John's practice

I did an extra hour, just to examine the Liberation Unleashed direct pointing: liberationunleashed.com/nation/index.php

I signed up for a one-on-one and was liberated from my delusions of self, but I still don't feel any different. So I sat for an hour, looking at my kasina, and looking at how the self is just labeling sensations as they arise and the ensuing chain-reaction of thoughts. I must admit, my concentration was back to being very good, not the best ever, but very good. Intellectually I can see no-self quite clearly. I can watch the chain, and deflate the arising delusion of self by regarding the sensations as merely sensations and the thoughts as merely thoughts. At one point the room seemed to be flickering, but other than that, nothing really unusual. I must admit, I do feel a lot better -- but I can't say that I feel liberated.

An hour, kasina, noting. Just really examining whatever comes up, staying aware of sensations and thoughts, not trying to control or suppress anything. Some wandering thoughts, but mostly pretty good focus. Only unusual event was that things seemed to vibrate for a while, and the room when from bright to dim quite a bit.

The worst of the dark night stuff seems to be lifting somewhat.

Another hour, kasina, noting, but mostly just looking hard at my sense of self and how it is connected to my suffering -- actually, it seems to *be* my suffering. I note that a sensation in the heart area sets off sadness and a sense of loss, and then my mind starts projected sad, lonely, and isolating events happening in the future, or it goes back to my past failures, how I could have been a better friend, father, husband. When I saw it play out, so automatically, I wondered if I couldn't go back and start over, so I did. I went back to feeling the sensations, noted the pain in the heart area, and this time watched very, very carefully, adding nothing. Nothing happened. The sensation arose many times, but I was watching very intently for the thoughts to follow ... but they didn't. It seems like the whole drama only gets going when I am not paying close attention.

I don't know if this is good practice, but it was very interesting watching my mind at work, generating misery. Why would it do that? It was all very mechanical. There was nothing alive or real about it.

Then I noticed something else that I never noticed before. In the middle of my misery, I was distracted by some other story for few moments. When the misery restarted, it occurred to me that it had simply vanished while I was caught up in the other story, which was a neutral story. Then I thought about the suffering of the previous few days, and how often it was forgotten about while I cooked, or watched a show, or had just about anything else to do. During all of those times, the misery was gone.

I might be sounding rather dumb here, again, but the misery isn't real at all. It doesn't exist when I'm not thinking about it. This seems to even be true of physical pain as well, to some degree. I can have an ache, then get involved in something and forget about it all day, and then only later I remember the ache! Weird.

Read a thread on Dependent Origination by Sister Khema that brought clarity to exactly how suffering comes about, and how making different choices can transform it. I didn't clearly understand the difference between unavoidable pain and unpleasant events, and the avoidable suffering that I have been causing myself. Then I was reading "Five Ways to Know Yourself" by Shinzen Young www.shinzen.org/Retreat%20Reading/five_ways_draft.pdf where he talks about Don't Know (Doubt, Indecision, Confusion) x Equanimity → Intuitive Wisdom (page 16) and that gave me a deeper insight into the Zen koans I used to practice with.

On my return commute from work, I felt overwhelming gratitude and light seemed to be raining down. I felt ecstatic and did the Focus on Positive noting from Shinzen's book. Later, after the joy had died down, I did an hour of kasina with great concentration. The wall and kasina often seemed to shimmer and sort of pixelize at times. Sitting was very pleasant and not a burden at all, unlike the past week. Except for a few pleasant wandering thoughts, my focus was intense. Most of the time there were no distracting thoughts, so I focused on expanding the good feelings, both emotional and physical.

