Laurel's Practice II

Laurel, you are going to continue down the path no matter what, so might as well resolve to keep going. Maybe even starting out like a beginner again and doing 15 min here and there and bumping up the time from there. But there is no reason to beat yourself up or get discouraged about not practicing. I think its really hard to think that your motivation is going to be as high as it was right before SE in High Equanimity, so realize that and start over. Motivation will build back up on its own as it needs to.

Plus, I think the muddledness (is that even a word) of post-path stuff is a contributer to low motivation. Everything is pretty clear before SE, then it gets pretty jumbled and confusing, but at the same time, you don't care as much about maps, etc... I can't even imagine how confusing it gets after 2nd path. There is a reason not a lot of people have written about the subsequent paths as clearly as they have about 1st.

Thanks, Russell; yes, I notice that a lot of people post frantically leading up to a path, and then suddenly there's a major drop-off (not everyone, though). I think it's important to talk about our experiences so others won't be blindsided. In my case, though, I'm beginning to realize that the combination of recovery from surgery (which is a trauma to the body) and a flare-up of the fibromyalgia has contributed to the way I've experienced this transition. So I'm stepping back from it all and not globalizing.

I meditated for 30 mins. this morning, and felt pleasant vibrations, some in the third eye area, occasional dreaminess, mild aches and pains, some restlessness, some softly shifting lights. During the day or as I'm resting at night I'll notice variations in heat in the body, and mild, pleasant tingling. I am beginning to want to begin another path now, but no frantic urgency.

Good job. No urgency is quite alright. All will happen, when it happens.

Nothing keeps happening on the cushion, in that I haven't gone there. I have been suffering from chronic insomnia lately, the pattern of waking up for hours at about 2:00 to 3:00, then going back to sleep toward morning. I am tired but managing. My pain threshold is very low, and my back and shoulders tight and in pain all the time.

I have watched more emotions come back, the most recent being anger. I have to say that I'm not happy to see it again. But one interesting wrinkle is that I seem to see myself dip into a mind-state, stay there for awhile, and then emerge, only to dip into a different one. I've watched myself cycle back and forth between feeling that life is good, everything is calm, and the world is just as it ought to be; and feeling that the world is a hostile, threatening place. The first mind-state is accompanied by feelings of contentment and happiness, while the second is accompanied by fear. I've been watching fear and happiness manifest and then subside, manifest again and then subside. I don't really control any of it.

As for the anger: it only really happened once, when I got lost in a story. I stayed there for a couple of days and then reemerged.

I am not enjoying my insomnia, but I'm not particularly bothered by it either. Old patterns of fear that I'm not getting everything done come and go, and I watch it all.

Laurel - have you heard of second sleep? You might find this wikipedia article interesting: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Segmented_sleep

It may be just a normal pattern for you? You mentioned being less bothered by it lately. I pretty typically wake up around then. Whether I fall right back asleep or not depends on a lot of life factors, but I no longer find it anxiety-producing. I sometimes just enjoy laying there in the dark pondering things, or doing nothing, or I listen to a podcast on headphones, or if I'm very awake I might get up and take a cup of tea or write for a bit. Of course, sometimes I'm more tired the next day, but not always. Anyway, just a thought.

Thanks for the link! I'd heard of this, but hadn't taken it all that seriously, but it warrants a second look, I think. I don't exhibit this pattern all the time, but will sometimes finding it happening. I'm beginning to think maybe I'm not such a dysfunctional person after all.

30 mins. this late afternoon pleasant, easygoing, noting sounds, sensations, thoughts; drifted a bit, not quite into a dream, but twice had the strange experience of an embodiment of negativity of some kind (like a disapproving voice) and thinking, wait a minute, that's just another aspect of *me* speaking, and I do *not* endorse this message, and it melted away. Huh. More precisely, there was an observer, and then a harsh thought observed that seemed to take on a form, and then the observer saw through it as a fiction.

More middle of the night awakeness; decided to do 30 mins. The time seems very, very long to me. Settled with 3x10 focus on the breath at the nostrils, then noting, which I sometimes dropped in favor of open awareness. Noted sounds (lots of loud ear ringing, hammering heartbeat), sensations (my surgery scar aching like crazy), lots of random thoughts that flickered through awareness and then disappeared, some mild fear sensations, and then something odd: not just the visual field, but somehow my whole system seemed to sense colors, first aqua, then a light orange, ending with brown. I also experienced a sense of quiet absorption, no vibrations, but a solid, grounded, yet not heavy feeling, breath very subtle, almost as if the entire organism was quietly throbbing. Rather pleasant. This eventually broke up a bit and there was some restlessness, checked the timer not out of impatience but just out of a sense that time had stretched itself out, feeling curious about it. There were almost 2 minutes left.

I'm wishing I could attend the Virtual Sangha, but my server doesn't support Google+. I emailed the administrator about it, hope that yields results but I'm not holding my breath.

hi laurel! i've read some of your practise notes and i wanted to say hi. i'm glad you got to experience such a nice mind state in your last practise. you describe it very well. maybe it will help with the motivation to experience stuff like that... jacki.

