Meekan's meek journal

After yesterday's and today's sits. Not much of lingering sadness really.
Even though I blew up in sadness and anger during the sits.
I have had a few, short bursts of anxiety during the days, but seems different tham a couple of days ago.
But not much of sensations vanishing or such...

45 minutes.
right into fear, followed by sadness, self-coaching thought (open up, study)
tension, (brief) pulsing, pain
after quite some while: slight calm, pressure, tension
then intense sadness, self-pity, self-coaching thought (see above)
followed by nausea, disgust (hope I am not scripting this)
sadness, fear, tension, pain
then calm again
sad, tension,
towards the end intense impatience, disappointment, self-coaching thoughts
urge to jump ship, self-coaching thought
calm, impatience

at this moment really feels like I've taken 15 steps back again (but that's the way it goes for me, I s'pose)

The Tenth Ñana: Knowledge of Re-Observation

This is where the ancient Buddhist namers of ñanas fell down on the job. The innocuous-sounding Knowledge of Re-Observation, tenth of the sixteen insight knowledges, is a wolf in sheep's clothing. Books have been written about it. It is the stuff legends are made of. This is the Dark Night of the Soul, and the Agony in the Garden. Although some yogis are able to pass through this stage relatively easily, it is common for a yogi's life to be completely disrupted by the tenth ñana.

When the yogi attains to the crest of the wave in the fourth ñana, he believes that he has arrived at his destination. From here on in, he reasons, life should be a breeze. Even if he has been warned, he does not believe the warnings. He is completely unprepared for what is to come and is blindsided by the fury of the tenth ñana, which consists of the four previous ñanas of fear, misery, disgust, and desire for deliverance repeating themselves in a seemingly endless loop, and worse with each iteration. In addition, the strong concentration of the fourth ñana seems to have disappeared; there is no respite from the unpleasantness and negative mind states that flood the body and mind.

kennethfolkdharma.wetpaint.com/page/The+...f+Insight+(Part+Two)

Here we go again...
Seems I have a real hard time reading about it from where I am.
Yet when you say it in a comment like that it makes sense.
Thought I had to go through the cycle where this time i jumped right into DN.
Also this period hasn't been constant dark. There have been good times thrown in to the mix...
But now things are really crappy.
Thanks again, Mu. I wouldn't have seen it without your help!

"The yogi obsesses about his progress, is sure that he is back-sliding, and devises all manner of strategies to "get back" what he has lost." from the same page you quoted.
yes sireee...
And this along with Antero's earlier assessment... Thanks guys!

Is it just me, or has this place been pretty quiet the last week?
Only time for short 20 min
Tired, motion, stretch, pain, itching, tired, imaging thought, wandering, tired

Yeah, pretty quiet lately. Reading this thread makes me want to re-study the ñanas. I haven't the slightest idea where I am regarding those. I get hints here and there, but I don't know the maps well, so I can't really align the territory with its representation. But it does help. It you're going through Re-Observation, sounds like it would be very important to recognize that that's what's happening. Hmmm....

I am totally worthless at the map thing myself, so I am grateful that I get helpful pointers here and there...
It adds to my wanting to keep up the practice at these times when things are chaotic and at times feel like practice is totally worthless!
Glad to hear that reading the log is helpful!!

45 minutes
Sadness, tension, pulsing, self-coaching thoughts (open up, surrender, embrace)
Catastrophizing thoughts (what if I am stuck here?)
After dome time, calm
Sadness, tension, self-coaching thoughts, disappointment, tired, sadness
Calm, calm, expansion
Sadness, sadness, wishing thought, catastrophizing thought, sadness
Calm, calm
Sadness, fear, tension
Calm
Sadness, disappointment, judging thought, disappointment, tension
Impatience, irritation

(I want to surrender and study, and yet there seems to be a part of me fighting that perpetuates this state. Yuck, I'm sick of it, on and off the sitting)

Sounds like a *****! Hang in there, remember it's impermanent and not you. As far as getting stuck, I think there's way too much compassion in this place to let that happen to you. The only way around is through, and you'll learn a lot from the experience. Which may just sound like empty words, but almost everyone here has been through what we're going through, so don't feel alone.

"Sounds like a *****! Hang in there, remember it's impermanent and not you. As far as getting stuck, I think there's way too much compassion in this place to let that happen to you. The only way around is through, and you'll learn a lot from the experience. Which may just sound like empty words, but almost everyone here has been through what we're going through, so don't feel alone."

Thanks Rev!
I hope you feel my gratitude for travelling with me!
Right now I'm back to "ok", what that is. But these last days have really kicked my donkey.
And I guess a consequence of all this is feeling lonely.
KFD has been so quiet lately. Only a few of us posting. Eerie.

I've been there man.

What you're going through is a symptom of correct practice.

It won't be long now before the dark night becomes a peaceful morning.

"KFD has been so quiet lately. Only a few of us posting. Eerie."

I like to take it a sign that everyone is practicing instead of talking about it.

"I've been there man.

What you're going through is a symptom of correct practice.

It won't be long now before the dark night becomes a peaceful morning. "

I'm waiting for the dawn

"I like to take it a sign that everyone is practicing instead of talking about it. "

As opposed to us who talk, that is?

