John's practice

Missed Saturday, traveling and too busy. Sunday wasn't great as I was very tired, but I did do 1:00 kasina. Today was back on track with 2 x 0:30 commuter noting and 1:00 kasina. There finally is a difference, but it is hard to explain. Everything is the same except that it all feels more removed as it used to feel very immediate. I don't know if that makes sense. This session did not feel immediate and direct, it felt remote. That is the only way I know how to explain it. The feel was completely different. I don't know if it is better or worse. The focus certainly didn't seem as "locked on" but I didn't have less focus, it just wasn't so intense.

I'll see if this continues, maybe it was a one-time thing.

2 x 0:30 commuter noting. 1:10 kasina. Everything back to normal. Good focus. Periods of no thought, lightly intruding upon occasionally. Noting breath, ears ringing, sounds ... not much. Time went by quickly. Went over 10 minutes just to see if I could go longer, and yeah, I could have done another hour, but I didn't have the time. There was one pinpoint of bright light for a second. There really isn't much in the way of vibration, just some shimmering sometimes.

Nothing happening. Kind of boring.

Commuting noting, 1:10 kasina. Easy, good focus, few distractions, nothing special or new, doesn't feel like it is going anywhere, blah blah blah.

Been there. But I can't resist a wee gently-intended dharma teasing. Where on earth should it be going? Timbuktu? There's just this moment, right here, right now.

or

"Look at stuff, not for stuff" - andymr, in post above

"Been there. But I can't resist a wee gently-intended dharma teasing. Where on earth should it be going? Timbuktu? There's just this moment, right here, right now.

or

"Look at stuff, not for stuff" - andymr, in post above"

Ha! I didn't come up with the whole path thing, with steps leading to stream entry. I've walked the path, now where is that stream, hmmm? Don't you worry, I'm spending the vast majority of my sitting hours just being right here, right now ... only occasionally wondering "Hey, where the hell is my stream entry I ordered?"

Friday: Incredibly busy all day, almost forgot! Only did 30 minutes, and it wasn't focused at all.

Today: So today I decide to make up for my missed sessions. First I did 1 hour kasina. It wasn't very focused, just like the day before, just couldn't stop the rambling thoughts. So, I come back later for 2 hours, and this time it is really solid. Go figure. The only unusual thing from my other good sessions is that there was a lot more vibration going on. Really good, very focused. I hardly noted at all. I just don't have much to note, and it feels stupid to sit there noting inhale, exhale, ears ringing a million times.

So three hours total for today.

"First I did 1 hour kasina. It wasn't very focused, just like the day before, just couldn't stop the rambling thoughts. So, I come back later for 2 hours, and this time it is really solid. Go figure. "

It can be interesting to notice that it sort of does its own thing by itself...

"only occasionally wondering "Hey, where the hell is my stream entry I ordered?""

Sounds familiar. Maybe the food will arrive while I'm away taking a leak.

"Keep in mind that when nothing seems to be happening and you're bored and feel like you're spinning your wheels, necessary work is being done beneath the surface. "

A good bit of advice, Laurel, which I will bear in mind. Thanks for posting it.

Thanks to Nikolai, I finally got what a lot of people have been telling me: note everything. Even silence. Even nothing. Everything.

2 x 30 minute commuter compassion meditation. 1 hour kasina. I noted everything, and some really interesting things happened. After noting silence, emptiness for a while I noticed something new: devotion. Didn't see that coming, but I was overwhelmed with love and devotion, and then wave after wave of intense gratitude, going up my body and out through the top of my head. Not only that, but the main ringing in my ears suddenly stopped. I say "main" because my ears ring in many different tones -- but the loud one stopped abruptly and didn't come back. I managed to note the entire hour, noting all of my longing, desire, hope, expectation,disappointment, love, devotion, gratitude ... this stuff never came up before, but there it was.

Focus was very deep and intense, I noted detachment a lot, and a lot of vibration along with the hope and anticipation.

After the sit I couldn't see with my glasses on. I could see perfectly with them off. This lasted for 20 or 30 minutes.

Great stuff, John. I've had devotional ecstacy-like stuff too. Depending on specifics, it might be a good sign or a nana, i think. The general assumption should be that all that arises is grist for the mill, fuel for the fire. Keep noting

Hi Villum, all I can say is that today was completely different. 2 x 30 commuter noting, distracted. 1 hour kasina, distracted. This time when I noted nothing, I just kept noting nothing. Nothing came up this time, except long distractions, fantasies, ideas, planning ... yes, I noted it all. I noted that everything was fuzzy. No focus this time. Noted detachment. Thoughts wandered off frequently. The time passed quickly, but there was no intensity. Noted my desire for something to happen, noted my attempt to cook up a little devotion or get something started.

I used to think I was doing something wrong, but this is just the way it goes. The meditation will go wherever it wants. Nothing I can do about it. It will be focused or not. I will note everything, or spend most of the sit daydreaming. Even within the same day sits can be completely different for me, so it isn't anything I'm doing.

Got complete involved in a bunch of stuff and missed yesterday completely. Up late so very tired today. No commute. 1:00 kasina, very, very tired. Noted what came up, mostly being tired and wishing it were over. That's about it. Will try to get more sleep tonight and try again tomorrow.

