John's practice

1:00 kasina. My mojo is gone. Had to fight the monkey mind every step. Had a few moments of focus, got the strange detached feeling again. It really is an altered state, and different from the states I usually get. It is new because it feels like I am no longer there. It's very hard to describe. It's also a very easy state to lose. With the slightest loss of focus it is gone. I can usually get it right back, but then it is gone again. I would very much like to sit in it for a while. Back when my concentration was harder, it was possible to hang in there for a little while, but still not very long, not a full minute, probably no more than a ten or fifteen seconds.

Anyway, ho-hum.

I scheduled a 10-day Goenka retreat here in Michigan for late May, early June. The only problem is that I don't know if they will let me sit in a chair. My legs are too stiff for sitting on the floor. I really don't see the benefit for western people to sit on the floor. I mean, if you like to, great, but it's kind of like demanding someone use chopsticks to eat -- it doesn't make the food taste any different.

1:00 kasina. Focus somewhat better, but still a LOT of wandering mind. All the same stuff with the kasina, vibrations ... the only new thing isn't new, it is just something I figured out. My detached state is like a third presence. There is me, there is the kasina, and then there is this third thing, but it isn't something separate, it is something that envelopes and contains me and the kasina ... if that makes any sense.

Overall it was better. Maybe I'll get back to the great focus again.

Did about 30 minutes ping-pong noting with Villum, which was very nice and did allow for expansion into the detached state where my attention seems to be outside instead of inside.

1:00 kasina, about the same as yesterday. The relentless mind chatter forced me into noting out loud, which really helped. Noting out loud, I was noting a lot of pain, aches, and discomfort. My hands, feet, back, neck, head -- apparently everything hurts.

1:00 kasina, starting with concentration then moving on to noting. Noted a lot of itches and sounds. Noted some sadness and self reflection, self anger, despair, loss, grief. Noted a sense of space, detached awareness. Noted all the typical things the kasina does, splitting, translucent white circle, violet haze. Noted rapid eye movements, eyelid fluttering, and vibrations. My mind didn't wander a lot, but my mood was very depressed.

I felt so down afterwards that I spend 10 minutes on the Shinzen Young "Focus Positive" to lift my mood a little. Thinking the words "joy, happiness, compassion, peace, love" etc... and seeing an corresponding image from my own life with each one, calling up the feelings, always seems to work for me.

30 x 2 commute, tried Mahamudra noting, but was mostly distracted and mind wandering. 0:45 kasina, getting focus then going to noting. Noted a few itches, aches, and lots of sounds. Noted very little emotionally, just very tired mostly, lack of sleep. Noted some of the spacious detached awareness. Noted not so much with the kasina, but some splitting and the usual visual effects. Not much vibration, but noted the effect like I was looking through water. My mind didn't wander too badly, but I started to nod off several times.

Basically I was just too tired. Need more sleep.

30 x 2 commute, Mahamudra noting, fewer distractions this time, but nothing special going on, just listening and positive noting. 1:00 kasina, started off mind wandering, but then had the best sustained focus I've probably ever sustained for an hour, noting almost the entire time. Some detached states, more than one, very unusual feeling and hard to describe, a lot of emptiness, for a while I couldn't even note. The state just didn't allow it. Kasina stayed split the entire hour, lots of disappearing, lots of translucent white circle appearing, lots of violet haze surrounding and occasionally occluding the kasina. Some strong vibration, and a lot of the swimming visual field.

But the main weird thing is that when I was finished I put on my glasses and everything was blurry! It has been almost 20 minutes and I still can't see through them clearly. I can see pretty good without them. I have cleaned them over and over and checked to make sure they are my glasses.

Oh, now they are starting to work right. Close up is still a little blurry, but far away is now clear. The opposite without them. I guess my eyes will get back to normal in a bit. Strange.

