Meekan's meek journal

50 minutes
started with 2minutes each of the 4 f:s
initially some pulsing
mixed noting aloud rest of the time
(some kind of sequence noticed
quite normal, attention, curiosity, frustration, sadness
then sense of expansion and light, pleasant
after this for a while sudden misery swept over me, sadness, etc...
then after this a very long period when I sort of felt like I was riding some sort of a wave.
light coming and going, simultaneously with some sort of pressure coming and going, and moving closer and further away.
lots of curiosity noted, riding the wave sort of
during this the occasional sadness, planning thought, self-coaching thought, analytica thought, wishing thought
all in all during this mainly contentment and curiosity
then last period this wave vanished and I had more of the regular sensations noted
at times, analytical thoughts and craving thoughts

Hmmm.. now I took some more time to look at the DHO for texts about equanimity.
(Turns out I read some of the threads before, but they didn't make sense to me then)
(Actually, the advice for "navigating" equanimity still don't make sense...)
What I got with me is that it is normal to fall back to DN (so maybe that's what I'm doing, providing I've been in DN, I touch EQ, and fall back) and that people sometimes don't make it through for a loooong time.
Of course I will continue with my noting as usual...

Sort of have the realization though, that if I don't see that thing that's missing I may be here for eternity...
Between a rock and a calm place?

"Between a rock and a calm place?"

Love it! At least you still have some sense of humour about it. But I think at this stage it's laugh or cry.

Hey Rev.
Yeah, I am very doubtful in it all right now.
So my faith is with a very small f. I sure wish things move on quickly for you!!

15 minutes of concentration.
breath body at a point just below nostrils
didn't feel very "concentrated" but I was actually there for most of the time.
After a short while I had some monster itches in my face, and after a longer while, things just opened up and the lights went on. Much brighter.
Ran away in some analytic thoughts about it, but funnily didn't lose much of the "state", as I returned to the breath, it sort of just continued.
30 minutes of noting, first a short 4 FS in succession then rest of the time mixed
went right on in the pretty nice stage, light, bright, anxieties and stuff noted, but not very hooked by it
after a long while pretty intense sadness (It's been with me today), and then I had a feeling like someone just lifted it off me, and I was just calm and bright, but there came monster itches.
I was curious at how pleasant things were, but that I had upleasant very intense itches in my face
towards the end things went more mellow, but pretty calm
then gong went off, and I'm back in sadness

Meekan, it still sounds like you are making your way through the dark night (though you are glimpsing equanimity). You were feeling anxious the past few days off the cushion (correct?). Now you are feeling sadness?

"Meekan, it still sounds like you are making your way through the dark night (though you are glimpsing equanimity). You were feeling anxious the past few days off the cushion (correct?). Now you are feeling sadness?

"

Hi, if I remember correctly, somewhere around the 5-8th of february, my sits started to be filled with a lot more calm and indifferent observation of things. The period just before that was the very intense dark night period (if I guess correctly). And since then mainly my sittings have been a lot calmer in the sense that I see anxiety and sadness more from an observational standpoint. I see the tensions and feelings move around.
BUT! around the 5th-8th I switched to having this very annoying background anxiety in the body off the cushion.
And maybe yesterday, but mostly today it's been sadness.
And the sit, as I described wasn't that sad, but when I finished I stepped right back into it...
make sense?

15 minutes concentration on breath
Interesting how much better I am staying with the breath now even though I haven't practiced this explicitly.
Soon intense itches, then left.
Towards the end some internal expansion and light and pleasant turmoil.
30 minutes mixed noting
Pleasant and calm for a while. Light. Expansive. The usual high pitch sound.
Then this internal lava flood started moving in my head. Excitement, and fear of losing ground. Noted and stayed with it and a great calm came over me.
My noting aloud became almost silent at this stage. Lips moving but hardly any sound.
Stayed in this calm for a long time.
Then towards the end I got really intense itches on my hands.
Brought me slightly out of the calm, but noted it all.

So what the ... Is this all about..? Am I a&ping all over the place?
But it's interesting.

Very interesting. Keep it up!