Today, the ecstacy is gone, but I feel OK, which is actually great since I was suffering all kinds of negative stuff before. It seems to really work being aware of the unpleasant feelings and not letting the craving and clinging lead on to suffering www.dharmaoverground.org/web/guest/discu...oards/message/401038

Sat for an hour of kasina. Mind wandered, not unpleasantly for a change, but still, it kept wandering off, so eventually I started with fast silent noting. Even with fast noting, somehow my mind manages to wander off into fantasy land, so I switch to noting out loud. That finally gives me good focus. The kasina starting showing bright white halos around the edges, then the translucent white circle arose from it. I've started noticing more of the violet colored clouds appearing over the kasina and to the right. It's weird, changing shapes like plasma. At one point, it condensed into a circle, but that only lasted for a second. As I focus on the kasina, I notice more and more a kind of shimmering. I don't know what else to call it. It seems like the kasina and wall shimmer, and then today even the space between my eyes and the kasina seemed to show motion. It was still clear, but it was like I could see the air moving or something. I continued to note out loud, and my concentration was very good. The kasina eventually did it's splitting into two images, sometimes disappearing, going dark with a bright white lining sometimes -- the usual. Oh, and I can still feel the spot in the middle of my forehead that becomes energized when I get good focus.

I would appreciate any feedback. For some reason I've just felt very alone lately, even when I'm with people. I probably need a teacher, but right now I can't afford one. I'm just so unsure. I wish I knew where I am on the map and could feel some confidence that I'm working in the right direction.

Hi John, I'm no expert on meditation but have been plugging away with daily practice and journaling here for a couple of years. Also, several years of being a chronic DK yogi. From the drive you have to do long sittings thru difficult mind and body states, it sounds like you at some point reached a no way out but through point in your practice? (Classic DK, I think.) NO doubt that you are definitely moving through it! There are so many skillful techniques, and very experienced yogis here can help you with that. The ones you're using are great, and you're applying yourself with a lot of heart. You can't go wrong

You are exactly right, I've been a chronic DK yogi for decades and I tried like hell just to throw myself into distractions and avoid it, only to be brutalized again. No more. I don't care if it goes on for years. I'm not afraid of hell anymore. I'm ready to do whatever it takes, and no matter what happens I will see this through.

Naturally I would prefer for some advanced yogi to guide me through, but if not I will just rely on myself and keep crashing the gate. In fact, I have planned my own personal mini-retreat for this weekend, hopefully ten hours of sitting.

Thanks for the encouragement!

John, your retreat sounds great. I'm hoping to do some extra sitting this weekend too. It'll be nice to know I'm not sitting alone.

If you haven't seen this, there are some teachers here who could help: kennethfolkdharma.wetpaint.com/page/Personalized+Instruction

Yes, I did see that people might help for $70 an hour, and I might be able to afford some of that in the future, but not right now.

My "mini-retreat" did go off as planned, and I was only able to do 1.5 hours. I watched my kasina and did a lot of fast noting. My concentration is back to being very good, and more and more I am noticing some strange stuff. Besides the shimmering of the kasina and wall, and the air between my eyes and the kasina, the kasina sometimes shows constantly changing patterning, and often jitters around quite energetically. I'll do more tomorrow.

John,

If you want a teacher some of those folks might be willing to work with you for less than 70/hour, at least they were in the past. If not the directory at buddha net might be able to point you towards locations near you with teachers who may work with you for less or free.

Bill

Thanks WF. I guess it doesn't hurt to ask. I'm a software developer, so maybe someone would trade for some custom software. I wrote a program that produces custom binaural beats. In this economy, my last side job was at $35 an hour, but even that is gone now. I think my house is about to go into foreclosure. I would move from Michigan, but I have two sons in college here, on scholarships.

I sat for 2 hours today. It was about the same as yesterday only my mind wandered more, so I switched to noting out loud for a good portion of the sit.

One more hour, to raise my weekend total to 4.5 hours. If I was expected something different, it wasn't. This sit was pretty ordinary. I looked at my kasina, but I did fast noting unless I became really absorbed in the kasina. I can notice a fraying around the edges of the kasina, like it is dissolving or actively fraying at the edges. The purple/violet haze continues around the kasina, and the translucent moon still rises out of it, and it all disappears, splits, goes dark, has a bright halo around it, and sometimes the space between my eyes and the kasina shimmers like I'm looking through water, and sometimes the whole wall and kasina shimmers ... but a lot of the time none of that is happening.