2:00 kasina. I had time, so I did an hour, had a few things to do, then came back for another hour. Like yesterday, my focus was really good and sustained. I noted throughout, except when my concentration was so deep I forgot. I had very few thoughts to note, almost no itches, so it was mostly sounds and the visual effects of the kasina, which were the usual: splitting, purple/violet plasma-like haze, white circle arising from kasina, disappearing, space swimming between my eyes and the kasina, shaking, vibration. Only a few unusual things: at one point the violet haze became a dull green for a while. And the violet haze seems to be coming ever more pronounced, taking up more real estate around the kasina, blotting it out quite frequently.

Other than that, the only surprise was how well I kept focus. When I had nothing much to note I was sometimes throw in a Mahamudra-style "listening" or just note breath.

Again, pretty much the whole time I am in at least a slightly altered state, and occasionally I slip into on that is more detached, like my awareness is outside my body, and sometimes I go into a state where I can't note anything.

When I feel myself starting to strain or strive for something, I surrender and relax, just letting it happen.

Thursday -- 0:30 x 2 commute, 0:30 with kasina. Three thirty minute lackluster sittings. My mind would not stop wandering. Distractions, interruptions, no focus. Oh well, some days are like this.

0:30 x 2 commute, 1:00 kasina. Commutes were pretty distracted, it's hard to meditate when people are talking. I can't exactly shush the whole vanpool. Focus was good on the kasina. All the usual kasina antics, nothing unusual, noted throughout when I could.

"it's hard to meditate when people are talking"

hearing, annoyance, frustration, practice thought, hearing, tension, seeing, hearing, tension, etc.

John, I'm interested that you described noting while doing kasina. Would you say more about how that works? Thanks, Mark

"John, I'm interested that you described noting while doing kasina. Would you say more about how that works? Thanks, Mark"

Since I stay aware of my surroundings and don't get the type of focus that excludes the sights and sounds around me (as some instructions encourage), I am pretty much free to start any kind of insight practice once I have "access" concentration, which I think is indicated when a secondary image, in my case a translucent white circle, arises from the kasina.

So in a typical sit I would start by looking at the kasina and noting. Then my attention settles in, and the secondary image arises. Usually I just keep noting. Noting doesn't seem to interfere with the progression of the kasina work. The kasina image will usually split in two, spread wide, disappear occasionally, be surrounded by a violet haze pretty often, vibrate, shimmer, swim around in my vision, etc ... I can note it as it happens.

I have only found one state so far that doesn't allow noting. It is a very detached panoramic awareness, very effortless, and either I don't remember to note or I just can't in that state. It seems to be the highest point of my sits, if I make it there at all.

Saturday, 1:00 kasina, good concentration but nothing special going on, just the usual.

Today, 1:00 kasina, no concentration, mind wandered through the entire hour. A lot of work. I was trying to really focus in on the stages, which are very subtle and pass quickly, but I couldn't track them at all thanks to my mind wandering off over and over and over. I noted when I wasn't off in some fantasy. I finally started noting out loud, which always helps. Oh, and I remember what Mumuwu said and noted a lot of frustrations and negative thoughts about my lack of attention, that helped too. These types of sits just seem to happen. If the pattern holds I will be back to good concentration soon enough.

I am trying to be more helpful to the people offering to help me though, so I will keep posting what details I can.

Monday, 0:30 x 2 commute, 0:45 kasina. The commute sits had a lot of distractions, and the kasina wasn't much better. I was noting, but at times I think my mind wandered for at least five minutes before I noticed. I was very tired, which is typical for a Monday, and by the end of the kasina sit I was checking the clock every few minutes, just wanting it to be over.

So here it how my kasina sit went. I looked at the kasina and started noting. My mind wandered off, thinking of this and that. I finally noticed and noted all the thought, started noting again. Repeat this a few times. Looking at the kasina the translucent white images arises from it, the kasina splits, I keep noting, but my mind wanders off. Eventually I noticed the thread of thought chattering away happily, and I note it. More noting. More distractions. Kasina does all of it's usual stuff, disappear, split, spread, vibrate, swim. But I am really trying to focus on the stages. They are subtle. I notice fear, misery, digust, desire for deliverance flitting by, then eventually I settle in to decent focus ... but now I am too tired, and my eyes start to close. I note being tired and sleepy. My mind wanders off until I'm just sitting there thinking and watching the kasina. I notice and note the thinking, and then I'm sleepy again and have to fight to pay attention. It just deteriorates from there, until I'm checking the clock about every minute, wishing it were over and noting that wish.

