Meekan's meek journal

45 minutes, began with following breath 4 min
No pulsibg this time
Regular order, up to the final bit, where it just felt ordinary.
Little pains and so but rather "uneventful" or "ordinary".
Mostly just observing, sometimes caught up by restlessness...
Just aiming to be open.

25 minute
Intensely restless
Fine line between studying the tensions, thoughts and other sensations moving around in body and giving in to urge to get up.


Intuhrestin'

47 minutes mixed noting aloud
27 minutes first
Quite calm, focused
Then was interrupted by persistent phone calls
Returned for 20 minutes
Started out focused.
Close focus, regular pressure in forehead top of head
After a while mind just started hurling about resentment, anger and analyzing that not everyone can reach SE. Frustration.
At one level watching this fight, at the other one being drawn into it.
Tension, anger, frustration.
Saved by the gong

My sympathies! Sounds very familiar

Thanks!

Revisiting misery:
For the last 4-5 days I've entered a new pattern.
After the same ole, same ole for a while I enter a longer period of intense misery.

It's like all the suffering and pain come together and I get this clear information of:"this is ACTUALLY how much suffering you actually have in your life".

And I see that in life off the cushion I don't always notice it.

And after spending time opening up and surrendering (or just being with it) to it, it lifts and I am in a pretty mundane sit again.
Any comments would be greatly appreciated!
Thanks, and metta.

Hi Meekan,

The progress is not really happening when we are feeling good and everything is going nicely. It is when all this unpleasant stuff starts to bubble up our practise is really going forward. All those moments of suffering are happening so that we could let go of them and move forward. That is their purpose. One could even say that we should specifically look for those moments and embrace them, because there are few things as important as this on this path, IMHO.

From what you wrote, it seems to me that you are not getting more that you can handle and you are doing it exactly right: opening up and surrendering to it. With that kind of tactic it is not possible to fail. Note as much as you can and as continuously as you can. Note triplets if possible on and off the cushion and it will speed up the cleaning process.

When those unpleasant sensations come again, Challenge them. Is that all you can throw at me? You call that unpleasant? Come whatever may, I accept it.

Feeling of low self-esteem, I accept it.
Feelings of guilt and remorse, I accept them.
Aversion, resentment, irritation, greed, judgement, pride, anxiety, anger, I accept them all.

If you try this out, I would be interested to hear what happened.

Metta,
Antero.

Kiiti paljon, Antero!
I definitely will try it out.
I sort of just supposed that since I can't clearly see progressions the way they "should" be (like following the map) but I have this main theme right now. I revisit this area, but perhaps more vividly this time, because I have a spot here that I haven't really accepted/embraced fully.
I am quite fascinated how clearly I see it though! I suppose that is a good thing, since it is not really a blind spot right now...

I will take your suggestions to heart and report what happens

Thank you for being a compassionate friend and coach!

/M

You are welcome and thank you! Don't tell me you have some Finnish ancestors in your family.

At times the path goes in spirals and we revisit the terrain that was not yet fully understood. Since you already have so much knowledge about this area, you can try opening up to it fully. Ok, I accept the feelings of anger and resentment. I surrender to them. Is that all? I want my money's worth!

It can sometimes get pretty intense when you really open up to the emotions and embrace them, but the release of tension can be pretty awesome as well.

Antero.

"You are welcome and thank you! Don't tell me you have some Finnish ancestors in your family.
"

Nope, just know a couple of phrases
I'll investigate this and see if I can get more bang for the buck!!

48 minutes
Going in with intention of not just opening up (as previously), but even challenging sensations.
Ended up being a sit similar to earlier itchy sits.
Began with pulsing, intention
After a while lighter
Then darker.
Monster itching came,
Stayed, went away and came back in same or different location.
Have had these sits before, but this time I willed it to come on and bring it.
I am sitting anyway!
Don't know if it made any difference as compared to sits where I just opened up to the itching.
Anyways, itching coming and going for at least 40 minutes

45 minutes
Pulsing
Calmed down
Itch and pain.
Welcomed them in
Went away
Brightness
After a while neutral, sleepy, mind wandering.
Lots of itch and pain in a muscle that's been aching for a couple of weeks
Just welcoming, wandering mind
Again itching for most of sit.

Whaddup widdat?

