John's practice

"Still trying to re-establish my practice. I feel aversion when I think about sitting, but the sitting itself is fine. Maybe I can do another 20 or 30 minutes today. I wish I could feel the same hope that I used to feel when I thought meditation would make my life a lot better. It has, actually, but now I've habituated to the improvements and I'm dissatisfied again." -jwhooper

For now, concentrate on building momentum. If you can only sit for 20 or 30 minutes, then do that, but try to do it twice a day. During some phases, there is a critical mass that you have to reach before the thought of meditating is appealing. Once past it, you're fine. But if you don't get up to it, you're like Sisyphus, pushing the rock up the hill but never quite getting it over the crest and watching it roll back down again; that is self-torture. Decide to meditate enough each day that it starts to call to you again and then nurture that precious momentum. If you commit to it, in one or two days, you'll have built up a head of steam again.

Your instinct to do compassion meditation when things are rough is exactly right. Everything looks beautiful through the lens of compassion. Keep doing that!

Welcome back John.

Great advice from Kenneth. Another thing that might help, it has helped me when there is resistance to sitting, is to spend the first 15-30min of the hour listening to a guided meditation. Or a talk by someone with high transmission, direct pointing power. Robert Adams and Adyshanti and Kenneth's talk where i guides a student in mahamudra has helped me.

Thank you all, I did manage to do 45 minutes again yesterday, really focusing on the compassion and positive noting. I felt very good when I was finished. I have been remembering to smile and note positive throughout the day.

Ona, my aversion seems to be very gut-level. It can be surprisingly violent. It seems in a way to be more like fear.

Great advice from all around.
Sounds good you're hanging in there!

"Thank you all, I did manage to do 45 minutes again yesterday, really focusing on the compassion and positive noting. I felt very good when I was finished. I have been remembering to smile and note positive throughout the day.

Ona, my aversion seems to be very gut-level. It can be surprisingly violent. It seems in a way to be more like fear.
"

Yeah, could be. That's a good sign though! Ego hates to let go, tries all kinds of excuses. Trick is not to fuel it by resisting or avoiding or surpressing the fear, but embrace it, include it, allow it. It's just more phenomena arising and passing away. Does it's thing by itself. Won't kill ya. Not literally anyway.

Tuesday and Wednesday 45 minutes. No time yesterday. Will get back to it this evening though. Thanks for the advice!

I've been doing my compassion and note positive with my eyes closed for once. It doesn't really seem all that different.

45 minutes Friday but no formal sitting on the weekend, though I did try to be mindful and spent many spare moments generating compassion. I will sit again today. Slowly I'm getting back into it.

An hour Tuesday and another hour yesterday. Had a really unfocused session yesterday. My mind wandered off wildly. I usually don't have any physical symptoms, but yesterday I felt incredibly hot, like my skin was burning. I don't know what that was all about. It was only during my sit. I just watched the circus unfold and kept bringing my mind back to the compassion.

Friday, 45 minutes, yesterday, 45 minutes. Eyes closed metta practice. It's pretty much exactly like kasina or insight practice: mind wanders, bring it back, mind wanders, bring it back.

Not sure it's relevant, but do you direct the compassion at the mind that just wandered, too? I kind of imagine it like a disobedient dog that just wandered off. Call it back, rest a gentle hand on its head, and say "it's okay, I still love you." Perhaps a trite analogy, but best I could come up with at the moment. Point being that all things are included in compassion, and compassion is not separate from the wandering mind. So such an exercise might help support that idea. Thoughts?

Yes, I try not to judge my wandering mind as "bad" anymore, I just recognize that my mind has wandered and refocus on metta. I just found it interesting that totally different styles of meditation (kasina, noting, metta) all seem to be exactly the same in the end, at least for me.

I did 45 minutes Tuesday and 45 yesterday. The only thing new is fairly constant rushes of energy. I would call them "bliss waves" but they are mild, nothing so dramatic. I can feel a lot of energy moving around, which isn't typical for me.

30 minutes Thursday, 30 minutes Friday, then nothing for the past three days. Even somthing as simple as metta has somehow become aggravating. I feel like my practice is slipping away. Maybe I will be able to do more today.

What do you already know about what to do about this and how to view this? You could write yourself a list of top ten pointers and hang them on the wall where you practice, to remind yourself...

"What do you already know about what to do about this and how to view this? You could write yourself a list of top ten pointers and hang them on the wall where you practice, to remind yourself... "

The way I view it is that this is just where my practice is no matter what method I try. I sat for 45 minutes yesterday. Most of it was just my mind wandering off, thinking about other things, but I did manage to focus on metta sometimes. I was in a very foul and negative mood for most of the day. I tried not to identify with it too much.