Two 30 minute noting sessions on the commute, then did about 10 minutes on the kasina before closing my eyes to do an hour of fast silent noting. I was able to stay aware of my body, breath, outside noises, ears ringing, and itches fairly constantly. At times there were patterns and lights on the insides of my eyelids. Occasionally my mind wandered off into some fantasy, but I noted it and refocused on the breath, then went back to quickly noting everything. There was some boredom, and I was sleepy a few times, but I noted those and carried on. Sometimes I am sensing subtle vibrations or pulsations. No strong emotions, but I am starting to sense what seem to be faint emotions cycling.

Two 30 minute noting, one 30 minute 6R metta. Nothing special. Not good, not bad.

Two 30 minute 6R metta, then over an hour session, began with focusing on pleasure but I had burned my hand cooking and it hurt, so I couldn't generate pleasure. I focused on the pain and while it still hurt, I could view it as just a sensation and nothing more. I noticed some thoughts and wondered why we talk in our own minds. Who is talking and who is listening? Why do we need to converse with ourselves? Shouldn't we already know what we are about to say? Then I noticed that while investigating this question, I was not aware of any pain in my hand, so I investigated awareness. What is awareness? It seemed that it was the brain focusing on one thing and filtering out distractions. Then I noticed a song playing in my mind, and wondered where it came from. The answer seemed to be that it came from memory. Then I had a little insight that conversations in my mind also come from memory. Talking to ourselves is bringing memory into present consciousness. Who is talking? Memory. Who is listening? Present awareness. So there is no difference in a song playing in my mind, or a story running through my mind. Both are just memory.

At that point I remembered how Krishnamurti laid out so clearly that the truth we seek is not in memory. I put down all my questions and had really spectacular concentration. I was still looking at my kasina, and at one point it actually seemed to be warping on the wall. I transitioned through several states, some of which were very empty. I felt close to breaking through something. It was very pleasant.

My conversations are often imagined encounters with people in which I try to convince them of something, or else tell them off, or in some other way try to get control over a situation that at some level is causing me unease. The Buddhist term for such thought proliferation is papanchas (sp?). They have the effect of reinforcing the illusion of a continuous self, and as such should be noted, but as much as possible you should avoid letting yourself get embedded in them. We all do it. There's a yogi on DhO who compared this internal dialogue to living next door to loudly talkative neighbors.

Yes, and my loud neighbors play a lot of music as well! Today I used HAIETMOBA fairly constantly, and found out that I experience most moments tense, bored, and seeking. I'll continue to see where that goes. Spent an hour with the kasina, and locked in hard to some altered states. Occasionally, the vibration is becoming very pronounced where as before it was just a light shimmering. Then, when I was very focused, I felt like I was sucked forward in a dark tunnel or something, and after that the wall around the kasina became very bright, like the sun coming up. Also, at one point it seemed I could actually pick up on my pulse ever so slightly shifting a small block of my vision. I'm not sure it was my pulse, but the small block moved left to right, right to left at about that speed.

When my concentration was locked in, I did spend some time on insight, mostly focusing on what else I could put down. I put down the chatter, the sense of self, then I tried to put down even the orientation of my awareness in my body. When that didn't really work, I spent some time on just exactly where my awareness resided. It did not seem to have a location. It seemed to be everywhere.

Oh, and at one point the kasina image split, and both images became very small. I focused on the right one which seemed like a brown agate marble, 3D, only with a violet mist changing over the surface like clouds on a planet, then for a moment I seemed to be seeing an image of my own face, only in the relief of violet clouds on a brown marble. So that was kind of weird, I guess.

2 x 30 minute commuter sits, not very focused, too many distractions. An hour with the kasina. Worked on some AF stuff, trying to move my awareness to the "sweet spot", asking HAIETMOBA, calling up past PCEs. Intense concentration. Locked in altered states. Nothing too unusual until my hour was up and I went to pick up my glasses (which I take off to meditate) and they were unusually ... I don't know, the way things are in a PCE, and then my hands too seemed extraordinarily fascinating, like I hadn't really seen them before. It wasn't as timeless and wondrous as a full blown PCE, but the similarities are unmistakable.

