Meekan's meek journal

Really sleepy and not motivated to sit.
35 minutes
Basically "tired" and "itching"
Very intense itching.
And I ended prematurely, not gonna move on this way, huh?
Maybe a little judging thoughts but mainly don't care.
I think I'll hit the sack early...

I have plenty of days where it feels like a waste of time, since I'm so tired. Sometimes I think it's best to just sleep.
About the previous post I don't know if I should feel sorry for you being at the same place as me. Or, feel sorry for me being at the same place as you! Onwards and upwards!!

Ah yes. I often have periods that I doubt I'm getting anywhere with all this sitting. But when I ask myself questions like "Am I more enlighterned than I was a year ago?" I'm glad that the answer is: yes without a doubt. However, how clearer things become the more obvious it gets there's more there than I ever imagined.

About sleepiness: have you tried practicing with your eyes open, standing up or doing kinhin (slow mindful walking like the zen-guys do)?

Hiya!
I am really doubtful of the answer to the question about being more enlightened.
How would I know?
What do I know today that I didn't then?

Yeah, I have stood up once. Haven't really made it a habit though

Well, I don't really 'know' what enlightenment is exactly, but what I do notice is that I'm living my life more consciously and with more trust than the time before I meditated.

I don't stand up to meditate all the time either, I just do that whenever I feel the sleepiness is really disturbing my practice.

I think I see it more as I am better at noticing stuff and connections.
Or just that surrendering to what is is occurring more often (here I am not sure I am doing it more often though).

So maybe I would say I am more skilled at being aware (maybe it's just semantics)?

I didn't mean like that regarding the standing:-) I meant I don't do it when being sleepy. I just go on, or as last time, I just quit

I AM truly glad that you (and others here) are getting more enlightened!
And I hope it gets steadily more so!! Keeping my fingers crossed!

Hi Meekan,

I was just catching up on your journal. Keep up the great work. It looks like you are progressing well (even though it may not feel like it at times).

Jarrod

Hi, Jarrod!
Thanks a lot!

I read that Tarin G wrote that you need faith that it is possible.
Hmmm... I dunno bou that one.

45 minutes
Expansion in the beginning, regular sensations, but light tone.
Suddenly anger/frustration "why can't it be over with already?"
"craving, wishing thought, frustration, craving, anger"
after that "happy" that I saw that, contentment.
"judging thought, self-coaching thought"
After this a pretty long period of very vivid imagery, sensations of movement
"imaging thought, motion, curiosity"
Then came a very intense itching and paired with that despairing thoughts "people go from pre-SE to 4th in a year, why can't I even get f-n equanimity!"
"anger, frustration, sadness, judging thought, tension"
Then calmer period, then smaller itches and sadness.
%#*$#\Â¥!! To summsrize it all...

Oh yeah stories like that tend to bring up some "competitive thought" now and then
Maybe try thinking less about possible results and cultivate curiosity for each and every sensation as it happens.

You've got this Meekan. Just try and maintain a technique focus rather than a state focus. Make sure you are doing the technique properly, making sure to spend time attending to all of the four foundations.

Rough spots are part and parcel of this process.

Thanks guys!
I am just thinking since others are reading my thread that it shouldn't be subject to publication bias.
If someone else reading this found that it wasn't smooth sailing for them, then hopefully I can tell them they're not alone.
So I hope it's a small contribution.

"Just try and maintain a technique focus rather than a state focus."

I love this advice. It's dead-on in my experience.

I never gave up on the technique.
I just take the liberty to describe what I'm noting and not just the labels.
A little content thrown in the mix

Thanks for all the support!

45 minutes
Pulsing at first
Then calm
Then nausea
Then itching.
Qualitywise like when I was a beginner at noting.
Not hard, just like old times.

"Just try and maintain a technique focus rather than a state focus.

I love this advice. It's dead-on in my experience."

