recording and learning

sure - let me try this...

www.buddhistgeeks.com/2010/04/the-feedba...op-staying-on-track/

Ahh - was reading a post over at DHO , realized that I was approaching jhana incorrectly. I remember what it felt like to be in 1, the joy and rapture and energy, the strength of the mind, how I could see all thoughts, etc and the problem I have in trying to get back in there is that I am trying too hard! I can sit for an hour and miss maybe 1 breath if I apply myself but I am gripping it so tightly the pleasantness never arises! THAT explains why I can seem to have the first two characteristics of the j1 arise (weakly, sometimes strongly) during the rest of the day when I *lightly* feel the breath at work, etc. The pleasantness wont arise if I grip too hard! so simple...

WSH3,
That's a lesson that I'm still learning. I'm used to pushing and forcing 'til I drop or get the results I want. It is effective at work and school but, it just doesn't work with meditation. Congrats on realizing it, it'll make a big difference in your practice.

Its a hard lesson to learn - my ego takes me for the 'striving' ride a bit too easily.

30 min on the breath - what I'm feeling is that to get back to J1 there is feeling of 'joyous now' or being 'present' with the breath in a direct way, instead of concentrating on it. At least framing it in that way causes more piti/sukha to arise... I haven't quite gotten there but I have the feeling that with steady repetition I will get back to J1 and be able to firm it up over time..

I was right about the particular feeling to cultivate - I was at the grocery store in line, starting to feel the breath - be directly present with it, then started to be directly present with the 'joy of being' feeling arising, and I could almost 'see' J1 - a wave of very energetic bliss/rapt started to run up my body and I could just notice my concentration was about to ramp up in a major way... "whoa not here!" and I backed down... lol. Thats some strong stuff. I think that would be 'adverting'? Very very clear experience also - *thats* more in the direction of what I was looking for - a way to see with incredible clarity and strength, so that the noting practice can really do its work.

30 more minutes... seem a bit burned out maybe?

I've noticed lately that if I do more concentration practice, "that feeling" is easier to bring up in everyday life. It's kinda cool to get it going on my freeway commute -- makes it a whole lot less stressful. Unfortunately, it doesn't really seem to translate so well to closed-eye meditation most of the time. It's like it feels too forced or something. It's almost like I have to let it go a whole lot and just sort of let it arise out of the pleasure of the breath.

Luckily, it's fun to practice this.

about 30-40 min total this AM kasina practice using 5-10 min breaks at work... I see kasina's they're everywhere! 54 min noting at lunch. Lots of vibrations, energy realease, trying to do 4F's but its hard seeing the mental stuff. Note energy, heat, movement, swirling, etc, vibrations, then switch and note mindstate... More practice necessary but had lots of energy movement, release through neck, crown, swirling out thrid eye, some extreme pleasure in spots for a second or two. It *seems* to me that if the area of the body that a thought is attached to is felt as sensation, the thought can 'break off' from affecting the body and thus be easier seen as a thought. Good stuff!

Also have been playing with a 'feedback kasina' device - I found a program called 'big clock pro' for PC and set it up on the desktop. It has a smooth second hand and I will watch it for a few minutes every so often, keeping attn on the tip of the second hand as it goes around. The feedback is that if you get lost you know it right away because the hand takes off without you!

30 more minutes of noting last night, lots in between as after work my hara area broke into some really difficult sensations, trying to trigger a sense of despair in the mind - very strong and I kept noting the sensations and breaking into the area/vibrations. During the sit last night my energy had switched 'flavors' and was now a white hot itching, very strong, almost like a niacin flush - kept noting sensations, trying to see/note feeling tone, mindstates somewhat - felt more 'OK' with everything by the end of the sit, grateful for the noting practice as a way to break into harsh feelings in my body that I have never been able to deal with before. Feels like I am slowly starting to unwind this 'me', peeling the mind and the body apart. Next reatreat I am probably going to turn into a noting machine - although I feel concentration is important because it feels to me like I keep getting small A&P like a few weeks back but then I hit fall back down the ladder somehow. Made a resolution to get SE in this lifetime and it feels so personal, brings tears to my eyes. A part of me knows this is it, I *must* do this or all is lost - I remember 12 years ago before serious practice waking up in the middle of the night suddenly realizing that I had to get this thing, to do this thing, or all was lost, and I curled up into a fetal ball in extreme agony feeling that. I complained to a monk friend of mine (who passed on a while back) that I felt like 'I couldnt quit this thing', and he told me 'thats why they call it a path' - lol.