When it's over I feel fine. I realize that I wasn't noting most of the sit, or even paying attention. I'm not really that tired. This resistance comes and goes every week.

0:30 x 2 commute, 1:00 kasina. Still fairly distracted on the commutes, and the kasina sit started off with a lot of wandering thoughts, but after a while my focus was reasonably good. The kasina session was like the others, nothing new. Noting was a lot stronger, and the vibrations/shimmering was more prevalent.

0:30 x 2 commute, 1:00 kasina. This level of distraction is discouraging. I don't even know how it happens, because I am noting away, and then my awareness wanders off into a pleasant fantasy or something nice and I don't notice for about five minutes. The strange thing is that my focus on the kasina can remain strong while my mind happily chatters away spinning some quite positive and uplifting tales. This went on for so long that I realized I was becoming angry and tense trying to control my mind, so I relaxed and let it go. Oddly enough, that made it suddenly quiet. With full permission to roam, it just sat there with nothing at all to say for the last ten minutes or so.

I don't know what is going on, but I guess I just keep sitting -- that seems to always be the answer.

1:00 kasina. After reading what cmarti advised jgroove to do, I spent an hour focusing on the arising and passing of things -- the ticking clock to be exact. I asked myself "What am I missing" as the ticks arose and passed away. So there it was, looking at the kasina, listening to the ticks arise and pass away, looking for what I was missing.

After about 0:50 minutes something finally occurred to me: the ticks were arising and passing away within awareness. Awareness was always there. During a few annoying phone interruptions, awareness was there, and those events, my irritation, everything arose and passed within awareness. Everything in life, including my life and what I identify with, arises and passes away within awareness. As Villum once pointed out, I cannot turn off awareness. Everything else comes and goes.

So why do I identify with the story, the arising and passing, one moment angry, the next happy, one moment afraid, the next fully contented? Why don't I identify with awareness, which is always there, neutral, allowing everything to arise and pass within it. I don't know.

I'm not sure if this is what I was meant to get out of the focus on arising and passing away, but there it is.

Perhaps you might find this study on "The Experiential Discovery of Awareness" useful:

docs.google.com/present/view?id=0AdIyLjP...TM1ZjZmejhzY20&hl=en

"Perhaps you might find this study on "The Experiential Discovery of Awareness" useful:

docs.google.com/present/view?id=0AdIyLjP...TM1ZjZmejhzY20&hl=en


"

Thanks andymr, that study had some great insights. The trouble is that I have these insights, but they don't seem to really penetrate deeply. I don't know why. Maybe it takes time.

3:00 kasina. Did a two hour session with a lot of out-loud noting to try to stop my mind from wandering so much. It was hard. I did the second hour just to spite my inattention. I'm really getting tired of it. Later, after talking to my teacher, Ron, I took his advice and made the wandering thoughts the focus of my mindfulness. Instead of noting, I put all of my attention on my wandering mind. Of course I still kept looking at the kasina, which seems to be separate. Whatever else happens, my visual focus on the kasina is almost always very good.

Anyway, this worked much better, and my last hour was pretty decent. Watching for the distracting fantasies seemed to keep them away. Then when the sleepiness and nodding off started, I really focused hard on every aspect of those, and that severely limited that distraction as well. I went into some hard focused states, and had a decent session.

1:00 kasina. This being suddenly really tired and nodding off, fighting to keep awake every time I sit is getting old. I am perfectly fine before and after I sit. This time, using the hindrance as a focus of meditation didn't help so much, because just nod off and then catch my head falling, which is very annoying. Yes, I note the annoyance. I noted out loud almost the whole hour. That was the best defense again falling asleep. I can't wait for this phase to be over. Nothing new during the sit.