+ 1

As far as faith goes, it's not Faith, but basically having confidence that there is something in your experience that really is there to pay attention to that you are overlooking. But how could you overlook it if you have been noting all this time? Faith is not just blah blah doing the technique but really refining the technique, becoming more sensitive in the application of the technique. What is really going on, what are you missing?

"+ 1

As far as faith goes, it's not Faith, but basically having confidence that there is something in your experience that really is there to pay attention to that you are overlooking. But how could you overlook it if you have been noting all this time? Faith is not just blah blah doing the technique but really refining the technique, becoming more sensitive in the application of the technique. What is really going on, what are you missing? "

Hey!
Yeah, I figure there is something still there to work with.
I was aware that I was noting more and more stuff,and now a plateau, or to be fair, regression.
But heck, I can't see it now, but maybe there is something new to this revisit to "old" territory.
Thank U, Beta!

Funny, since I've been reading about people describing these involuntary movements.
In the summer 2010, during a week-long retreat i had a lot of these body swayings.
I was spinning around like a record round round. (Must have looked funny)

But after that I've just had small ones, like my head making miniscule noddings.
I believe Mahasi S wrote something to the effect that the swaying of the upper body isn't important?

Hey meekan, you mentioned tarin greco, and I thought this quote from the "reformed slacker's guide" was pertinent:

"it's your destiny to miss over and over again until your mind finally lands its rhythm and figures out how to rhyme on time (and disappear on time with the rhyme). This is a trial and error process and a classic example of procedural learning. While you're not going to be able to force it to happen, you can pretty much take away all the other options. This is a gradual process, and every moment of contribution helps tremendously."

He was more talking about landing SE, but I think that's applicable to any next step along the path. Every bit helps. If you haven't read the guide, it's pretty inspiring and can be found here:

www.dharmaoverground.org/web/guest/dharm...eformedSlackersGuide

I agree about the faith (small "f") thing. I've always seen it as a a preliminary confidence that this can be done and this is worth it. Most importantly, a confidence in "me" -- that there has been enough suffering in my own experience and in the world and that if there's even a chance of getting it done, then it's infinitely worth the effort.

Best of luck and keep at it!

Hi Chris!
Thanks for the nice words!
Yeah, I believe I was referring to the slacker's guide.
I read it before last summer and thought, yeah, I'll nail SE this retreat.
But I didn't
Yeah. I'm keeping at it, and most of the time I just think that my practise is worth it if I learn more about my relationship to my thoughts and sensations.
More than the abstract "stages".
But greed comes in once on a while

(same chris, new name)

No problem! To me, and this could be wrong in respect to a classical dhammic characterization, but it seems that thought is just another sensation. What are you wanting to know about 'your' relationship with them?

'You' are a thought too albeit a deadly difficult one to see through. Have you ever noticed that thoughts just come in succession just like sensations, and then when you have a "me" thought (like a reactionary thought to something with a strong sense of self) that that, too, is also a just a thought/sensation. On some level, the sense of "me" is just a meta-thought or a sustained pattern of thoughts that are mistakenly read as "me".

(Hope that makes more sense than not. If not, my apologies and perhaps more advanced yogis can clarify...as I'm still caught up in my own thought of 'me', for sure .

Hi!
It sure does.
I think (!) that's what I mean.
I am sort of still caught up in the whatchamacallit "traditional" way of relating to "me" and also in the believing of thoughts and the thoughts interpretation of sensations. As in, oh, now I feel this type of sensation, I guess I am scared.
But I think I am seeing through that more and more.
Now I don't know if THIS makes sense
Thanks for great feedback!

1hr26 minutes
5 minute metta
4*5 minutes each foundation in order
(reflection - noticed and noted a little differently than used to last time I did this)
Rest of time mixed noting.
Pretty calm, different sensations.
Lots of thoughts, in white colour, expansion, calm.
Then suddenly after this calm, expansive whiteness, someone turned the knob from 5 to 15. Light level went up, and the wjite walls and colours came closer.
This Went on for a while.
My cramping muscle in the back acted up, and I stood up for the last 15 minutes with open eyes.
Now frustration

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