John's practice

it seems in my practice that simply noticing is all that is needed. of course the ability to notice takes practice, and what level of subtlety one is able to notice changes over the months and years, but the noticing in itself seems to collapse the illusions.

1:15 of letting go. With the emotional pain and ruminating thoughts gone, there was pretty much nothing. I let go the slightest hint of anything. There were no itches or pain, no sadness or negative thoughts. I did some devotion and had waves of bliss/gratitude. Other than that, just letting go. I even let go of focus on the kasina, just let my eyes do whatever, which was quite a bit of fluttering and vibration.

One hour, a break, another hour. I think this is it from here on out. Surrender. The blips are not followed by any bliss, but when I do devotional practice, surrendering it all, I am infused with bliss/gratitude. So I do surrender and devotion. Devotion to what? Devotion to not-self I guess. Sometimes the vibrations are intense, and become like a helicopter sound in my ears, and become almost physically felt. I just let it all go, everything.

1:15, kasina, surrender. Nothing left to do. Just letting go.

I'm just curious.... why the kasina? Why not sit and just be?

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I'm just curious.... why the kasina? Why not sit and just be?

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Good question. For seven months I have sat and looked at my kasina. I had originally thought that I would have this deep concentration practice and eventually attain hard jhanas and all that, but what happened instead is that I developed some concentration and then my insight practice seemed to take off on its own. I guess I still look at it because it is my habit, and it really seems to help me focus.

Do you think a kasina can be a hindrance?

I think it's up to you, John. In my experience (and this has become my practice) "just being" requires nothing at all in the way of support. If a kasina helps you then use it, by all means, just keep in mind that you were using it to initiate an investigation-type practice (what I assume you mean by using the word "focus"), which IS going to hurt the letting go process. I asked only for that reason, thinking that you might be setting up a little conflict between what you intend (let go) and what you habitually do (focus/investigate).

I doubt if the kasina is necessary anymore. I'm certainly not taking it with me on vacation, so I'll have a few days at the end of this week at a cabin without it. More than one person has mentioned perhaps sitting in a natural setting, and I will be at a lake so that should be ideal.

Just out of curiousity, what is the expert opinion on sitting with eyes open or closed? I prefer open with a soft focus, personally. Is there really any difference?

I recommend open at this stage as a way to push yourself, personally. Because it's not about shutting yourself off in your inner world, but about being with (surrendering to = accepting just as it is) everything that is being experienced. No reason sight should be excluded.

I have never found formal sitting with my eyes open comfortable. I have thus only experimented with it. I'm not sure it makes any difference, either. It's probably one of those things that's best left up to each practitioner.

Chris, you never did? Interesting. I do a bit of both now, but for a long time only eyes opened, and I find that more "normal."

Nope, not very often. It doesn't matter now. Meditation happens off the cushion more than on.

Another day, another hour. I did the last part with my eyes closed. Didn't seem to matter. It's like noting, only when I notice anything I let it go. Then I let go of letting go, and so on, until everything is still for a while. Repeat.

Skipped yesterday, did 1:05 today. All roads lead to dissatisfaction. Did surrender, letting go. Some wandering thoughts, but a lot of stillness and silence, and in that, dissatisfaction. Not extremely unpleasant, not difficult, just not satisfying. Not that I expected satisfaction or was demanding more. That's what it was today.

This fascinates me, I suppose. The stillness is dissatisfying, the silence is dissatisfying. This implies, to me, that there is something you want that is not there. That's what dissatisfaction is - wishing things were different. What could possibly be dissatisfying about sitting in silence and stillness? Only the wish to be feeling something else.

So it's not surrender, per se, if you are wanting something else. Wanting something else is resistance. Surrender is allowing things to be as they are without wishing to change them. Sometimes it helps to bring a sense of curious wonder or a sense of embracing with fascination everything that arises. Otherwise there can be a tendency to be sulky, which is clinging to resistance.