This is worth the paper it's written on, but one thing I found interesting with itch is that it has both pain and pleasure to it. Pain-release, pain-release, etc. Sometimes the waves of pain hit you and you're squirming, sometimes the release can be the dominant set of waves and it is almost a purification. Or you can see the space between either and there is the "background" that pops through or in-between the itches, almost like syncopation. Seems stupid to say, but what really is the actual feeling of itching? When there is a full-minded investigation, these suffering-ish type sensations can really be concentration-inducing realms.

(This experience is probably associated with a particular nana, so couldn't be forced, but it is interesting when it comes up.)

Hi, beta!
Interesting! Thanks for your input on investigating the itch!
Really appreciate all your valuable feedback!

Since somewhat gave up on this "stream entry thing" (of course a part of me, yes, ME still hopes for it I have had my practice become interesting again.
Basically it's the same old noting aloud that always with the investigation of sensations and emotions and thoughts, but it seems like Ive revved it up a notch after some timely help from antero, beta and mumu (in another thread).
I wander even less from the sensations now that I basically just say, ok, if this pain, anxiety, urge, pleasure, whatever have you, kills me, so be it.
Cool stuff.
I don't indulge in verbal behavior about challenging them, I state it maybe once, intend it, and whoa...
Don't know if it is good practice, but it sure is more intense!

Forgot to say that the difference between "I can do it cause anxiety can't REALLY kill me" and really trying to accept that "if it does, so be it", is interesting.
I guess it's just about surrendering to fear, nicht war?

Glad to hear things have gotten a bit of a shake up for you. I sometimes think the difference between complete enlightenment and complete ignorance is paper thin. A small change can make a big difference, I hope this does it for you, you definitely deserve it!!

Thanks, Rev!
Your support means a lot to me!

"I guess it's just about surrendering to fear, nicht war?
-meekan"

Yes!

Thanks, Antero!
It's funny how the practice is always the same (I seldom mix in anything
but the noting) but evolves constantly

45 minutes
Going in with a defiant attitude
First 4fs 2 minutes each
Pulsing initially at eyes
Calmed down
Quite open expanse
Then focus narrowed immensely, I was in on all the sensations, all feelings.
Anxiety, tensions, fear, joy...
This lasted some time.
Restlessness - into it, tension, come on.
Itching - examine with microscope, let it itch my head off
Then suddenly I let my guard down, looked at timer - 15 minutes left
Itching came back like crazy, pain in a muscle I hurt exercising.
Go into it, and I swear, subjective time was soooo slow.
I looked at timer with a 2 minute interval and could have sworn it was 15 minutes plus at least.
Judging thoughts that I was swept away.
But in defiant mode I just thought let it sweep meaway, ruin my entire practice, come on.
Had a carousel in my head last moments before gong rang.

45 minutes
Tired going in, fatigue, curiosity, tension
Calm
And after some time, fear and anxiety,
Then some waves of light
Then an internal washmachine (inner turmoil, like laundry of different colors spinning around)
All the time with an attitude of "bring it"
This came and went with itches coming and going. Like 4-5 segments of these moving chaotic sensations sandwitched with itching.
During this washmachine sensation it almost seemed as the "I" was gone or drowned by the chaos..?

Maybe 3Cs is where my "cutting edge" has been all this while?
cheers, folks.

Wow, sounds like turning poison into food. That's very cool.

"Maybe 3Cs is where my "cutting edge" has been all this while?
"

Maybe the 3Cs are always the cutting edge, we just have to jettison enough of it at each path to peek into the distance.

Godspeed, best wishes Meekan!

Thanks guys!

one day maybe I'll construct a map that is not a 2dimensional representation in a euclidean space, for those of us who deviate too much
1hr22 minutes
pretty calm, itching and pains
After a while settled down
Then came a period of anxiety/fear
Calm
Then some misery, tears in eyes, pressures, etc
Opened up and leaned into it
Then came a segment that lasted the majority of the sit.
Light, pretty neutral, lots of thoughts, wandering away lots, but still present.
Typical thought dialogue "dang! I can't catch the thoughts!"
"open up to the fact that you can't catch the thoughts"
This whole segment very undramatic and neutral, at times I yearned for some tough emotions to dive into fully, for the juicyness, but no,
Just maybe 10 minutes before the end, I was startled by some external light and had some fear to jump into.