more feedback kasina at work, 50 min noting at lunch, going deeply into sensations, more seeing I am not the body with energetic rush/release up through my head... Calm. Noting calm mind, some striving mind, a bit of second gear type feeling into areas I think 'I" am - again noticing the quick image my mind puts on top of sensations I identify with - like sensation, image of self, sensation, etc...Lots of mental energy being used up to sustain that illusion! Did a few more minutes kasina, noticed I can 'tell' when a higher % of the brain is wanting to accomplish the task, can almost feel inside my head in the left side agreeing to cooperate before it gets a bit stronger. WIll take a while I assume to get to J1... I think when it happened before it was super hard and right after some sort of A&P, If I rememebr correctly a few years ago I saw reality itself vibrate, like it isnt real, a projection of my mind, then about 15 minutes later in normal life got sucked into super hard J1.... Ahh well.

35 min of candle kasina.... Oh my. Thats a remarkably good object to learn concentration on! I hadn't tried a candle in 19 years - *now* I remember what real concentration feels like, the pleasure of the mind locking on to every movement of the flame - I *almost* got pulled into J1 on it, like a bubble or perception was about to form around the candle and suck me into it... I noticed it immediately of course and threw myself off track... I did learn however what access concentration really is. And I haven't been doing it, thats for sure. I may be able to go an hour without missing a breath but I'm not *really* with the breath, not in the way I was with that candle for a minute. not even close. More learning necessary...

One thing I was noticing - It seems to me that sometimes when concentration improves, more stuff in my body/mind that hasn't been resolved becomes apparent and then I need to note my butt off to see it more clearly and get it to release.... the two things helping each other. Its like concentration is a drill/shovel and insight sifts through what comes up.

hit some low EQ last night, can't remember if I have been there before... What happened was as I was eating I was remembering what it was like to really pay attention to the candle, thought about my whole experience and suddenly 'hey why can't I just pay attention to everything like that, good and bad' - pop, there was EQ, all the sudden I didnt care anymore what thoughts or feelings arose, felt like I had discovered some great secret for a while. Sat for 30 min again, but it was very different. Diffuse, I couldnt get the mind to want to 'do' anything bit just sit there, so thats what I did. Interesting.

50 min noting during lunch, some random kasina in the morning (total 20 min or so) - Noting started slowly, then noticing vibrations in some areas, moving around, then finding a strong one in neck area, looking into it, noticing different qualities, then going up to feeling tone, mindstate, noting thoughts, then finding another area of interest and working up the chain again... Took some time to get going but 'found' some strong beliefs attached to areas of the body this way - when finally up to thought level I add a note to the thought and wham, energy released , moving all over head up to crown, tingling, pinpricks, puffy sensations... Feeling like consciousness was going to move up there, got excited for some reason and got in its way... Noting again, same thing - ahh some anxiety there - what is it? Heat, tingling, moving, feeling tone, etc etc - note the mind action attached to this feeling and wham, more release, etc... Pretty intense. Feel a bit more clear - I love working with conditioning in this way. Its so powerful. - Long live noting and the 4F's. I smile to myself knowing that I can dissect something as formerly terrible as fear or self loathing into all these sensations and thoughts, and objectify them, releasing myself bit by bit from their grip. I feel gratitude.

just did 75 min candle kasina. Had some DN stuff storming going into it - that was a bad idea I think. Next time its storming I will note. If it gets calm or mildly pleasant I will concentrate. Feel like trying to concentrate in one of the DN's is a waste of time. Need to hit my edge to get a 'training effect' I think - at least thats how it works with the body eh?

odd - thats the third wednesday in a row I have had really strong negative stuff swirling in the body (this time after lunch)... Hrmmm.

