Laurel's Practice II

You are grasping the bull by the horns - changing your actions even if you can't change how you feel. In my experience this can be a very effective way for dealing with powerful issues which threaten to overwhelm life. Good on you! I think what you told your son is very wise too, thanks for sharing that.

I read this quote upthread from Betawave, I know you read this already, but I think it bears repeating: "This work isn't about antidotes, it's simply about really feeling the poison. The rest just happens from that direct experience."

Hang in there!

I allowed myself to feel the poison on the way over to the throughway today, and what it was telling me was that I'm going to die. Of course I told myself, don't be ridiculous, you're not going to die on a 2-mile trip down the road, but then I realized that the truth is that I am going to die, we all are going to die, and that's what fear and panic attacks are all about. My latest hypothesis is that phobias are where this insight gets stuck. We think that if we can just control the phobia, then our life will be permanent, satisfactory, and grounded in a solid self. The phobia is me getting a clue. It's a form of insight.

Okay, now on to my practice yesterday: I went to the meditation center for most of a day. My sits were plagued by overwhelming sleepiness, but I wasn't really tired. So the dreams that kept coming on and on relentlessly were part of the meditation. My evening sit reverted to itches followed by kriyas. It was uncomfortable, but I stuck it out.

I have been having a hard time getting through a half-hour sit these days. Yesterday evening I tried anapanasati, and felt such muscle tension that I gave up after a little over 15 minutes. This morning I did vipassana for 30 minutes, but it was a struggle. There were many unhappy thoughts, lots of dark-night stuff, until finally I shifted over into equanimity with gentle vibrations. Then I did some yoga.

Much anxiety off-cushion lately. I had an acupuncture session yesterday, and am interested to see what happens as a result.

My generalized anxiety seems to be calming down, finally. I'm also getting a more pragmatic attitude toward my desensitization project, and while it's still unpleasant, I'm not as attached to the fear as I was even last week. I have, however, recently had a harrowing experience with another individual that left me breathless; she responded to an off-hand remark I'd made with a great deal of vehemence and anger, and painted a picture of "me" in an email that I could not recognize. It was uncanny. Unfortunately the encounter triggered a massive indulgence in rumination from which I am still having problems disengaging. I know the appropriate response is to ask, who is feeling unfairly treated here? who is feeling misunderstood? who wants vindication? who is confused and craves clarity? But it doesn't do any good. It seems to need to run its silly course. Oh well.

I have meditated most days, but have a slight aversion to sitting, fearful of being left alone to penetrate too deeply into my own mind. When I do, the experience is similar to what it's been all along recently: low equanimity. What I'm trying to do is give myself a chance to take whatever time I need to get through this process. I'm seeing other people zooming down the path and wish that were me. Instead, I'm sauntering, stopping not to smell the roses, but the skunk cabbage.

I'm also wondering, however, whether such phenomena as phobias and social anxieties require special attention that meditation practice alone can't solve. The person with whom I had the unpleasant encounter considers herself to be highly realized, yet she took deep personal exception to something I said, and reacted with a total lack of empathy. If we don't stop to take care of our "stuff" as it comes up, do we drag it down the path with us? That's not a rhetorical question.

This will sound trite and overly simple but, Laurel, have you tried just letting this stuff go? Sit down, get calm and just let .... it .... go. You seem to struggle and try so hard, You are so courageous, yet it worries me that you can't relax and just be for even short periods.

Please take break from trying, okay?

see other thread about taking care of our stuff, eh? most of our rudeness, grumpiness, bitchiness, and all that related stuff basically comes down to ego-defense. i think sometimes the more productive way to cope with a scenario like you describe is to get out of the 'me me me' zone and think about the other person. she must be pretty fragile inside to react so strongly. that must be a pretty hard way to live, being so fragile. metta to her, embrace her suffering, not as your responsibility, but just in gentle sympathy. you dont have to fix anything. just gently hold that moment of confusion and pain, then release ut to the universe.

i think sometimes the 'there's no one here to suffer' strategy can lead to (or support the maintenance of) a real coldness and lack of consideration for others. life is pretty hard for most everyone, and we're all in it together.

"
This will sound trite and overly simple but, Laurel, have you tried just letting this stuff go? Sit down, get calm and just let .... it .... go. You seem to struggle and try so hard, You are so courageous, yet it worries me that you can't relax and just be for even short periods.

Please take break from trying, okay?



"

that works, too.