I seem to have little control over it. There is no surrendering to the dissatisfaction. It is what is there when there is nothing else. Sometimes it's not there, then everything is just equanimity. But often it is there.

What's the difference? When you are sitting with nothing else, in stillness, and there is dissatisfaction, where is it located? What specific sensations make it up? How do you know it is there? There must be some specific characteristic sensations that identify it. Perhaps useful to try to find them.

"What's the difference? When you are sitting with nothing else, in stillness, and there is dissatisfaction, where is it located? What specific sensations make it up? How do you know it is there? There must be some specific characteristic sensations that identify it. Perhaps useful to try to find them."

I don't know. There is just an undercurrent of dissatisfaction in everything. I skipped a few days and then did 1:30 today. I really did surrender to everything at times. At other times, my mind wandered. I was caught up in fantasies. I was going over plans and weighing options. It didn't feel very disciplined, but I surrendered to it all, even the ceaseless wandering thoughts. Maybe I'm not doing it right. There was no sense of relief for letting go. It seemed like just the same old stuff. It is hard for me to keep practicing.

Hm. What I hear in your post is there's an expectation that surrender, letting go, should bring a sense of relief. But what I mean, at least (and I think what others intend when they talk about letting go) is *not having expectations*. If you want letting go to make you feel relief, then you are not letting go, but trying to make things be a certain way. Which is not surrender/letting go. A reminder I've used at times is "This moment is exactly as it is, just as it is. Just this."

You also must be able to find the qualities of dissatisfaction. Next time you feel it, check every part of your mind and body. There has to be some experiential phenomena that can be identified as dissatisfaction. Tension in some part of the body? A weightiness somewhere? A sense of thickness or muddiness somewhere? A current of energy? If necessary start at the toes and work your way up through the entire body and mind, and find it.

You are a skilled enough meditator to work through this.

(edited for typo)

I sat for 30 minutes, and tried to surrender and not have expectations. When I examined the dissatisfaction that arose, I found it to be like an empty space in my heart, a great yearning. It would come and go. Sometimes I was just sitting there. Sometimes my mind wandering off into planning or fantasies. I tried focusing on "just this" and that led to a sense of spaciousness and detachment.

So, the dissatisfaction feels like an emptiness, a separation. I feel it in the heart area.

Try to notice the layers of activity around this feeling in the heart area. Try to find just the physical sensations that make it up, how they move around or come and go or drift from one micro location to another, or how it is hard to pin them down to any specific location. The "yearning" and "dissatisfaction" are mental labels applied to the physical sensation. See if you can notice those separately. Sensation...thought...sensation...thought. You don't need to change these sensations or thoughts. Just try to study them very closely.

1:05 of "Just this, exactly as it is" practice. When the physical sensations that would lead to what I call "dissatisfaction" arose, I studied the sensations. That's all they were: brief sensations. No dissatisfaction followed. My concentration grew very strong, as I repeatedly focused on "Just this, exactly as it is" and did not do anything else. The only remarkable thing was how slowly time passed. Usually when I am extremely focused, time flies by, but this time it was the opposite.

After some time in deep concentration, my eyes just naturally closed and everything seemed to slowly shut down, with the helicopter-like thwump-thwump-thwump of N.S. -- but there was no cessation that I noticed. When it was over and I opened my eyes, that is when I checked my timer to see if I had lost any time, but I was only 20 minutes in! It felt like it had been at least 40 and I can usually gauge pretty accurately.

The rest of the sit was uneventful, but with good focus. I was going to sit for 1:30 but got a call at 1:05 and was more than happy to stop, as it felt like I had been sitting there for at least 2 hours.

Another hour. About the same. Part of the longing is a desire to be happy and not to suffer. When it came up, I was reminded of what started me on this in the first place.

Another hour. Nothing special. Just this, exactly as it is. Some wandering thoughts. Time seemed to pass normally. Nothing much to report.

An hour Friday, and hour today. Extremely good focus, very silent mind, little movement. A lot of different types of space, hard to explain. Staying with surrender, letting things be.