Today was Wandering Mind Day. I did 30 minutes kasina, and was just too distracted to even get good focus. I took a short break and came back for another hour. Much of this hour was just wandering thoughts and emotional pain. However, there was more vibration, and one new thing: from the split kasina image, the violet haze kept trying to coalesce into a third kasina image! This violet haze is becoming more and more pronounced. It has mostly been to the right, or above right of the kasina, and today it started forming into a more solid circle to the right or above right. At one point I had three lined up, but the last one was violet instead of brown.

I also had quite a bit of eyelid fluttering and rapid eye movement. I don't think I mentioned this before, but it actually happens fairly often. The more relaxed I am, the more often it seems to happen.

I was trying to pay very close attention to how I felt to see if I am cycling through the stages. I wrote them down. Since I don't have them memorized at all, I just checked and yes! I have them written down right in order, almost using the exact words: sadness, fear, pain, disgust, desire for deliverance. I went through them twice and then noted "vibration." I am surprised. I thought they were in the wrong order!

Sounds very good, John. I hope this insight proves useful for you.

"
Sounds very good, John. I hope this insight proves useful for you."

You have been very helpful to me, Villum, so thank you again.

1:15 with the kasina. Very deep concentration. The vibration that was so subtle before is now quite distinct, at about 4Hz I think, maybe faster sometimes. The kasina splits, and often a translucent white circle arises out of it, or just seems to overlay it, and most often the violet haze is around it, or to the above right, but now it occasionally becomes a circle as well. All three were present at one time, the kasina, the white image somewhat to the right, and the violet circle farther to the right. The white either looks like a lunar eclipse, the kasina dark and the white very bright, or rises out of the kasina and can be to the right of the kasina, or mostly just overlays the kasina. The violet haze is almost always changing shape, like plasma. It is most often surrounding the kasina, or to the right, but sometimes forms a circle now.

The 4Hz flickering is there most of the time now, sometimes becoming very pronounced. My focus is so hard it is like my body is inside of the focus along with the kasina, my attention does not feel centered in any part of my body, but outside, around everything, everywhere. It is hard to explain. It is a little bit like an out-of-body experience.

As always, when my focus is good, I start with insight, "Who am I?", HAIETMOBA, and putting down all thoughts, just maintaining pure attention. My mind did not wander off much at all. It was very easy to maintain focus.

Wow, great stuff. Makes me want to stop reading and go meditate.

"Wow, great stuff. Makes me want to stop reading and go meditate."

If only it were always so easy

1:15 kasina. Deep concentration again. Very detached panoramic no-center type state again. Kasina has been disappearing a lot and for longer amounts of time lately. Vibrations still there, seem faster now. Pretty much the same as last time, except this time I felt an intense wave a gratitude, followed by a flush from inside out to my skin, then tingling all over, then a cool feeling on my skin, followed by some more gratitude. This was fairly early in the sit, then the rest went as usual, maybe even easier than usual.

Upon deep focus I switched to insight practices, mainly that the way cannot be through memory, the known. That frees me from thinking. There is nothing to be found in the content of the mind. That just leaves awareness. The ships in the harbor, the babbling brook, are invitations to exit the known and enter awareness. There us quite a difference between conceptually knowing this and seeing it all laid out clearly. Even if the monkey mind chatters, it no longer has significance.

1:00 kasina. Tired today, but still had good focus. Not so much vibration, but it did often seem like there was a fog or fine mist between my eyes and the kasina. Still getting the strange out-of-body type state. Did the usual insight once I had good concentration. Nothing extraordinary. I didn't get a lot of sleep, so I almost nodded off repeatedly. It wasn't quite as good as the past two days, but the kasina was consistent with the splitting, disappearing, white image, violet haze, etc ...

Except for the fog, nothing new at all.

0:45 kasina. Horrible day, a lot of emotional pain. Worthless sit. No really hard focus. Kasina mostly did nothing, with just the translucent white coating and violet haze surrounding. A lot of shimmering in the whole field of vision early on, lights seeming to dim and brighten.