Laurel, another strategy might be to sit and let these feelings wash over you for a bit, even though they're likely to feel overwhelming for a while, The part that needs to be realized is that what you are experiencing is ***just feeling and emotion.*** Typically your fear is the fear of feeling bad, not of anything external, it's nothing that is actually in the world, so to speak. I'm not recommending this practice unless you feel strong enough to attempt it, but over time just being with these feelings, experiencing them as fully as possible, has allowed a lot of openings in my practice.

My sense of your situation is that you need to find a way to create some space around these things and not obsess over them. That's waaaay easier said than done, of course, and the path to getting there is going to engender some pain and require courage, but as I see it one thing you have going for you is courage, and in spades.

Thanks, both of you. I know I overdo it with trying and with allowing the anxiety to get to me. I have been doing this for decades. I can realize freedom for a short period, only to get plunged in again.

Giragirasol, I did think about the other person for awhile; the hard part has been releasing the whole situation to the universe. It does let go eventually, but it takes a long time to get there. Cmarti, I know my fear is the fear of feeling bad. That's all it is. Part of what feels bad is the belief that I have to justify myself to others or else stand condemned of some awful infraction. This is a dynamic that is still so powerful for me. When it gets activated I just flop around helplessly for awhile until I get to the other side of it.

One of my retreat teachers emphasized that we don't have to believe our thoughts. This was a wonderful lesson, but I can't always act on it. Well, onward and upward.

I'll take another look at the thread Chris has started. Thanks again.

Cool.

Just keep in mind that your freedom lies on the other side of the pain.

and ironically the fear of feeling bad is what makes you feel bad. it's a little demon that feeds itself.

you might contemplate this. what if i were the sort of person who didn't happen to have that pattern of stabbing ten more arrows into every wound? what would it be like not to react with the fear of feeling bad? can you imagine? is it unknown? is the unknown scarier than the familiar habit?

can you see that its a game, a dance, thats completely arbitrary? there are so many choices. imagine trying this one: person gets upset with you, and in response you begin jumping up and down making chicken sounds and flapping your arms. laughter is a great way to step back from the cliff for a moment.

I talked to Ron about this recently. I would not necessarily recommend doing it this way (the balls to the wall method I seem to have been doing) for everyone. It's almost a bit like Daniel says in his intro warning in MCTB though not as dramatic. Regardless, the cycling has made my anxiety much worse at times, made my relationships with people I am close to suffer in a way, and been very destabilizing and confusing at times. That being said, I have seen glimpses of what it can be like when there is less selfing and therefore I am willing to put up with a lot of **** before I put on the brakes. But I understand most people are not like this.

I have a close friend who has been meditating doing yoga for 10 years and her path has been much slower but much more gentle. She has gone through Dark Night like times but they are no where near as painful.

So the answer to you last question. Yeah the 'stuff' comes along with us on this ride. Gets worse sometimes, gets much better other times. But the further you progress you start to break these things down and truly realize why and how our "stuff" happens to us anyways. However, you need to be the judge of what you can take and when you aren't feeling up to really diving in a observing the 3C's, do more gentle practices such as shamatha and metta that can help relax you a bit. At this point you will only progress (you know that) but you can do things to help yourself cruise along more smoothly. Nothing wrong with slower progress. In fact, it may be very beneficial to put a governor on things at times.

Edit: As far as the letting go this goes. I agree with what Chris and gira said. I was so confused and frustrated a couple of weeks ago. It wasn't until I let go that gentle progress started to show itself again and I feel a huge burden lifted.

@Chris: I know the freedom is there, because I've felt it, briefly. I have a feeling that some day I'll wonder what the fuss was all about.

@gira: What a laugh! I think I'll try it, or maybe bob my head and chatter like a parakeet. That would be sweet.

@Russell: The fact is, slowing down does not seem to reduce suffering for me, so it's not like I'm doing so much better by doing that. But even if it may be a good idea to move things along, I have a feeling that I'm not even in control of how quickly I do this. So I'll just do what I do and know that I'm moving toward more freedom all the time.

Thanks everyone!

Time for an update. I've continued to sit for most days, and the phenomena are about the same: I take awhile to get settled, then I find lots of tingling up and down the body, which settles into mild vibrations. Thoughts come and go, slippery mind. Jackhammer heartbeat and loud ear ringing. This morning I also got mild kriyas, rocking motion. I guess I need to just sit with all of this, more often than I've been doing and for longer, if possible.

How long do you typically sit?