It has been quiet, I hope it's not the zombie apocalypse I keep hearing about:) Seems like it's just us newbies around lately. So do you think enlightened zombies still eat brains? hhhmmmm....

Mild aversion to sitting, like it's pointless. I wanna do something fun.
45 minutes
Excitement, light pulsing, pressure, self-coaching
Followed by long period of calm, hard to latch on to sensations, unfocused.
Distanced to tension, 2-3 light sadness episodes (short)
After this a period of more light, imaging thoughts of yellow wooden buildings, seeing, calm.
Directly after this pretty nice episode, the light became even more bright, seeing, and intense itching, unpleasant. This itch went away for a while, still calm, imaging thoughts, selfcoaching, joy.
Then monster itches came up in other places. Still calm, imaging thoughts, calm, expansion, joy.
After a long while of this, impatience, urge to quit, tension, and suddenly light came brighter again, this time like stepwise (2-3 steps of brightening).
This startled me, startled, seeing, tension. Then impatience, frustration.
Quit
(none of the profound sadness or irritation here, just lack of focus, and thinking I am bac somewhere near the beginning)

I've been quite cool yesterday + today, except for last night, I woke up, thought a thought and was hurled into anxiety (sensitivity from the dukha nanas?)
45 minutes mixed itching... Oh, sorry, noting!
First 5-10 minutes, some expectation, excitement and calm.
Sensations coming and going pretty fast as noticing them.
Then, calm and expansion, and joy.
And a persisting itch on top of head that must have lasted for about 10 minutes.
Other itching coming, going, tension, self coaching thoughts, imaging thoughts.
All this as seen through glasses of "calm"
This itch went away. Concentration real good, seeing lots of imaging thoughts, itching, calm, analytic thoughts.
Perceptipn narrowing, feeling as if in a very tight area, but calm, comfort, pleasant.
And now the persistent itchings continued.
Staying in one part for a couple of minutes, then coming up in another part.
At times several persistent itches at the same time.
Suddenly I perceived all the sensations of Fear, but I couldn't label it fear. It was just
Tension (on chest and shortness of breath) and tension (in upper back) and (increased rate of heart) beating.
This also stayed for some time.
Lots of self coaching, analytical thoughts and fascination.
Then came the itch from hell, and it stayed until the end. With it tension and urges and analytical thoughts, planning thoughts (is this three characteristics again, it is not equanmity, what will I write?).
This lasted to the end.

So, I haven't had the sadness nor anxiety from right before for two days, but the itches are here with a vengeance. Have I slid back to 3 chars?

Sorry for the multiple post...

1 hour sit
Basically the whole sit was viewed from a vantage point of calm.
First quarter or so I felt was quite bland. I was ok sitting, but felt it was just sort of neutral.
Sensations coming going.
Itching, pain, selfcoaching, etc.
Then a little more comfort/contentment. More itching and pain. Coming and going.
Itching and pain at times staying longer, but often moving around a little when observed. But at times not really leaving.
Had some short episodes of anxiety, mostly observed from calm.
At one time mind wandering off with anger, imaging thoughts, etc... But really not that disruptive to the calm as I came back to noting.
Pain in the back muscle there, and sometimes there, but moving around and changong quality as observed.
Watched timer when 5 minutes left, impatience, planning thoughts, pain.

1 hour sit
Basically the whole sit was viewed from a vantage point of calm.
First quarter or so I felt was quite bland. I was ok sitting, but felt it was just sort of neutral.
Sensations coming going.
Itching, pain, selfcoaching, etc.
Then a little more comfort/contentment. More itching and pain. Coming and going.
Itching and pain at times staying longer, but often moving around a little when observed. But at times not really leaving.
Had some short episodes of anxiety, mostly observed from calm.
At one time mind wandering off with anger, imaging thoughts, etc... But really not that disruptive to the calm as I came back to noting.
Pain in the back muscle there, and sometimes there, but moving around and changong quality as observed.
Watched timer when 5 minutes left, impatience, planning thoughts, pain.

Hi Meekan. I like your journaling style, and inspired by your practice progress. If you don't mind, I'm hoping to apply the influence of your journal to improve my practice logging. There are probably by now a dozen or more journals on here I have resolved to read from end to end sometime, but my own sitting time usually feels so squeezed I don't get very far with it. Interesting to start reading yours though. It's easy to follow and seems like it's possible even for a novice to see your progress. I might have some questions for you.

Hi, kacchapa!
Glad to hear that you're getting something out of reading my journal!
I consider myself a very cautious, doubting thomas though.
So I am all the time pretty uncertain regarding my progress, and often need some assistance to tell me what may be going on
But please read on, and if you have any questions I'll try to answer them to my best ability!
Thanks!

Thanks, I'm trying to devote some time to journals of yogis where they traversed DK to equanimity. In the past I haven't taken advantage of shared experience enough.

Meekan, very interesting to read your journal. Do you have a Zen background? I can relate to what you were saying in Oct about feeling arbitrary or faking it with labeling feeling tone. That's the toughest of the 4 for me, I think. Just curious, do you mind explaining how often 1Hz is, since you understand that? Wow, Oct thru mid Nov is good reading! Looking forward to more.