However, later in the day, I was just looking at the wall when the periphery of my vision seemed to move, like I was going through a tunnel. It went on for about 30 seconds or so, I would guess. It was like the wall was sort of liquified and moving, with the outside moving faster than the inside, sort of a tunnel effect. So that was weird.

Two 0:35 sessions with the kasina. Back to having good focus. It only takes a minute of focus to get the translucent white image arising from the kasina. I do noting on and off, depending on the states I get into with the kasina. Still the same stuff going on, so I'm not going to write it all out again. Definitely better focus now, but not as hard as before. Still getting vibration at times. Trying to be aware of stages seems futile. I think they go by too fast and are too subtle.

0:30 x 2 on the commute. 0:30 kasina, followed later by 1:00 kasina. The commute sits, just eyes closed noting, are never eventful. The kasina sits were good, particularly strong focus in the last hour, but they have become monotonous. I look at the kasina, the white object arises, the kasina splits, there is a violet haze around it, the kasina disappears and reappears. I note some, my mind wanders a little, I seem to go into some different states. Sometimes there is shimmering or vibration, sometimes my eyes jerk around erratically for a while. The noting is the same: furnace sounds, ears ringing, inhale, exhale, maybe an itch every now and then, wanting to check the clock, or noticing that I've been lost in some story for a while.

It is a little discouraging to hear people talk about stream entry having not much effect, or even a negative effect, on their daily lives. I mean, what if someone suffered and put in countless hours of hard practice training to run a marathon, and then after years they finally made did it, and completed a marathon -- if they were disappointed, and felt that their efforts made no difference, or even felt that the training caused them an aggravating long-term injury, I would have to think twice about following in their footsteps.

0:30 x 2 commute. 0:30 kasina, then 0:15 more kasina. I am hopelessly distracted by painful events in my personal life. My heart aches and for now I can't let these things go. All I do is sit and think about my problems. Even noting out loud doesn't work. Oddly enough, I can still get focus on the kasina.

Time for Shinzen's "Focus on Positive" to help me out of this pit.

"It is a little discouraging to hear people talk about stream entry having not much effect, or even a negative effect, on their daily lives. I mean, what if someone suffered and put in countless hours of hard practice training to run a marathon, and then after years they finally made did it, and completed a marathon -- if they were disappointed, and felt that their efforts made no difference, or even felt that the training caused them an aggravating long-term injury, I would have to think twice about following in their footsteps."

I understand how you feel, and can fully sympathize, but don't let yourself get sidetracked. I testified to some bumpiness in my path post SE, and as a result I found out at least one other person had experienced the same thing I was going through, and it was greatly reassuring (thanks, Bill!). In the meantime, people kept telling me, this doesn't last. They are right.

This entire endeavor is a trip into the unknown, and when you get there, it can be confusing, because it's impossible to envision it before the fact. What I can say is that things are getting better every day. Before SE, I was embroiled in the drama in my department at work; now, I couldn't care less about it. Absolutely none of it has a thing to do with me. I haven't felt any anger towards anyone for any reason. I am functioning better than before. I go into class and just do the job and it's a breeze.

I still feel fear, because it's what's arising. I look at it, poke at it, and following advice, I watch stories arise around it, and then I let the stories go, and then I focus on something else. One of my teachers told me I can't go back. This is good news: I do not want to go back.

Just to encourage you also, because I have had hard times myself: when I experienced that first shift that Laurel has recently described, it fundamentally changed a lot of things for me. I had no idea what to expect, but suddenly discovered a well of patience and compassion I had not known before. It became unexpectedly simple to deal with some specific difficult people in my life, to endure things that previously made me impatient and frustrated, and to do comfortably some things that had previously caused me anxiety or fear. Personally, for me, it was not a disorienting shift, though other later shifts were disorienting. We each have our own experiences of these things, but I don't know anyone who would give up the transformations they've had, even if at times they find them strange and bewildering. Also remember that periods of frustration are actually a normal and repeating part of the cycles, whether we have tough crap going on in "real life" or not. Hang in there.