Meekan's meek journal

1hr55 minutes
Silent for 46 minutes, then aloud.
During silent -settled down. Didn't pass any unpleasantness except for a very shallow anger for a second or two close to the beginning.
Almost all of the sit was sort of a neutral uneventful sit.
During loud noting, first I was a little agitated.
Then I was through a long period of expanse and pleasant calm light.
Towards the end fell into some frustration and anger.
Challenged it to become more pronounced. Wandered in mind that I wanted to increase this observation off the cushion.
Observation that most sits last months have been fairly neutral, and maybe even bland.

I tend to never report about pressure on top of head and between the eyes, something I experience almost every time since the beginning a year ago.
Hmmm... Is this significant?

It's a sign of concentration. Meekan what happens if you aquaint yourself with the moving graininess (imperfection) in the visual field (like in a photo - photograin). Next try and feel a similar graininess in your lips, tongue, teeth area. See if you can get a feel for a similar sort of graininess there. It might also be clear in your hands Try and tune into more and more subtle things like this - vibrations, tingling, pulsing etc.

Thanks for the advice, Mu!
I don't know if it's a semantical thing for me, cause I have a really hard time experience graininess or pixelation or whatever analogy one uses.
In physical sensations I feel that they seem static, but wriggle aroubd or vary in intensity. Most often there is an underlying solidity to it though. I don't perceive it as binary pulsation, like on/off.
Any advice on this is greatly appreciated.

Can you see it in vision - like if you look at a wall in dim light?

I am not sure what to look for.
I mean i know that the eyes move ever so slightly to avoid habituating when you stare at something.
I also know that the mind does all kinds of tricks to for instance see continuous lines where there actually are small gaps, etc...
Earlier today before I read your post I fixated a point on a wall in full daylight and there seemed to be slight fluctuations in light intensity, so tried staying with those for a while.
Maybe because of eye strain or whatever? Anyways, didn't lead too much right tjhen and there.

Thanks for helping me investigate this, Mu!

Its the visual field itself and what you are looking for occurs in that space. It isn't a fluctuation of light, it is a graininess. It is especially clear when I am not wearing glasses. The wall provides a uniform background against which you can see the constant change and particle like nature of the visual field. Think of a tv set that is showing noise/snow and see if you can pick up on that quality in your visual field as a whole.

Ok!
Don't think I've seen anything like this. I don't know if I can experience the resolution of the images I see..?

Will investigate it.
Thanks!

Ok, Mu!
Followed your advice on looking in dim light, and it is very clear.

Am not really sure how to use this though?
Is it a metaphor for something I should be able to see in full daylight? Is there a matrix of sensory information from other sensations that is grainy like this?
Btw, what is the equivalent to dim light when it comes to itches, pressure, etc?

I am sorry if these questions are naive, but I think I really need some assistance in understanding this.
Appreciate your patience and help!

45 minutes noting aloud in the name of investigating graininess
Hung onto an itch like a mad starved dog and tried to investigating the heck out of it.
It seems similar to what I reported over half a year ago (?)
This particular itch felt like a line nearly an inch long close to my left knee.
It felt like there was a solid itch on whose surface sone dancing was going on. A little movement, occasional pulsing in intensity, ut not very frequent, and the itch underneath was solid,
Until it finally faded and went away of course.
This btw is a good exercise since I am very surrender-focused... Some potential frustration about not getting what I am looking for was observed.
The closest to the grainy feeling I notice is still when my hnds fall asleep or I lean into a nerve that gives these sensations. But that isn't really seing the tru nature of the "solid" sensations?

Maybe I don't have the ability to pick up on this particular quality?

45 minutes silent noting
Some pulsing initially, soon expanse, pleasant
Then neutral, open sit for the remainder of the time.
Usual bodily sensations.
Anxiety arising in body, mind calm.
Towards the end perhaps a little swept away by emotion one or two times.noing, coming back

When do your hands fall asleep? Also, tune into the "flow" in the visual field for awhile and see if a similar but more subtle sort of continuously changing flow is available in your feeling space somewhere in your body.

Hi meekan, this talk of looking in dim light reminds me of reading the Celestine Phrophecy (must be over 10 years ago now). There was this thing about being able to see energy flowing between plants and people etc. The practice was to wait till dusk and hold two fingers close and look at the gap. The amazing thing is that I think I might have seen this graininess, although at the time I thought it was blood vessels in my eye.

