Meekan's meek journal

Hi!
I used to sit zazen-style many years ago, but not very formal. Just on my own at home.
Yup, feeling tone sometimes still becomes like a mantra for me, and is still the "weirdest". Nowadays if I catch myself saying "unpleasant" automatically I slow down to find the "meaning" behind the words again.
I just say 1 Hz to mean once every second

45 minutes
First tired, tension, pain
Then calm for a while
Then came a deep sadness, tension, imaging thought, pressure
Followed by calm, and joy, and then calm, monster itching
Then impatience,
Then calm
Then intense anger, tension, imaging thoughts
Then calm, expansion
Short joy, monster itching
Impatience, imaging thought, tension, urges
And revolving like this for lot of times.
Sadness or anger, with calmness and sometimes joy, and impatience and monster itches (intense), with accompanying images and selfcoaching thoughts, disappointment returning over and over again.

Meekan, what's your basic technique at this point?

"Meekan, what's your basic technique at this point?"

Yo!
I am almost exclusively doing mixed noting of the four foundations.
This has been the one I've used for many months now.
Very seldom I do a very short each foundation in succession thingy or some triplets.
But that is less than a percent of the time I guess.

42 minutes
jumped right into fear, tension, imaging thoughts
after a while lighter, expansion, joyous, seeing
then neutral, some anxiety, tension, fear
new light, calm, heavy itching came,
anger followed by sadness, fear
the remaining 30 minutes or so, going between calm, neutral and fear with tension, knot in stomach, pressure on chest
itchings came and went, last 15 minutes rare itches, but 5 minutes before end a real monster itch

so, if I were to speculate, I am not done with the dukha nanas yet. Some kind of dukhanimity?
The last two days of the cushion have been spent somewhere between indifference and an ambient anxiety.

Hey meekan. In my last meeting with Kenneth he advised me to use a recorder along with noting out loud. I transcribed the notes in my journal yesterday as well. I found it to make a huge difference in keeping me on track (just knowing the recorder was there). Have you ever thought of trying this?

Well, mu...
Tried it before, but since I note in a pretty low voice all I could hear was basically "tsh, tsh, tsh..."
So I guess I'll have to try without technical aids :-/
But I think the noting aloud keeps me on track fairly well...
glad to hear it works for you though!!

slept < 3hrs tonight
felt like a stranger in an anxious land today
short sit 20 min
tension, pressure, imaging thoughts
some anxiety, still investigating the way the "anxiety" moves, the tensions, the pressure, the cold hands, etc.
tired
gotta go

rootin' for ya

Hi!
Dunno if it sounded worse than it was.
Haven't experienced any of those deep lows ( when you spoke of reobservation) for some time now.
More as I said, moving between anxiety and indifference somewhere. Not contentment though.
And yesterday I just slept too little

27 minutes
Tired, pressure, imaging thought, frustration, judging thought, itching,pressure tired...
Funny, I think I am there with the noting much of the time, but yetit really feels like I've forgotten how to do it.
Onwards and upwards!

"yetit really feels like I've forgotten how to do it.
Onwards and upwards!
"

Exactly how I feel! Like you took the words right out of my mouth!

"Exactly how I feel! Like you took the words right out of my mouth!"

Race ya to rhe finish line!
Nah, just kidding.
Cool that we seem to be in the same whereabouts, even if there are some differences (I guess my experience has more of anxiety in it since I met that dark night dude?)!

1 hr
First 25 min noting steadily, but sort of feeling as if not being there.
Then I sneezed, and after that clarity, noting, thinking, pressure, self-coaching thoughts, calm, expansion
A short ep of sadness, followed by anger. Tension, vibration, pressure.analytical th. about "how do I bring this ability to sit with physical sensations/emotions to life off the cushion instead of spinning off?"
Then soon off to la la land. Noting but feeling like I'm missing it.
Judging thoughts, pain, itching, pressure, joy, humor, selfcoaching thoughts, disappointment.
Finished off with some more intense itching.

Right now it is an endurance race.