-been doing more reading. I think I have been a dark knighter for a long time, probably 3-4 years or maybe much more. I really need to get disembedded more!

20 min noting to start the day...

55 min noting at lunch... sounds, vibrations, pressure in the same spots in forehead as usual - thoughts I get stuck in 'not good enough' - noted, noted, noted...My personality seems to try to keep itself going by choosing to believe I am lacking, deciding to fix itself, but blocking itself so the 'project' can never succeed... Noted, again and again.

Hmm... Seems to me I may be stuck in 10... I keep cycling through bad feelings of a different sort, with good times between each one. I think its been happening for a while... Its like I will be doing fine and then this storm comes up and all the sudden I have to remember to reside in my body or my mind will go haywire and I will cause problems for myself... I was in anger/frustration/judgement before the sit, got some flow afterwards, felt good again and then all the sudden 20 minutes ago triggered some completely different mood to keep on top of. Not triggered from the outside either - when I stay in my body I can feel the flavor of the overall sensations changing. Its interesting to actually start to notice this stuff when it has been going on for a while without being noticed this deeply.

Had to switch to 2nd/3rd gear lastnight/this morning to reground myself, was starting to touch madness there! Apparently I need a bit more balance than some people.

Good session with Kenneth - thanks. 20 minutes of 3rd this AM, 30 minutes of some noting/2nd/third today at lunch. I dont think it ever occured to me before that it is OK for the mind to resist the dark knight! What did I expect it to do? Noted.

edit - that was quite a weight actually. Somehow I really always believed that the mind was supposed to *accept* pain in the body - but all I was doing was screwing myself down tighter and tighter! haha! Its OK to not like discomfort and its also not me not liking it!

45 min candle kasina... I'm starting to see bit by bit how the will works. Its a different thing than normal thought, kind of like when I make myself fly in a dream. reached access, various grades... I can see slow improvement.

2x30min noting earlier - my noting needs more practice! Felt very different when I woke up this morning - very 'normal' at first but the mind was quieter, and I soon noticed when wandering around the Zendo that more sensory input was coming in without me doing anything.... I kept throwing 2nd gear out there as well - I can do the body grounding thing for a while but after a bit I am 'used up' somehow, although it is an awesome practice... I feel a light joy inside somewhere when I do that 3rd gear thing that way with the body awareness. Its like thats where attention is supposed to be and it feels 'home'. Funny how we cannot really be upset in that mode.

30 min candle Kasina - Pretty solid, learning how to use the will to do concentration... its like I know where I am at, say light access, and I know what a slightly higher level of concentration is, and I know what it feels like and somehow will myself to the next step. I *know* what it is like to be rock hard on the flame for 5 seconds so I can imagine that/will it to happen and its starting to, more and more. I think I got to soft J1 for a few seconds, maybe 5 or so - narrowing of the awareness to the candle, energetic pleasure enveloping the body (not very strong though), and the candle being super clear, rock solid, every movement. I dont feel 'weird' afterward, just normal and somewhat clear. Off to yoga.

2hours. First half hour was candle kasina to soft J1, a bit more solid than yesterday but still soft, not lasting very long (5 sec a few times) - used the candle instruction from the hamilton project blog, turns out that works better than what I was doing...90 minutes after kasina of noting practice... rising, falling, tension, vibration, pinpricks, itching, etc - repeating noting of the thought/mindset of wanting life to be free of suffering. Noting the body's reaction to that thought, over and over. I am really starting to see more clearly how pain is inevitable, how the desire to be free of pain occurs (and is outside my control also) and how equanimity really does stand on the other side of being caught in that belief, seeing it as just another empty thought, attaching istelf to sensations in the body. Its going to take much more work to completely disembed from that pattern!

another hour of candle Kasina - I can get close but my mind wont stabilize on the object. Chickens flying everywhere! Lol.

I keep forgetting the real doorway - *now*. No past, no future. If I let go of everything that isnt NOW, there is no problem. 3rd gear... I need to use this as a basis for everything else.