Meekan's meek journal

Kacchapa, I don't know where I'm moving right now
I sort of just let go, but as I said earlier part of me still has hopes.
Semantics maybe...
I would take everything I say with a truckload of salt, since I am pretty unsure of equanimity and even A&P.
But kenneth told me long ago in this thread that things pointed to a&p and later dark night. And after the bad times during sits suddenly I have been ok with sitting.
But off cushion os another deal. Stress, anxiety, etc often hit, and at times things are cool.
So I don't really know if I am past dn (in my sits probably since a couple of weeks).

"Stress, anxiety, etc often hit, and at times things are cool.
So I don't really know if I am past dn (in my sits probably since a couple of weeks).
"

For me, after my first deep drink of equanimity in the summer, I rarely spent any time in it walking around. In fact, walking around I was most cognizant (painfully so) of being in the DN. You may not notice "where you are" day to day except when it's bad. Our brains are wired with a "negativity bias", so one is likely only to remember the worst and not take much note of the its absence.

Keep grinding away at that hill (until you see, feel, and thus "know" that that hill is "you")

[edit: to clarify...or further confuse, but hopefully not...from my current, limited understanding, what I meant by "you" is that that sense of "you" is just another sensation, nothing more or less. Something I'm still aiming to know fully.]

Thanks, Chris!
I am quite happy I am not bored with sitting, even though one supposedly "should" reach that stage.

"Thanks, Chris!
I am quite happy I am not bored with sitting, even though one supposedly "should" reach that stage."

Glad to hear!

Strange sit.
Tried 15 minutes kasina (red circle on the screen).
Got dry eyes, and couldn't really get into it. Remembered what it feels like when I get "absorbed" by the breath, but xould only feel like there was something weak starting which died out pretty fast.
30 minute noting.
Basically all the time there was a wave sensation going on.
A slow wave which went to and fro between sadness and calm.
At the same time light and dark were moving before my eyes.
Regular high pitch sound, warm expanding hands, and at some times like rippling sensation of weakness in hands.
Sadness, tension, unpleasant, itching unpleasant, moisture, selfcoaching thought "open up, lean into it", calm, expansion, seeing, hearing, neutral, pressure, neutral, seeing, pleasant, curiosity...
Etc...

The wave experience sounds cool, I've never experienced anything like that. Or, never noticed it. Starting to wonder if we'll ever get "their"(SE).

It was interesting, but maybe not revolutionary
about your wondering, I know what you mean!

" Starting to wonder if we'll ever get "their"(SE)."

Rev - you might already be at SE!

And Meeken, you are getting close - hang in there and don't take the pot off of the burner - it is boiling and things will pop soon enough!

Thanks Ron!
I am hanging in there.

Headache
15 min conc on breath
Staying with breath fairly ok, not feeling like I latched on to it though
50 mins noting
quite chaotic at start
After a while light, seeing, pleasant
Then sadness and itch
Then after some while the light intensified in maybe 3 or 4 steps
Focus narrowed inside of head
Pretty pleasant
Stayed there for a long time. Noting slowed down, and I wandered a little in my mind
Then itching, and towards end pain, itching and nausea.

Nice! That's the way it's done.

Thanks, Beta!
To be honest I don't really know what was done (or what I did)

45 minutes
first 2*4 each of the foundations in succession
chaotic at first, then calming down, then real light and pleasant, expansion, then closed up focus, light moving very close like lava streams over my eyes
then a period of darkness and feelings of loneliness
then expansion and light again and closer focus

tried out the "wonder what my next thought might be", and as soon as I try it (as before), I get the impression that I am staring into a black globe, and the thoughts are evading me.
they are behaving like very ephemeral sub thoughts. I cach some of them, mostly imaging and some spoken.

gave up on that after a while and went back to noting
got a pulsing vibration in my fingers on my right hand that was fairly fast, maybe 6-8 Hz.
followed it with good concentration for a short while, then timer went off

40 minutes mixed noting
first quite nice and focused, mind settling in
then energy escalating, lots of intense joy, funny images, focus sometimes wide, sometimes very narrow
this lasted for a long while
then calmed down, the light faded, and a little darker, and a little shivers, but still smile on my face
then lighter again, calm, anxiety and joy and other sensations felt in the body and distanced from observer
towards the end intense itch and a little nausea, but quite nice anyway

I have had during the last weeks sits times when tension and excitement and activity in mind/head has escalated to a point where it kind of felt like it was about to "pop".
And my reaction has been, release, let go, let it pop, come what may.
but nothing happens
Also during my last weeks, the itching very often doesn't come until the very last 5-15 minutes.

