels unbelievably heavy.

So there it is. I have not had the energy to sit with the feeling because I just want to escape. I am trying to surrender to it. I have, actually, succeeded to an extent in surrendering to the fact that I have felt lousy all day. Vedana is unpleasant, unpleasant, unpleasant. This has popped any bubble I might have had of being in control.

My son is experiencing dukkha with friendship issues. I've told him there will be periods in his life that will be less satisfying than other times. This just may be one of them. This is what is being known now.

You are very brave.

Thanks so much--I am fighting off feeling really, really silly, because I'm only doing what millions of people do every day, but I am finally realizing that I am not millions of people, and that in fact no one is. Things are getting better, or at least were better today. I get on the highway, drive all of 2 miles to the next interchange, and get off. I do metta practice the whole time. In the meanwhile, I continue to sit, and get back into low equanimity (I note sensations, thoughts, and whatnot for awhile, then start to get slippery mind, then get very fine vibrations). There's a ringing in the ears and a loud heartbeat.

Yesterday was pretty much lost to paralysis. That will happen sometimes. It's not pleasant, but it passes. I'm giving my son permission to feel bad when he has to, and giving myself the same permission. Today felt much better. Tomorrow I have a daylong retreat planned.

Let no one downplay the courage this process requires!

Our inner life IS our life, IS our fear, IS our anxiety, IS IS IS. So to face that is just as dangerous feeling as it is to face the proverbial hungry tiger. That's what Dark Night is - facing the tiger within. The cool thing is that facing up to the fear is what brings us to the place where the fear has so little traction. Counter-intuitive but so so so true.

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You are very brave.

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Ditto on this. Very inspiring Laurel. Keep it up!

Thanks, guys. I'm looking forward to experiencing life with fear shrunk down to its proper size. Not there yet, but not giving up.

For what it's worth, I had a terrible fear of heights for decades. I was also terrified of flying. Yesterday I was at a theme park on a ride, hundreds of feet in the air, looking straight down -- it didn't bother me in the least. Now flying for me is no different than riding in a car. So it can happen. I wish I had the answer as to how these things change, but at least you have a plan, so stick with it!