Probably not much help, but thought I would share = )

My hands fall asleep due to the way I rest my arms while sitting.
Sometimes the nerve in my elbow (the funny bone) gets pinched and that feeling like electric currents run through my fingers.

Do you mean like in sitting in dim light, noticing the graininess (which was very clear when I did it) and then transferring the motion of the grains into perceived motion elsewhere in body?

"Hi meekan, this talk of looking in dim light reminds me of reading the Celestine Phrophecy (must be over 10 years ago now). There was this thing about being able to see energy flowing between plants and people etc. The practice was to wait till dusk and hold two fingers close and look at the gap. The amazing thing is that I think I might have seen this graininess, although at the time I thought it was blood vessels in my eye.

Probably not much help, but thought I would share = )"

Interesting, it sure sounds like some kind of visual effect.
Must try it out
Thanks, Ed!

"My hands fall asleep due to the way I rest my arms while sitting.
Sometimes the nerve in my elbow (the funny bone) gets pinched and that feeling like electric currents run through my fingers.

Do you mean like in sitting in dim light, noticing the graininess (which was very clear when I did it) and then transferring the motion of the grains into perceived motion elsewhere in body?

"

Essentially. Look for a similar vibratory quality in the body.

Cool!
Thanks for the coaching!
Hope someone else benefits as well!

1 hr with a continued focus on opening up, surrendering and additional focus on examining graininess of sensations (per mumuwus tips!).
I mixed silent and loud noting.
And this sit was dominated by aversion to sitting.
No drama, but irritation to sitting.
And lots of itches coming up the entire sit. And of the tough kind.
Almost throwing me into panicky flight response, but I observed the panicky tensions and urges moving throughout, and then the nex one, and the next one...
This went on for 60 minutes, damn those itches
regarding the graininess, I think I found it pretty clearly in some pressures, like in calves and such. (moving in the same speedy chaotic way as the visual graininess)
When it came to itches it was just as I described it, the wriggling on the surface was grainy, but sometimes there seemed to be a solid foundation of itch underneath it.
So, it was kind of a tough sit, but since I didn't act on it it wasn't tough.
Make sense?

I am totally in awe of the fact that you held on for 60 minutes. Wow.

Excellent Meekan. It definitely sounds like you are in 3 characteristics. Investigating sensations such as the itches and breaking up their solidity is good practice at this stage.

Setting a timer and sticking through it without moving is really the way to go.

Once the graininess is apparent, perhaps you can have a look out for pulsing of any kind (even very fast).

Interesting practice! Thanks for the suggestions!

I really don't get that map stuff though. One week I seem to be in eq, another in dn and then 3cs.
It really doesn't matter to me since the practice is the same. But as I said before, the sequence don't seem to be valid in my case

"I am totally in awe of the fact that you held on for 60 minutes. Wow. "

Can't explain it.
But once I went through my worst practice-related period (dn I guess) some months ago, and got a whiff of equanimity (I guess) things sure can bug me and I still get carried away, but I return to a calm observation of the chaos more easily.
I knew this was what I wanted to do years ago in practice, but it seems I'm getting the hang of letting go of the struggle more the last months.
But as I say, not all the time

All we can do is pay attention, right?

Also:
Even though I've known about experiential exposure for a long time.
I believe Antero's suggestion to challenge the experiences have been helpful in that regard. I really try to lean into the aversive feelings. Therefore the anxietys and itches are as bad, but I let them be bad
So... I used to fret about the maps and thinking that trying to fit the maps on my experiences in retrospect wasn't a very scientific way of confirming them. Then I didn't believe I was progressing, but I probably AM learning something. Or not.
(Like people who take a class, and afterwards judge that they are soooo much better at taking the exams or what have you, but in reality they are stuck at the same score as before)

Uh, now I'm just rambling on...
I guess I am just writing this if someone who reads this is in a similar place. I know sometimes it helps not to feel alone

Your persistence and willingness to try different approaches is an inspiration! It helps me, and I'm sure it helps Many others. Thank You!!

Thank YOU for encouraging ME.
I'm glad I can reciprocate some