Thanks for dropping by, Jacki! My motivation does seem to be improving. Had another, similar sit this morning for half an hour. Some of the same color awareness came up; I was at a practice session at the local sangha and I brought it up in discussion. What seems to be happening is my mind is spinning colors as well as thoughts as a way to keep busy. The important thing is to notice it without getting distracted.

Hey Laurel, I have mentioned this elsewhere, but I think you might find Nirmala's book, "Nothing Personal" quite helpful. By getting stream entry, we now think that there are certain things we shouldn't be doing or experiencing - but attainment doesn't get us out of experience. Nirmala's suggestion is to get very curious about our experience, even contracted experience that we don't like.

Orasis, that book sounds interesting. An attitude of curiosity is super helpful. @both of you - I think that you hit on the crux of something everyone has to deal with: wanting things to be different (ie grasping and aversion)... it seems to me the deeper our practice goes, the more we get to identify grasping and aversion at more and more subtle levels. The gift of shifts or openings or deepers stages is the ability to see even more clearly what's going on. But the trick is ever coming back to letting go of wanting to change things. Which can seem frustrating (but, but, but, I don't want to feel like this!) but ironically it is the letting go of wanting to change things that allows the really deep changes to blossom. Thoughts?

Hi Laurel,

I checked out Nirmala's books and they are pretty good. Thanks Orasis for the recommendation. Nirmala is giving away his e-book "Meeting the Mystery: Exploring the Aware Presence at the Heart of All Life" for free today.

www.amazon.com/gp/product/B007FT4YJW/ref...ativeASIN=B007FT4YJW

I think Orasis has expressed the essence of how to get deeper at any level of practice - get curious and pay even closer attention, and to those arising things that are the most troublesome. Painful as it is, it is the way.

I got a few of his books on my Kindle and am going to settle down and do some reading. Right now I'm wondering about doing some jhana practice; I tried working with a Kasina for the first time, using a black top to a large jar, which I taped to the wall. I felt some problem with eyestrain and mild headache; also, towards the end my eyes closed and I drifted off. Before that happened I watched the lid jump around, develop halos, and a ghostly double. It seemed I was more focused than when I just use the breath, but I'm not sure it's going to work in the long term. I'm casting around for a bit, but I am by no means going to give up on noting.

Back to the noting. Interesting sit: lots of ear noise, more intense and pervasive than I've ever had it, to the point of drowning out the heartbeat. Then there were aches, itches, and fear followed by sadness, plus a lot of multiplication of thoughts, then about a 5-minute color show, then moisture in the mouth, more itches, aching in the thumb joint, a heavy, sluggish feeling, tingling up and down the body, flashing lights (not particularly bright, but noticeable), and deep relaxation.

Difficult day today; woke at 5:45 with another nightmare (my favorite coffin theme), couldn't get the nasty feeling to go away. Then as the day began lost my temper with my son and stomped around scolding him for about 10 minutes, feeling like a total jerk. Then spent most of the morning feeling distracted and mildly nauseated. About the only thing I can say is it could be worse, I suppose. I'm on break from work and these kinds of transitions are hard for me, believe it or not, regardless of how much I long for a few days off. Everything hurts, for example--my surgery, my fibro points, my head. I suppose that contributed to the attack of bad temper.

Anyway, that's off cushion. On the cushion: a long slog of a session that lasted only 30 mins. Got nice and calm, even blissful with the settling portion, then began noting. Noted sounds, ear ringing again, not much itching, an ache here and there, random thoughts and sounds, fear that could pass for excitement (sense of stimulation in the midsection), but then got progressively sleepier. So I spent most of the session struggling between sleeping and waking. I thought I'd been at it forever, checked the timer, and had 7 minutes left. 7 minutes! Indulged in some annoyance and amazement and got back to it. More sleepiness. Perhaps I should have taken a nap instead of tried to meditate. I'm probably sleep deprived because of the nightmare.

On the whole I'm trying to pay attention to all this stuff, even the tantrum. Noted a desire to control, to assert my will, to be listened to, obeyed, and respected (in my dreams, I know), then afterward noted constriction, sick feeling, pain. Later, just before the meditation session, went for a walk, was tempted to play stories in my head, instead watched the sky, the birds, the pond, the greening grass, houses, streets, everything. That had a taste of freedom about it.

I'm going to elaborate for the sake of thoroughness: this morning I felt a sense of despair, fear, and a recurrence of feeling that life itself is deeply miserable, wishing I had never been born or, failing that, that I could just disappear, not exist. I was haunted by my mother's death and fears for my own death. I am not in dark night, or at least I don't think so, but I experienced with a certain starkness the vulnerability and suffering of a mind that is still entangled with the separate self. I found this mindstate so unpleasant that I coped by means of distraction, reading news sites on the internet. Couldn't quite escape the fact that I was buying myself time, trying to get past the unpleasantness. Was able to move through it, yet I am aware of the inadequacy of such solutions.

Eventually it just ran its course and passed on its own. I've been relatively content for most of this afternoon. This has in fact characterized my experience lately: periods of dukkha that strike from time to time and then pass.