2 x 30 minute commute noting. 1:00 kasina. Emotionally upset by a conversation, pretty much the whole session was spent noting hurt, sadness, anger, desire to retaliate, despair, pain etc ... No real focus. Seemed like a waste of time -- a feeling that I noted repeatedly. Waste of time, worthless, nothing will ever happen, etc ... Negative, negative.

Saturday: 1:00 kasina, noting. Sunday: 1:00 kasina, noting. Now sitting for an hour has become excruciating again, the time passes very slowly. I note whatever is most prominent, be it a sound, bodily sensation, emotional feeling, or thought. I lose attention every once in a while, and go off in thought planning or fantasizing. Suddenly, meditation is difficult again. I have no idea why. My focus isn't terrible, but it isn't good like before. Noting a lot of wishing it were over, and a lot of negative emotions. I noticed the desire for deliverance, so maybe I'm just cycling around. I felt like I was in equanimity before. Wonder what happened. It's hard to get worked up anymore, since it all comes and goes as it pleases, regardless of what I'm doing.

"" I felt like I was in equanimity before. Wonder what happened."

" it all comes and goes as it pleases, regardless of what I'm doing."

"

You answer your own question.

Yes, I used to want it all to make sense, but now I know it isn't going to make sense. For instance, today I did 2 x 30 minute commuter noting, and 1 hour kasina noting. My focus was good again. But the time still passed slowly. Usually it passes quickly when I am focused. I've been noting feelings almost the whole hour, and this time I don't think I noted any feelings. What was primary in my mind were sounds, the occasional physical sensation, ears ringing, and mostly just space and detachment. Another day, another completely different session.

" I lose attention every once in a while, and go off in thought planning or fantasizing. Suddenly, meditation is difficult again. I have no idea why. My focus isn't terrible, but it isn't good like before. Noting a lot of wishing it were over, and a lot of negative emotions. I noticed the desire for deliverance, so maybe I'm just cycling around. I felt like I was in equanimity before. Wonder what happened. It's hard to get worked up anymore, since it all comes and goes as it pleases, regardless of what I'm doing.
"

This is exactly what my practice is like at the moment. When you finally think you've got past the worst of it, there's still more to be had. PM me your Skype name- I'm keen to connect with yogis at a similar stage to me.

2 x 30 minute commuter noting, 1 hour kasina noting. This session was more focused and didn't go by quite so slowly. It seems like equanimity again. It didn't feel difficult, just a bit boring.

How many flavors of boredom are there? Is boredom a single clear impression, or is it composed of something? Just if you need something to look at

2 x 30 commuter noting. 1 hour kasina. Got tired of the distractions and remembered to note out loud. Noted out loud for longer than I ever have before, almost the whole hour. It went a lot faster, actually. Not too bad.

Did not practice Friday or Saturday because I had a side programming job to complete. I did two hour-long kasina sessions today as a partial make-up. The first hour I managed to survive by noting out loud, but when I went back for the second hour it was all emotional pain coming up. Nothing specific, just emotional pain. I could only sit poorly and endure. I noted out loud some, but was mostly distracted. I am very discouraged right now. In a few days I'll probably be very optimistic again.

The emotional cleansing is really good for you, if painful. I have endured many of those. It's not "sitting poorly" - it's just unpleasant sensations instead of pleasant ones. Your brilliant technique (or lack thereof) is hardly going to make much difference at this point. Just do your best, and don't add the second arrow of "I'm not meditating well" on top of "this hurts". Hang in there!

John, it'd help in figuring out where you are at if you gave a more in depth description of the sorts of experiences you have throughout the course of your sit.

The emotional stuff could be dark night related, but without what preceded it there's no way of knowing really.

If you are intentionally avoiding the whole mapping / progress of insight paradigm, feel free to ignore the above

Thank you for the kind offer, I will give you as much detail as I can.

I was working all day and night, so I had not time to sit Monday. Today, I did one hour kasina.

Almost the moment I sit down the kasina splits into two images and I feel the altered state coming on. The emotional pain is now muted. I note nothing, because nothing comes to the forefront. I note the tension in my neck, and I note relaxing into it. I count some breaths. I look to note what is there, but nothing specific arises, so I note nothing. My mind wanders a bit occasionally, but is silent most of the time. Like entering a different place, I suddenly feel space. I feel detached from my body, as though my body were space as well. Awareness is quite wide, all around, inside and out. The kasina seems zoomed in a little, though the space seems much more vast. It is pleasant. Time passes quickly, and I stay locked in to this state, deeper than I can ever remember. I surrender into it. I am no longer noting. There is just the space, and the occasional thought wandering by. I feel in front of my body, and off to the side, like my awareness is outside my body, or my body is just more space. At one point there is fairly strong vibration, but it subsides. I don't try to do anything. There is just me and the space. Nothing comes up. I smell dinner cooking. I feel hungry. I remember the ripe avocados that need to be eaten before they spoil, stuff like that. But mostly nothing. Sometimes songs play in my mind, the same songs that seemed so sad a few days ago, but now seem beautiful. Not repressing, very open, but nothing emotional is coming up. There is space. Time passes quickly. My neck no longer hurts from the strain of working too much.

I guess this was a jhana. Very pleasant, and a much needed rest -- exactly why I put effort into concentration first.