Also, my sits have been quite intriguing and interesting, still doesn't look like any equanimity I've heard about.
Am I doing some other kind of practice than y'all or what?

I get that energy build up then...nothing too. No idea what's going on. I tell myself it's a good sign though. I'd help if I could. Onwards and onwards, I guess.

Nothing noteworthy...
Ok, I'll probably go on with the lousy puns and witticisms till I get to 4th or something.
Incentive for ye to gimme the secrets to fast enlightenment?
(Or maybe one gets to stand above lame puns past SE

40 minutes noting
another day, another sit, it isn't boring
I had intense heart beat during all of the sit. Maybe due to having a fairly strong coffee pretty shortly before?
But quite focused, suddenly during the sit, intense aversion to sitting. Noted it, leaned into it, was interesting.
Then, again, intense fear, was caught off guard, checked the timer 20 minutes left.
Then a VERY intense monster ith on my nose, leaned into it, noted tensions, attempts to tense up or otherwise flee it. It persisted for a looong time. 7 minutes left I looked at the watch and scratched my nose.
Then just aversion. For maybe last 3 or 4 minutes switched to concentration on the breath.

Meekan,

It sounds like you may be getting into the dukkha nanas in each sit now.

The intense fear seems like a good indicator of that territory.

The light/shivers/etc. from the post before sounds like A&P/dissolution type stuff.

You're gonna want to really sit through that period of negativity and try and break through to equanimity on the other side.

Interesting.
It's nothing compared to the fear, misery and disgust I experienced a couple of months (or so) ago.
But yeah, I seem to be in some weird A&P-based loop now. Maybe I'll just chill here.
It's not a very unpleasant place this time around.

And there is a lot more of observing the fear than being the fear nowadays.
So I'm doing things differently at the moment.
And apart from the odd sit, my feelings still range from calm to joy most of the time during my sits.

35 minutes mx note
after a while of settling down, intense pulsing twitching in the face just between the eyebrows
light, expansion, nice
darkness, constriction
then sense of release, light (less so than first) and calm, some wandering, switched to quiet noting of breath at times.
itching came during this
bell rang

Sounds like you're doing it right to me. But who am I to say?

Thanks, Omni!
I just feel like I am going to have a hard time fitting my experiences in with the maps in retrospect
Maybe I'll skip the confirmatory analysis!

Thanks to all you guys helping me out with your comments!

1 hr 40 minutes
30 minutes concentration on breath.
Latched onto breath at times with pleasant waves moving through my body, and light intensifying. Only lasting short bursts of time though.
Streched shortly
4*8 each foundation noted aloud
56 minutes mixed noting
Started out in a light place.
Intensifying quite much after time, very pleasant (similar to yresterday)
Ever intensifying.
Then darkened a little. Shivers, cold winds on skin (as usual per last weeks)
Then expansion, light, but quite neutral, which turned into a semi dull neutral greyish day experience.
Joy popping up as well as anxiety with accompanying tensions, waves, images.
After a while of this neutral state curiosity won and checked watch.
20 minutes left.
Returned into a joyous very light experience where I was experiencing intense pain in my back simultaneously with the joy.
5 minutes concentration on breath.
Calm

30 minutes
Some visual pulsing in beginning
Pretty light
Then some light
An episode of darkness and hostile thought
Calm
Tactile pulsing

Short 25 min sit
Just noting thoughts
Thoughts sneaking by, easiest note imaging thoughts, but also describing, instructing, self coaching, judging, analytical.
First some slight pulsing, a little lighter, then a little darker
Intensely tired, opened eyes
Challenging but noted thoughts with open eyes.
The always present Pressure between eyes there.