Meekan's meek journal

"What is tricky is getting caught in "Ok, I am accepting the fact that I am not accepting this" and here comes the "so I should be fine now! Why am I suffering?"
"

Cool, you're seeing that! Now just apply the same approach to the "secondary thoughts".

You can make a game out of it. Look for the icky sensations, look at how surrendering is experienced (which is probably almost becoming a habit for you, at least some of the time), and then look out for what your next feeling/thought will be. Who knows what will show up? It's a complete mystery -- which is what keeps it interesting. Even if it sucks, how does it suck? How do you know it sucks? Has the sucking changed in the few seconds that you have been following it? Is there some undercurrent of solidifying? Is there some undercurrent of releasing? Does the whole experience suck or is it localized in some way, etc.

If things get overwhelming, pretend that this is the first moment in all of time, what is experience like right now?

If you have put in a good session, get up and shake it off and do something fun to reward yourself. That's part of it, too. You can't build muscles by lifting weights all the time, you also have to rest.

Coffee is hitting by bloodstream-- sorry if this is too much,

Beta, I really love your advice! Greatly motivating!

It's interesting how now I notice that mind sort of sneaks in trying to flee the unpleasantness at a level that is further removed from the first and maybe even the second "act of surrendering"

Sneaky little bugger, and makes for some judging thought alright!
Thanks again!

45 minutes sit
in the beginning, very "there", slight pulsing
after a while felt like I was confined to a very little space inside my head, and I had a lot of pressure in my brow.
calm, joy
and then for the most of the time I had the calm, content, pleasant glasses on. Seeing anxiety, and stuff coming and going.
However, 5 minutes before quitting again, impatience, seeing (looked at timer), and judging thoughts (I should just let my impatience be and examine it, why am I acting on it). frustration, tension, and then some sensation of light and expansion
timer went off

"You can make a game out of it ... look out for what your next feeling/thought will be. Who knows what will show up? It's a complete mystery -- which is what keeps it interesting. "

Nice!

"judging thoughts (I should just let my impatience be and examine it, why am I acting on it)"

Yeah this can frustrate me as well. Some days I can detect most of my urges and let them past, other days I'm just acting first and noting while I'm already at it. (judging, grasping ... )

Yeah, Omni, Those automatic responses to urges sure are sneaky.

I honestly think this period in time is the toughest so far.
When sitting I seem to be pretty calm about most things, and those intense periods (reobservation?) seem to be gone. But there is this constant anxiety in my body now. It is as if "so, you surrendered to those intense ones, try this one out".
so now I am really working at surrendering and examining most of the time...
At times successful and at times not...
It's crap, but I guess I'm learning.

This undercurrent of anxiety in the body has had one good effect (I guess) - I have spent even more time noting and being attentive off cushion.
45 minutes
Tired, pain, itch, lotsof imaging thoughts (almost as dreams)
Hard to discern stages. Feeling like I am not there, but being aware that I actually note very much that is going on.
At approx 35 minutes though a wave of sleepyness washed over me, so I opened my eyes. Concentration returned.
Itching, pain.

Wish I could do more then say keep at it and try to stick it out, it won't last forever. The last couple days I've been able to relax a lot by realizing that I don't need to "do" anything in this. To be aware of all sensations I just need to be still and quiet. I've been chasing after sensations, but awareness is such that everything I can be aware of arises within my field of awareness, and if I'm still I'll know it. I hope this helps, it has since I had the realization.

Seems my post got lost, humm..?

Thanks, Rev! As always I am appreciative you're there with me

Yeah, I am trying (and have been for years now) to learn to do nothing. And I still get hooked by "I should be here, there, or somewhere".
But I believe I am giving up more on being somewhere else than I am continually...
The process is going on!
And the more constant awareness has to be good, I believe, but maybe that's why I at some times notice more stuff that I automatically react to (habit energy?).
Wishing you the end of suffering!

"Yeah, I am trying (and have been for years now) to learn to do nothing. And I still get hooked by "I should be here, there, or somewhere".
"

Concerning this: I'm finally reading "Getting Things Done". I think it's an essential book to get enlightened.

"Yeah, I am trying (and have been for years now) to learn to do nothing. And I still get hooked by "I should be here, there, or somewhere".
"

I'm finally reading "Getting Things Done". I think it's an essential book for people who want to get enlightened.

Sorry for the double posts, wetpaint seems to be lagging now and then.

"I'm finally reading "Getting Things Done". I think it's an essential book for people who want to get enlightened. "

I've read it, and am not applying it.
Not in THAT fashion at least.
Even though I like the "next doable thing"-thingie.