As opposed to my calm longer weekend sits, this 30 minute short sit today was uphill.
I had managed to get so tired before.
And I was basically yawning for 30 minutes.
But noting.
g'nite

Hoping all is well. Your practice is good. Have faith that doing the practice as described will eventually yield the sought after results. Don't forget that these nana's and jhanas can really color your experience.

Hi, Mu!
Appreciate your shout-out!
I haven't been that reinforced in logging myself.
Sort of sittings are the same. Not much of a sequence, but calm and "nice" sittings. Concentrated with episodes of this whirring sensation of motion and colors in my head.
Anxiety and stuff still coming up lots during off-cushion since a couple of weeks ago.
Will continue sitting and read entries from y'all

Nice, keep going. It can be frustrating as hell, but it WILL eventually cook all the way through as long as you keep practicing

45 minutes
Again, after tired all day.
Low on concentration, lots of itches.
Just staying with it, resolving to be open and curious about it all.
Don't know if there were any phases at all.
I am off the maps freefloating

"Nice, keep going. It can be frustrating as hell, but it WILL eventually cook all the way through as long as you keep practicing "

Thanks, Chris!
'preciate it!

I wonder if it's possible to get path without believing in it?

I am dedicated even moreto opening up to experience and practicing.
So sat 45 minutes noting aloud, and spent quite some time with the tenderness of what was going on.
Interesting.
Tried some "wonder what my next thought" but somehow it got in the way of my noticing the thoughts so I abandoned it.

"I wonder if it's possible to get path without believing in it?"

I also often doubt whether I should know about the maps or not. Are they helpful or hindering? I'm going to dive in though and finally read up on them the next couple of weeks.

"Tried some "wonder what my next thought" but somehow it got in the way of my noticing the thoughts so I abandoned it."

Same here. Sometimes i find it helpful to cultivate this curiosity, sometimes not, sometimes it just pops up all by itself out of the blue.

It's a little like:I ask myself if I believe it, and only 'no' comes up.
But I believe in the practice and sit trying to open up more.
So maybe I am getting insights!

Regarding the 'next thought' thing, maybe I am not ready for it, or it simply isn't my technique.

Sorry to hear you're struggling, glad you're still at it!
I think the "isn't my technique" point you made is a good one. It doesn't seem to get much mention though, which is too bad. The longer I'm at this the more important I think it is.
Hang in there!!

Hi, Rev!
Thanks!
I haven't thought of it as struggling really. I think I sort of released the grip on trying to force myself somewhere abstract. At the same time there still is some hope there
So, keep on rockin' in the free world!

Pejn! (and Omni if you've got a hang of that?)
I tried looking at Forster's site regarding his system and found the rules for superfocus.
Is that the stuff to look at?
I found that some of the site is kind of unorganized with lots of acronyms SF3, AF, DWM, wagawaga-pacman (no, not that one .
So if any of you've got a suggestion of where to start, I'd appreciate it!

Cheers

Hi Meekan,
SF3 = Superfocus Version3 (No not that kind of focus, this is task management...)
This is the refinement of a lot of different versions with the same basic foundations Mark has released.
I used "AF4" up to a few weeks ago, but Superfocus has hit a sweet spot for most of the users it seems.

Regarding belief, well, before I believed in it but not for myself really...

/Pejn

so I may just read the superfocus stuff (it's not that long) and disregard all the discussions of DWM and such?
Thanks a lot, pejn!

Regarding belief, I just don't see it.
But I am sitting, noting aloud 4 fs every day.
Revisiting some Pema Chödrön has been nice.

Funny thing, I reread the idiots guide to dharma diagnostics for the nth time just today.
And if I disregard all the other stuff that is "supposed" to happen during equanimity, the description:
"Report: I went through the 3rd, 4th, and dukkha ñanas (as described above) and now I feel fine every time I sit.
Diagnosis: 11th ñana, Knowledge of Equanimity." seems to fit like a glove.
But I think I'm learning new stuff all the time now.

Hi Meekan, I don't have the experience to really say, but it seems
like your hard work is making things move along. This sounds great!
I think I can relate to what you said earlier about getting stuck
in dark night. Do you have a sense of how you got past that to
equanimity? I'm not sure if I can get path, either, but I don't
want to die wondering if I would have if only I'd tried.