"Race ya to rhe finish line!
Nah, just kidding.
Cool that we seem to be in the same whereabouts, even if there are some differences (I guess my experience has more of anxiety in it since I met that dark night dude?)!
"

What I mean is that you seem to be in equanimity nowadaze? And I am not done with wherever I am yet

I'm not sure where I am anymore, things keep changing, and I often feel lost about where I am. Although the worst of the dhukka nanas seem to be over, thank god! I may be wrong, but this really doesn't feel like distinct phases a lot of the time. On the cushion it is, to a certain degree, but off the cushion it all seems pretty grey(no black and white). I'm trying to keep a long term view, from that perspective everything is going great!
Definitely feels like an endurance race to me too!

Hmm...
That does indeed sound similar.
I had the real crappy days some time ago. And then indifference, but now I walk around with this tension in the chest and knots in my stomach all day long for nearly a week or so. Without the deeper lows.
This definitely does not sound like equanimity, ya know what I mean...
I am just feeling that it sux, and I am stuck.
My practice is trying to surrender to it, befriend it, open up to it, invite it in... But obviously I am still not open to it, and resisting it...

I sure hope that your off the cushion experience soon gets more color to it

Hi Meekan and RevElev,

Equanimity isn't something you can get and keep. It's really just the constantly dynamic surrendering to this moment. As soon as you say to yourself, "I shouldn't feel so crummy because I have equanimity," you no longer have equanimity.

What we are really aiming for is just to be OK with this moment no matter how unpleasant or pleasant it is. In order to do that, all you can do is to keep paying attention. It eventually becomes apparent that not being present is even more unpleasant than being present with unpleasantness because it stacks aversion on top of ordinary pain. But there is this odd perversity within the system that makes it difficult to see how much extra pain we cause by our resistance. The remedy? Attention. You have to make the mind and body transparent in realtime so that you are no longer fooled. When the mind and body are transparent, anytime you pick up the hot coal of resistance, you will immediately drop it.

Play with this now by noticing that although there is a kind of baseline of unpleasant sensations in the body, you don't mind at all as long as you are surrendering to them. "Go ahead and hurt," you can say to the body, "I welcome you." This feels wonderful. But as soon as you buy into complaining thoughts, an extra layer of pain comes. "Oh, woe is me, I'm suffering so."

Even this is not a problem, of course. Just say, "Go ahead and complain, mind, I welcome you." And surrender. And feel the body. Notice how relieved and content you feel. The more often you can remember to surrender in this way, the better you will feel. When you can surrender all the time, you are said to be enlightened. But you don't have to worry about the future. Just surrender now.

Thanks a lot, Kenneth!
I guess that is exactly what I've been trying to do, thanks for reinfocing the importance of continually actually doing it and paying attention instead of just thinking about it (easy trap to fall into, imo)

Don't give up guys!

As stupid as it sounds, now you have the chance to take a really close look at this dynamic. You'll never have an easier time to look at it except when it is this "bad". Just really try to experience it, try to feel it completely, try to find the edges and center and weight and flow of it. And when you're done, quit completely and grab an ice cream cone. (I'm being somewhat serious, give yourself a break, too.) Then next sit, go for it again. This is the kind of stuff that really can fill in the gaps of your awareness... all by really feeling and experiencing it.

Good luck!!!

Hah, beta!
Thanks for a great reminder not to just totally frown up about it, and just let go at times.
I think it's easy to overstrain...

Kenneth,
Thanks for the advice, greatly appreciated! Surrendering/acceptance doesn't come easy for me, which I'm trying to accept. Looks like I've got my work cut out for me.
On that note, betawave, a break sounds good about now, thanks for the reminder to relax!

I think I can see what happens.
Nowadays, when I feel some pain, I am reacting to it with curiosity and (when I am not swept away with it) I investigate thoughts, bodily sensations, how I label this emotion, etc... And then if I am getting hard on myself for not accepting it, I notice that and what it consists of.
What is tricky is getting caught in "Ok, I am accepting the fact that I am not accepting this" and here comes the "so I should be fine now! Why am I suffering?"
Where I can see that the surrendering needs to be done to everything.
So it becomes like a technique.I pay attention, pay attention, and wham! I am not paying attention.
Thanks for the reminder once again, Kenneth.
(and I am doing this with nice emotions too, but there's not that much suffering involved

55 minutes
Lots of observed anxiety, tensions moving, judging thoughts, numbness and loss of power in hands, pressure in chest.
Moments of joy bubbling up here and there.
Towards the end some monster itches, judging thoughts (they SHOULDN'T be so solid!).
Always returning to the observation of what's going on.