For half an hour per session. I used to sit longer, but these days that's the most I can comfortably do.

Ah, I see. I asked because helpful shifts or insights tend to arrive in the last 10 or 15 minutes of longer sits (for me). Disregard if you've already considered this, but could a change help? I mean like laying down, or some kind of movement/walking meditation?

You also deliberately faced a big source of anxiety recently, so I would echo Russell's suggestion of (perhaps) slowing down. I agree that the practice has a way of "doing us" and pushing us along, but a gentle intention to attend to other activities/people can really open things up. This can also help to let go of the need for results to take a certain shape, if that makes sense. I hope this is helpful,

metta

I have done walking and am working on tai chi, all of which I think will help. Thanks--and actually, you inspired me to work at a longer sit last evening, which I almost managed to do (stopped just short of 45 min.). I got totally sick of the shaking and rocking and twitching. Just when I thought I was going for slippery mind and vibrations, I got the kriyas from hell. Lots of itches on the face, some on the rest of the body, but overall lots of movement. I sure wish I knew what that was all about. Oh well, to be continued.

Last evening did anapanasati, got to what I think was 4th jhana, but after about 35 minutes was ready to pull out of it and go to bed. Reasonably peaceful night, for me.

This a.m., did 35 minutes. Began with 3x10 focus on the breath, then switched to noting. This session followed my usual pattern more closely, settling into vibrations that began to build in intensity. Dreamlike features, things came and went into awareness. Jackhammer heartbeat and lots of ear ringing. Then at one point everything seemed to stop, like hitting the pause button on a video. It was not dramatic at all; I could have simply stopped paying attention for a minute. Then it was as if I'd taken it back to an earlier point to restart it. There was after that a mounting bliss wave, very nice, which peaked and then began to subside. I sat quietly for awhile after that, still heard the jackhammer. The session seemed longer than it actually was (this has been the case for awhile now). Feel very relaxed, kind of woozy, actually.

Sounds like fruition, Laurel.

It does, but I don't know yet. I have a notion that I may have dreamed the whole thing. I'm feeling kind of out of it, though. Went for a bike ride and then took a nap. It's hot, and a July 4th crowd is about to descend on us in about 4 hours. It will be strenuous. I'm going to try to sit again this afternoon before the onslaught.

Wow. Sounds like it to me too. Staying tuned. Good work regardless Laurel.

Okay, had another sit. It's been about 8 hours or so since the sit this morning. This felt like I was at the bottom of a very deep ocean. There was a sense almost of being submerged, the whole head felt heavy, as when one's ears are stuffed with cotton. There was ear ringing, but the heartbeat came and went. There were fragile thought threads, some visual some not, that came and went. At one point I felt as if I were sorting them out and disposing of them, putting them in their places. There were moments of tension in the midsection that might have been fear but seemed more to be excitement. Then there was tingling, but I've been getting lots of that lately as it is. At one point it felt that there was a buildup of sorts, but it tapered off; in fact, there were probably lots of buildups that just tapered off. It was like being in dreamland without being asleep. I could hear everything around me (mostly the air conditioner blasting away) but it was irrelevant.

I just learned yesterday that someone I knew when I was young died about a dozen years ago (he was about my age--an old love, actually). This has been haunting me off and on all day. Thoughts of this person and the circumstances of our relationship kept cycling in and out of my mind, floating. There was not much emotion attached to any of it. Maybe that's part of what I'm trying to sort out and put where it belongs, who knows, but I'm having thoughts about death.

I'm mildly concerned that I'm grasping at a path, so I'm trying to be cautious and not think things are happening when they're not. We'll see.

Between yesterday evening and all day today I've been feeling sadness and grief. There's been a sense of vertigo, the emptiness of all experience, and loss. In addition, I haven't been sleeping well. I sat for half an hour late this afternoon, and it was something similar to yesterday's sit. I didn't fall asleep, but I was dreamy. There were also annoying itches, not the 3C's kind, but more pinpointed at various places on the body, one at a time. I broke down and scratched twice. After the sit was over the depression seemed to have abated somewhat; I think it's possible that a half hour of insight practice, staying in the present, was a good antidote to melancholy nostalgia. But I'm not out of the woods with it.

I've got a skype session scheduled with Beth tomorrow, which I am very much looking forward to.

Just FYI, learning that an old love has died is a perfectly valid reason to feel sadness/grief and remember him.

The deep contemplation is nice. "Like being in dreamland without being asleep."