"I'm finally reading "Getting Things Done". I think it's an essential book for people who want to get enlightened. "

Sorry to intrude into your thread Meekan...
But I just have to recommend omnipleasant Mark Forster's task management system Superfocus as a complement to GTD. Gives a beautiful workflow.
/Pejn

"Sorry to intrude into your thread Meekan...
But I just have to recommend omnipleasant Mark Forster's task management system Superfocus as a complement to GTD. Gives a beautiful workflow.
/Pejn"

Don't see it as an intrusion.
Welcome to add to the thread whenever!!

And I'm gonna check Forster out

"I've read it, and am not applying it.
Not in THAT fashion at least.
Even though I like the "next doable thing"-thingie.

"

@Meekan
I guess it depends on how your daily life and job look like if GTD is helpful or not. I find it invaluable, although it's a bit overkill here and there.

@PEJN
Thanks, I'll look it up!

64 minutes
Initially some fast pulsibg in head, and I was there until it faded.
Then calm, sensations coming and going.
After a long while a monster itch. Followed that one.
Calm and expansion, contentment. Sensations, emotions coming in the body.
Labeling the "emotions" but my observing mind was completely detached for this period.
Analytical thoughts "this feels kind of mundane/boring compared to the emotional storms of a cpuple of weeks ago" worrying thought "am I scripting all of this?"
After a long period, some more intensity in perceiving the sensations.
At one moment I had a thought yhat led to "envy", but I was totally not hooked by it. Just curious. And then the thought "I got it, I wasn't hooked" followed by selfcoaching "don't get hooked by this 'victory'"
Basically calm, towards end a little more impatience and pain, but no problem just being with it.

64 minutes
Initially some fast pulsibg in head, and I was there until it faded.
Then calm, sensations coming and going.
After a long while a monster itch. Followed that one.
Calm and expansion, contentment. Sensations, emotions coming in the body.
Labeling the "emotions" but my observing mind was completely detached for this period.
Analytical thoughts "this feels kind of mundane/boring compared to the emotional storms of a cpuple of weeks ago" worrying thought "am I scripting all of this?"
After a long period, some more intensity in perceiving the sensations.
At one moment I had a thought yhat led to "envy", but I was totally not hooked by it. Just curious. And then the thought "I got it, I wasn't hooked" followed by selfcoaching "don't get hooked by this 'victory'"
Basically calm, towards end a little more impatience and pain, but no problem just being with it.

86 minutes
Wheread yesterday I was mainly studying myself as the canvas where all was taking place, today I felt closer to the sensations most of the time.
I notice lots going on (and I mean LOTS!), and don't really care that I don't note it all. The noting keeps me there though.
Mind really wandering away at three times, otherwise there.
Lots of curiosity about remaining time, but not that hard to just be with that.

Glad to hear that things seem to be lightening up for you! You've certainly earned some "good times" I don't think that's how it works, but enjoy it while you can. I've been reading some other peoples old posts for inspiration and I'm certain that your practice and posts will be helping others well into the future as well.

Thanks a lot, Rev!
I don't really know about this all. The sittings are one thing. The transfer to life is slow.
And I still don't know if it fits the descriptions...
I am just hoping that I am learning something

I hear that!! Some days I feel like I'm nearly enlightened and the next I think I'm just delusional and wasting my time. I've just about given up on the descriptions, which is very discouraging since they all(to paraprhase) "the natural stages all humans go through if they do the practice correctly". It seems like 1 out of 10 elements of the descriptions match my experience.
One thing I find helpful though is something Kenneth wrote somewhere. "Am I more enlighterned than I was a year ago?" For me the answer is a definite yes, so I continue. And hope I'm doing it right.

"I hear that!! Some days I feel like I'm nearly enlightened and the next I think I'm just delusional and wasting my time. I've just about given up on the descriptions, which is very discouraging since they all(to paraprhase) "the natural stages all humans go through if they do the practice correctly". It seems like 1 out of 10 elements of the descriptions match my experience.
One thing I find helpful though is something Kenneth wrote somewhere. "Am I more enlighterned than I was a year ago?" For me the answer is a definite yes, so I continue. And hope I'm doing it right."

1 out of 10? You're lucky!
Nah, jus' kiddin'
More enlightened?
That's a good Q. I think I'm noticing more and practicing more and that's interesting.
But am I more "enlightened"? I dunno really. Where and what has changed?
And still I do it

I hope you feel I am with you as much as I think you're with me on this path!
(But how will we ever know?