Nice notes, Laurel. I find that sleepiness is a consciousness state that arises cyclically in meditation, and often has very little to do with being actually tired. Be aware of trying to avoid unpleasantness. The more you can accept it without trying to avoid it, the more progress you make. Ultimately you will discover you can be with unpleasantness more often than not without the secondary anxiety, panic, wanting to run away, etc. and that makes "unpleasantness" a heck of a lot less unpleasant. When you fight it, you give it more power, ironically. Metta practice is enormously helpful, too. Are you still working with a teacher?

Thanks, Ona; I'm going to try to take your advice. It's typical for me, when I wake up in a sweat like that (or when I feel miserable during the day), to thrash around trying to get away from the feeling. It's time to try another approach.

I haven't had a lesson in awhile; probably a good idea to get back at it. I didn't want to without at least getting into a daily meditation habit again. I am beginning to reestablish it, finally.

you might be interested in this.

www.amazon.com/Art-Disappearing-Buddhas-.../ref=tmm_pap_title_0

P.S. i had an angry outburst at one of my kids yesterday. must be catching.

With the nightmares, maybe make a little slogan or something, taking inspiration from a favorite sutra or book about practice. You can repeat it gently to yourself to stabilize when very disoriented from a bad dream. Like "it's just phenomena arising and passing away" or "what a fascinating collection of symbols and sensations this dream has produced!" or for that matter, reciting the metta practice words, like "may I be safe, etc." The metta practice words are something you can recite to yourself under your breath any time you have a difficult moment, not just during a formal sit. Just an idea.

Thanks, JackWick; I just downloaded it to my Kindle. My Kindle has more dharma books than anything else on it now! As for blowing up at kids: mine was unbelievably sweet yesterday afternoon, telling me I was the best mom in the world. It's as if he's training me to lose my temper-haha!

Ona, I have tried metta; I'll try it again. Sometimes the panic is so overwhelming that the metta doesn't touch it, but I think developing a more regular metta practice can help make it a refuge.

Early morning practice, 30 mins. Again, the time feels as if it's stretching out endlessly; I checked it again about 2/3 of the way through. This elongation of time doesn't feel like garden-variety restlessness, seems like something else again, but I don't know what it is.

Settled into panoramic feeling with the third sequence of 10 breaths, then began noting. Noting was erratic and slow, at many points impossible; throughout the sit there was an alternation between dream imagery and extremely fine vibrations, mostly over the top part of the body. The dream imagery brought up "stuff": in one iteration I encountered both my parents; they were under the desk across the room, my father was there and my mother was on her deathbed, he was inviting me to join them. I watched from a distance feeling no emotion; then alertness returned and vibrations. It was hard to note much, although there were some aches and pains and sounds. Another sleepy session featured my son, but I can't remember what I thought or said. The feeling tone was neutral throughout. The vibrations were relaxing and pleasant. There was some restlessness, however, almost boredom with everything that was happening. There were also occasional bursts of color, not in the visual field so much as in the mind.

"I'm going to elaborate for the sake of thoroughness: this morning I felt a sense of despair, fear, and a recurrence of feeling that life itself is deeply miserable, wishing I had never been born or, failing that, that I could just disappear, not exist. I was haunted by my mother's death and fears for my own death. I am not in dark night, or at least I don't think so, but I experienced with a certain starkness the vulnerability and suffering of a mind that is still entangled with the separate self. I found this mindstate so unpleasant that I coped by means of distraction, reading news sites on the internet. Couldn't quite escape the fact that I was buying myself time, trying to get past the unpleasantness. Was able to move through it, yet I am aware of the inadequacy of such solutions.

Eventually it just ran its course and passed on its own. I've been relatively content for most of this afternoon. This has in fact characterized my experience lately: periods of dukkha that strike from time to time and then pass. "

Laurel,

You recently got stream entry correct? You are going to run into the dukkha nanas on a regular cyclical basis. When these things come a good strategy may be to note.

As you noticed, it did pass on it's own eventually.

"This has in fact characterized my experience lately: periods of dukkha that strike from time to time and then pass."

We call that cycling around here. The progress of insight is going to loop around like that for you without any effort go forward.

Thanks, mu. This I have to admit has been a source of confusion for me: I thought what would happen is I'd start another path and climb through the nanas the way I did before, one by one. I couldn't imagine that the dukkhas are my edge yet. But what's happening instead is this cycling you talk about. I get tingling and little lights flashing, for example, or calm, or misery. I had nausea and disgust as well yesterday; desire of deliverance also put in an appearance. So what does it mean to be on second path? how can I tell where I am? Is what goes on in daily life different from the place one is at in meditation?

I will in fact note all this stuff assiduously during the day from now on. If nothing else, I'm hoping the noting will keep me from acting out the way I did yesterday.

Metta's one of those things it pays to do every day for 15 minutes, even when you think "it's not working" - the resentment, the resistance to doing it because "it's not working" is part of what gets worked through. A lot of practices seep into your brain and do their work "behind the scenes" even when they don't make you tingle or laugh while you are doing them. Unexpected and longer term effects arise. Even rote recitation of it every day will gradually work its "magic".